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This is a discussion on The Weight within the Suicide forums, part of the Suicide Forums category; What you have to deal with is absolutely horrible, Angie. Hopefully things will start to look up for you very ...

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Old 05-19-16, 06:10 PM   #11
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What you have to deal with is absolutely horrible, Angie. Hopefully things will start to look up for you very soon.

I was wondering if you have reached out on the internet about your medical issues. Doctors sometimes don't have answers. But perhaps there is a support group or forum dealing with your specific issues. You will be able to at least share your story with other people who are going through the same thing. Or maybe even find a cure.
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Last edited by FromTheHeart; 05-19-16 at 06:12 PM.
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Old 05-20-16, 02:34 PM   #12
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Hey FromTheHeart:

Thank you for responding!

I have exhausted myself looking online. There are no support groups. I do not even have a diagnosis. I do not want to live my life in support groups ya know? It doesn't change my circumstances. This is the only forum I do. Yes it helps but nothing changes. It is all the same.

There is nothing to grab on to for hope anymore. Hope would mean there is not medical problems and I know that is not happening.
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Old 05-20-16, 03:16 PM   #13
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Angie, try to see if you can go in for hospitalization. Even if its for a few days so someone can watch you. Your condition is terrible and I'm surprised you have been able to be on your own without assistance. You deserve some peace of mind. Shouldn't the doctor be recommending you not to be alone? This is all too much for one person to take on alone, there has to be some form of assistance available for you.
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Old 05-20-16, 04:36 PM   #14
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I know dax. But hospitalization in my opinion will do nothing. I do not want to be forced to take medication as I have taken many over the years and they have all failed. So I sit on the couch with a slightly elevated serotonin level and then what. I still have nothing. Not a life. Not anything I want or even want to deal with. The fact of the matter is that no amount of medicine is going to change my depression. They could also force ECT and there is NO way I am being forced to do that. I am not gambling and playing Russian Roulette with my intelligence and memory. I know someone who had it and it did that to them.

This is depression exacerbated by so many medical problems. I want to be hospitalized the rest of my life and live out my days quarantined in a mental institution. If I could figure out how to do that, that is what I would choose. I now have no family. My family sucks. No life. All my hopes and dreams are just gone and at this point are not recoverable.

Maybe I will start looking more heavily in that option as I do not have the courage to take my life even though I feel that the courage is increasing more and more each day.

I did think about being hospitalized for a bit but I cannot explain that to my job. My roommate was in the hospital for 3 weeks. I am a crisis counselor who actually talks to suciidal individuals on a daily basis. I just gave a presenation on how to talk to people who are suicidal. And if anyone wants to inquire I did not get into the mental health field because of my problems. I knew when I was 9 years old that was what I wanted to do. That was way before I had any sort of problems. I became a rape crisis counselor way before I was ever sexually assaulted. I am just the epitome of a fraud. I want to give up. It is so clear I do not want to pick myself up and fight anymore. I am just done.

It became upbundantly clear that seeing another therapist was not going to help. I am a Vet paying for my own therapy because the therapy there sucks. I am not cut out for it. What is so wrong with just giving up and wanting to die or at least commtting myself for life? My life is over. I wish everyday that I had some sort of small problem or simply depression but I don't. I have so mcuh wrong with me that there is no chance at any sort of life. Not a life I want and not a life I deserve. I am sick of living for the people that will be hurt if I am gone. That just sounds so selfish to feel better that I am alive to just bide my time all the while suffering more than them. Sorry I am just so angry my life has turned out this way and there is nothing I can do about it.
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Old 05-20-16, 07:54 PM   #15
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my dear friend.......is ok to be angry. you have every right to be, i know i am angry too. i thought if you go in voluntarily they cant force meds on you? especially when your doc knows they do not work. guess i am wrong. damn....this is just wrong on so many levels. you are also not a fraud!!! you made the unselfish decision to try and help others, how were you to know you were going to be up against this!! try to hold on
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Old 05-20-16, 08:03 PM   #16
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Thanks dax. If it could not have gotten any worse my roommate who has depression is now all of a sudden better with a new medication. She has had plans to move and because she is feeling better now she is probably going to move and has not given me an answer. I do not feel I will be able to handle the stress. I have moved twice in a year. It takes forever to find a place. I can't do this. I want to die so bad. I can't take my life.
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Old 05-20-16, 11:27 PM   #17
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I am so jealous that she is miraculously doing better and I am so much worse.
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Old 05-22-16, 11:06 AM   #18
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And then my roommate decides to bring a new guy in while I was seemingly asleep. I could not sleep because of my depression. And then she has sex with him. I have requested that I would really not want to be in the house. It feels so disrespectful. The last time that this happened she said it would never happen again. Part of me feels like I am overreacting but the other part does not. I have told her that I am doing worse off mentally at the moment. I am a little hurt or more than a little hurt. Just one more thing. I cannot take my life any longer.

I just want to die so badly.
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Old 05-22-16, 08:35 PM   #19
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If not more can happen my mom reaches out to me after I said I wanted nothing to do with her. So I reached out to her and I just feel she is so unfeeling and not willing to fight for anything. She seems so okay with me cutting myself out of her life. So now I have no support system whatsoever. I am so hurt. All because she emailed wanting to know how I was doing.

Then I had a conversation with my roommate about her not respecting my boundaries. That was uncomfortable. I just really do not understand why it was so hard to be respectful of my ONE boundary that I had. She is in her upper 30s bringing home men she barely knows and is okay with sleeping with them. I gave so much consideration to her when she was going through her suicide attempt...took off work to be there, took care of her dog, saved her dog took it to the emergency vet, etc. I never gave a thought to being there and then she is so inconsiderate. Her response was that she has not had a roommate in over 15 years. How about that has nothing to do with this and more about being unselfish.

Then I am thinking about finally hospitalizing myself. The little support I had I do not have now. I feel so betrayed by all. I cannot take it this life anymore. I do not think hospitalizing myself is going to do any good either. It just keeps getting worse and worse. no one cares
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Old 05-22-16, 10:05 PM   #20
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I am really sorry that I keep posting but just found out my roommate is moving. I have no idea what the f&*( I am going to do. I can't do this. How am I suppose to find a place to live. No mention of our conversation from earlier, like she did not even care. I am having the biggest nervous breakdown. Everything is crashing down on me. I am on call tonight, tomorrow night, and the next night. I am thinking of hospitalizing myself and I cannot find another place to live.

I wish I had the courage to kill myself. I have no support nothing. No one cares. Why do people treat others so poorly?
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