I'm the only child in my family & my family is not so close with our relations. My parents have a small circle of friends. We rarely go on hikes, road trips and do parties.I have never celebrated my Birthday. Highschool was awesome. I had friends.But now they are all overseas and I'm here alone. I'm doing an online job & I live alone in my grandma's house.I happily refuse to go meet people.But when I see others uploading pictures on Instagram I wish if I had siblings life woudlnt be the same.
I've had relationships ,they all ended without a reason.It's like some invisible hand is trying to make me alone & root me down to one place.It sounds stupid but believe me. Either people change suddenly or I get fed up of the new place/society & rotate back to this house.I was never able to settle outside. I fall sick or something else happen.
I feel like I have no control over this.If something good happens I get a fear.I am afraid to be happy. I fell ill during this year so I cannot be active like I was before. I have suddenly lost the hope and excitement about life. I feel like I don't deserve to be happy anymore. I do meditation & all the spiritual things as suggested but nothing seems to have done a huge change. I am like a robot. I do things bcs I HAVE to, I'm not sure I will live any longer. Sometimes I feel like my time here is over and no one can do anything about it. These thoughts make me cancel my medical appointments bcs my mind says its useless, though It's normal.
I have had suicidal thoughts during 2015 but now I don't want to kill my self because I already feel like I am a walking dead. I am AFRAID to be happy because what has happened to me in the past I was never happy for too long. My life is gloomy for no reason. I have been hypochondriac, once it was extremely worse. I couldn't even sleep for half an hour bcs I thought I'll get a heart attack. Time to time I get some kind of shitty mental issue to wreck my life,If I am mentally stable then my outside life,relationships and studies are challenged. I haven't lived a single week with happiness and cheer. If I get some good news and the moment I become excited about it something happens and the good news becomes a bad news.So I decided to live alone. Infact that is what my life wants from me.To live alone. With NO human interactions,
Sometimes I feel like it's my bad karma or may be some evil spirit is trying to put me through this. Can someone give me your opinion?