The thought of ending it almost overwhelms me
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The thought of ending it almost overwhelms me

This is a discussion on The thought of ending it almost overwhelms me within the Suicide forums, part of the Suicide Forums category; I'm new to this forum and have a lot of fear and anxiety about posting, but frankly I don't know ...

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Old 04-20-17, 10:57 PM   #1
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I'm new to this forum and have a lot of fear and anxiety about posting, but frankly I don't know what to do. Every time I am working I get stressed to the point that I just want to end it all. My career is very good but I have a very hard time interacting with my Co workers- (that in itself is rare because my career field is supposed to build a brother bond). It becomes a real problem due to the fact that we are together in blocks of 48 hours. Not trying to have a pity me party by any means but I feel totally useless and helpless here. To make it worse I have children and I'm scared beyond words that I will pass these bad traits and examples on to them. I've never been able to deal.with bullying of any kind with anything other than physical force and of course, that's not always the best answer. Really it's me not bejng a good leader and being afraid to lead that's causing a lot of issues. This stems from a few years ago when I had a crew that took a lot of fun in harrassing, bullying, and flat out being cruel at almost every turn. I don't know how to move on from that and I still have to see these guys weekly. It caused/causes nightmares, insomnia, and some savage panic attacks that are lightning sudden. I also started seeing sudden hallucinations of people who were seriously injured/dead that i had worked on and on occaision i see my children in those hallucinations. I really just want it all to end and I feel like I would be alleviating the terror while simultaneously protecting my children from acting like me. I've already distanced from my wife and have dropped big hints that she should move on from me. If you made it through that ramble, I want to say thank you for taking the time.
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Old 04-21-17, 07:13 AM   #2
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I think you should talk to a doctor and/or therapist if you haven't already. They can help you in multiple ways. I would also suggest talking about it with your wife. Although she can't help in the same way as a therapist, she can be there to support you when you need it. If you are worried about your children having a bad example, you can talk to them about better ways to handle situations that you struggle with so that it will be easier for them to handle them. But above all, please don't kill yourself. It doesn't seem like it now, but it can get better. Also, people care. You may not realize how many or how much, but they do.
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Old 04-23-17, 02:33 AM   #3
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You're not alone. I was bullied and abused at my last job where I worked for 5 years, which ended up with me taking prescription anxiety pills, which, in the end, made me feel 100 times worse. Been working on getting off my meds, but I am not functional at the moment.

The abuse/bullying started in my childhood because my father used to drink to excess and would be verbally and physically violent....
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Old 04-23-17, 01:08 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by Brainstorm View Post
The abuse/bullying started in my childhood because my father used to drink to excess and would be verbally and physically violent....
My dad too was an alcoholic and was also a deadbeat who skipped out on us. What effect do you think that had on you?
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Old 04-23-17, 06:25 PM   #5
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I became more shy, more withdrawn, less trusting and more depressed/anxious. I was still friendly and outgoing and liked people, but was a lot more reluctant to open up and talk about my problems. I had a lot easier time comforting people regarding their problems, while I usually kept mine hidden out of embarrassment. I always thought other people were more "together" than I was, even during the times when I was doing quite well in life, and was generally content with myself.
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Old 04-24-17, 02:38 AM   #6
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I didn't drink, but instead went on an antidepressant. And some can work fairly well for some years until they get less and less effective over time, and that's where a lot of anxiety came back, and that's how I went for a benzodiazepine prescription, and it all slowly went even more downhill from there to the point where it got horrific. Mind you, I was not on a big dose, but periods of taking them and not taking them made my nervous system super sensitive, and ultimately resulted in a steady increase in anxiety and depression that it became unbearable, so the dose had to be increased. Then, I got so bad and realized I had to get off of it slowly, because I just kept getting worse and worse.Still ways to go but feeling better than before. It' still misery, but not the extreme agony that it was before....
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