Hi everyone! I've suffered from depression for as long as I can seem to remember. I think it's mostly because I've always felt so lonely. I've never been able to keep friends and am always fascinated and stupefied at how other people seem to so easily have large groups of friends, and even romantic partners!! I'm currently in graduate/professional school and am always surrounded by happy, outgoing people that are a part of a great community that I just don't feel very welcome in. When I am with people, I seem to either not speak enough (and come across as bored and disinterested or just boring, and am not invited back) or I get too comfortable and speak too much (and come across as annoying and maybe like the socially awkward kid who never had many friends in high school and is way too excited, which is accurate, and am not invited back). I've always wished I could die easily, like before waking up, but I think I'm too scared to actually kill myself.
I'm trying to think of more reasons to want to continue living that don't have to do with friends or significant others, because I honestly don't see much of that in my future because honestly, I wouldn't want to be friends with me either! Yes I have family that loves me but it's just not the same. And yes I have pets but they kind of suck. I can barely take care of myself and it's a lot of work to take care of them too and it's draining since they are not affectionate pets (birds and a snake). I used to be excited about my career (veterinarian) but now it seems daunting and like too much work that I'm not cut out for. What are some other things that are worth living for?