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This is a discussion on The Weight within the Suicide forums, part of the Suicide Forums category; Thanks FromTheHeart. There is truth to what you say. I think making it to work is getting tougher and tougher ...

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Old 12-03-16, 07:30 PM   #141
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Thanks FromTheHeart. There is truth to what you say. I think making it to work is getting tougher and tougher to where it is going to get to the point of where I cannot do it anymore.

I am truly sorry for the cards you have been dealt too.


I reach out for help and all I get is what do you want to see done or they minimize things. I beginning to think I am crazy.
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Old 12-06-16, 06:52 PM   #142
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You are not crazy angie. You are simply having to deal with a lot of serious issues. Maybe your healthcare professionals are frustrated and at wit's end too because they have not been able to help you. Perhaps that is why they ask you "what do you want to see done".

Anyway, thanks for your care and support. My job wasn't all heaven and moonshine but I do miss it.

Here are some virtual hugs for you too, angie.
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Old 12-12-16, 07:52 PM   #143
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Thanks FromTheHeart!


I am feeling increasingly suicidal. The one thing holding me or somewhat keeping me together was work. I am a supervisor. One of my supervisees recently provided some words that they felt I have done nothing for them this entire time I have supervised them. I have done so much to increase morale to include advocating for them and making sure their voices were heard. It was a punch to the gut. This is a type of place of work where it is more intimate than most settings you will find in a work environment. So that meant I have somewhat of a personal relationship with those I supervise. It feels awful. I could not sleep for two days because of it. It is like working so hard for something and then being told my efforts were not recognized nor were they appreciated. I did not even get an apology from this person. I am so disturbed by this.

I want to die so badly and my thoughts are becoming more severe meaning thinking of different ways, etc. Hospitalization would do nothing because none of my circumstances change. I wish I just had depression where a hospital stay would be helpful but I do not. I have so many circumstantial situations piled against me.

I just want to die. My hate for life just keeps getting stronger with each passing week.
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Old 12-16-16, 01:53 PM   #144
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Still nothing ever goes right. I have been trying to get treatment for a small whiplash going everywhere and doing everything and I still have pain with no explanation.

Going to a naturopath was not helping, massage therapy not helping, therapy not helping, advocating not helping.

I have basically succumbed to leaden paralysis and now am doing nothing at all because I am just so exhausted from doing all these things with no positive outcome. Things just get worse.

There is no way out of this. I see no hope whatsoever. I am estranged from my family. One or two people I care about and they are always wondering why I do not come home. I do not have the energy to make them understand. Then time ticks away.

There is no hope for this suffering. I do not know how much longer I can hold on. I think about killing myself every single day. I just want to die.

No one seems to understand why I can see no hope for the future or even the present. There is no hope for the present. I can't do this any more.
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Old 12-26-16, 10:49 PM   #145
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Thinking about ending it more and more. I cannot stand these medical problems. I cannot stand living. I do not want this anymore.
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Old 01-16-17, 07:47 PM   #146
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So things continue to be not so great.

There is a small positive thing but it will not go much of anywhere since I know the VA. FINALLY after almost two years of advocating someone at the VA listened to me and is doing something about it. For me it is just not enough as I really think I should get something for pain and emotional distress throughout the year.

Anyway, so I am waiting on that. My job is not going well and as of today am I considering putting in my notice. My job feels like it is acceptable to talk to supervisors any which way they want with no consequences (I am a supervisor). Because I think there should be some sort of hierarchy or structure or professional decorum I get the response that that is just my military talking. I have been treated like a punching bag from people that are not supervisors and there are no consequences. Today is another day like that I now I am considering quitting. I need this job as I finally bought insurance in addition to the crap job the VA did for me. This is a job where I can show up looking like I am depressed and nonfunctional and still have a job so....

I also have a problem with a tooth probably because I have been non functionally depressed for so long that that does not surprise me.

I still have chronic suicidal thoughts. I do not even recognize myself physically or mentally and have not for months.
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