Sometimes life gets the best of us. But we can't let it win. Sometimes when we get upset or depressed we think there are easy ways around how feel. That isn't always the case, and when we recognize that, sometimes we get desperate.
The internal conflict is the part of you that understands that suicide really isn't what you want.
If you haven't, consider therapy for those feelings. Especially if you feel it is a life threatening situation. And remember we are always here to talk. And that suicide hot lines are listed in the forums, are free, and only one call away.
I hope I can be of any help if you need it.