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This is a discussion on The Weight within the Suicide forums, part of the Suicide Forums category; Sorry to keep posting. Things feel just worse. I wanted my mother out of my life. I feel that every ...

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Old 05-30-16, 02:20 PM   #31
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Sorry to keep posting. Things feel just worse. I wanted my mother out of my life. I feel that every time I talk with her that I am in the Twilight Zone. She makes no sense at all. Today was no different. I had sent her an email prior to me cutting ties with her telling her how things were doing per her request as to how I have been doing. I talked with her over the phone thereafter last week about the email. Fast forward a week and I receive an email today saying she never read that email. This makes me so very angry. How dare she sit there and say she never read it and make further excuses. I am already having a crappy day just like all the other crappy nonfunctioning days, this just made it worse.

I have no family...nothing....I just want to die. My problems are so complex there is no getting out of this. I see no options. All the options for myself I have tried. There is no hope....too many things are at play...too many things are wrong. I wish I could just do it already.

Last edited by angie; 05-30-16 at 02:23 PM.
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Old 06-02-16, 03:30 AM   #32
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Doctors make mistakes, sometimes even resulting in death. Family members make mistakes, sometimes resulting in troubled relationships. Your mother might say or do things that can come across insensitive or uncaring. But I have no doubt she is well-meaning. It is hard for others to understand what people like you and me are going through. I am sure she is hurting too because of what you are dealing with. And I am sure she would want for you to do well in life and be happy. So don't too be hard on your mother because nobody is perfect, we all make mistakes.
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Old 06-02-16, 04:27 PM   #33
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I agree with FromTheHeart, mothers love their children but they are human, and humans are far from perfect. They mean well, or they think they do, but some things they say and do can be very hurtful. I too had trouble with my mother and cut her out of my life for some years, but eventually she found her way back in and i'm eternally grateful for that. I love her more than anything even though she still does the same mistakes sometimes, but I've learned to accept her shortcomings and know that she doesn't do them on purpose to hurt me.

Angie the fact that you are here commenting on this forum says that you are fighting your suicidal thoughts, so my advice is to keep fighting, fight for life.

Meditation helps a lot, so does walking in nature.
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Old 06-03-16, 10:22 AM   #34
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Thank you for posting and the words. My main point is that the VA's incompetency has cost me a lot and it is not fair. I have fought so long for my care and my mental health, when is someone going to do the right things. When is someone going to fight for me?

It just hurts when you feel your mother did nothing to help my medical problems especially being in the medical field. She knows how much i suffer and am suicidal all the time, but she did nothing. That is why I do not talk to her. I am quite resentful and every time we would talk I would just be angry and fight. I feel what the VA did and what my mother does is far is making a mistake. This crap has been going on for months and years.

I am extremely depressed. I am sick of fighting the suicidal thoughts. I am so nonfunctional right now and no one knows how to help. I get pushed to the side.
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Old 06-04-16, 11:09 PM   #35
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If any of you are the praying kind, please pray that something comes back wrong with me this Thursday. I have a test at noon, a special type of MRI. I do not know what I am going to do if this test comes back with no answers. I am trying to be hopeful but with the years of everything coming back normal, I do not think I will be able to take it. I will have a breakdown if that happens. I am trying really hard not to think about that right now but it is really difficult.

Anyway, I am praying for a miracle. Thanks.

Mentally hanging on by a thread still though.
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Old 06-04-16, 11:38 PM   #36
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i will pray for that miracle my friend.
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Old 06-05-16, 12:13 AM   #37
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Thank you so much dax!!! That means a lot!
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Old 06-05-16, 09:27 AM   #38
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Okay I think I understand more of what you're going through now. I am sorry that you have such a hard time.

All I can say is that life throws obstacles at us constantly, for some much more than others, as in your case. And your case really sounds pretty hard, I really hope you overcome the challenges somehow.
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Old 06-05-16, 02:29 PM   #39
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I hope that the test on Thursday will give you something to work with. Surely you can achieve a better state of mind if it becomes clear which course of action to take.
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Old 06-06-16, 10:44 AM   #40
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I know that life throws stress at us however for the past several years (try over 10 years) it has been constant. There is only so much I can take. For example, my Night Eating Parasomnia where I sleep walk and eat was so bad for a very long time. I was suicidal over that. Then moved to another state, was rear ended....neck strain four months later....rearended AGAIN two months later and have had chronic pain ever since in my neck and upper back. Nothing has worked to get that away and insurance companies have been such the fight in proving there is a problem. THEN I was hospitalized 3 times for pancreatitis in one year. No one knows why I got it. There is just constant problems. Many people tell me "well that is life." I find that minimizing for my experience because when I tell people my life they say never mind to the comment they made earlier. By the way, the ER turned me away when I had pancreatitis citing it as constipation so I had to endure it all day and come back with over 1,000 levels of each enzyme. Those enzymes are suppose to be around 40 to 50. I guess what I am trying to say is I am not one to complain about life stress and the usual stress that comes with it. I am a Veteran who excelled while in Basic Training. I know obstacles with a small "o." I just feel I am at the end of my rope with something constantly coming up and doctors have no idea why. I am well aware that stress is what life brings. Well aware. However I find it quite interesting when I have told people my story of constant stuff popping up all the time, they change their tune. It is not like I am complaining about "oh I stubbed my toe" so my life is over. These are not just obstacles. These are big "O" Obstacles. My medical problems have taken everything away from me. My last coping skill is now gone because I cannot work out. I was heavy into bodybuilding. Now I have nothing. I digress. This is not an angry post it is just I get so sick and tired of people saying "well that is life." No this is not life. I no noone in the world with my track record of problems and constant medical problems that pop up. At this point in my life with the sum total of everything I deal with, I recently saw a post from someone who experienced heavy swelling in their body after a long drive. They complained about how that SUCKED and their day sucks now and how oh so horrible that was. Well that is me every single stupid day. Then come back and tell me to just deal with the obstacles life throws out. I used to be a fighter. I used to have that spirit of perseverance but no longer really. Take this for example, I went to the Mayo Clinic for my RARE parasomnia. Not two days after I was devastated that I was told there was nothing that could be done....my legs start swelling for no reason after a high repetition workout that actually made me feel good. I have been swelling ever since. I am just done. I seriously do not know what the hell I am going to do if this test comes back "normal." What I have described in this post is only a small snippet of the medical and mental problems I deal with on the daily.

FromTheHeart: Thank you! Me too! However I am deathly afraid that that everything will come back "normal." And then what.....

As far as my mother is concerned I know that she loves me but quite frankly I do more for my clients than she has collectively in years. She is a runner from all things problems. Sometimes loving someone is not enough in my book. If I had a daughter who described the pain and suffering from all the medical and mental anguish and the fight with this fucked up VA Health Care system, I would go to the ends of the Earth to help. She will not and refuses to do so. I do not need that in my life. If I ever get better how attractive is that to a future husband oh by the way I am estranged from my family and have no contact with them. In essence of ANY of my medical problems get resolved, I have another world of problems left. I talk to much older people on a daily basis who endure what I do...I oftentimes think...this is what I have to look forward to....more misery because stuff hasn't been changing for the past 15 years in my life.

My roommate is suddenly on this medication and "Poof" all is freaking better with her life. It is almost like her depression never happened. It is almost like her suicide attempt never happened. It is not fair. I was really a bad woman in a past life. There are many people in the world who have this one thing wrong with them medically and it is really hard to deal with. Talk about having that and five plus other things. The cards are stacked and at one point I am just going to be done.

Sorry for the long post. :(
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