I don't know how I got here really.
My name is 'Luna'. I'm 21 years old. Trouble has followed me my whole life. I have shocking anxiety, constant depression and a story that I believe forces me to want to end my life. I've always stuck with toxic people. When I was 14 I entered a relationship with a drug dealer who abused me. I stayed until I was 19 until he beat me so bad my friend called the police. When I was 17 he forced me into an abortion, I was stupid enough to agree. I carried on with other relationships shortly after I ruinited with a childhood boyfriend. I was abused mentally, told what I could and couldn't wear, told who I could and couldn't talk to, I was worthless and so. After some time, I left him for my current boyfriend. We are so happy together, but recently we lost a baby together. I blame myself because the tablets I was taking caused so many problems our baby died. On the day before my 21st birthday I lost my grandmother who u was exceptionally close to as I have very little bond with my own parents. I've fought the hardest fight over the past year, losing my grandmother and baby in 6 weeks almost killed me. And now I feel it is. I'm afraid of who I am. I'm afraid that my illness is taking over me. I can't talk to anyone. I've sectioned of my friends. I am afraid they will think I'm too negative. I have no social media, I am isolated from everyone aside my family and my boyfriend. To make matters worse, I have a terrible jealousy problem and my boyfriends brothers girlfriend is pregnant. I am so happy for them, but part of me chokes up with jealousy as our own child died. His family do not know this. I've attempted suicide once before, I was 16, my friend called an ambulance as I went into a fit. Sometimes I wish I'd just died that day. I feel okay can not live with myself. I am a burden of darkness, on anyone around me. I have an addiction to hurting myself I've done this since I was 16. I don't want to be without my grandmother, I feel like it's killing me. I feel I will not love anybody ever again. I have also lost a friend to cancer when I was 15 years old, which I couldn't bring myself to see her due to my selfish ways. Her father told me she would forgive me but the guilt consumes me. I'm sorry this is all over.. I don't talk about it and I'm very afraid. I'm looking for reasons to live, but I feel I'm running out. As much as my partner makes me happy, I feel I'm slipping back into the darker parts of myself. I have been cold. I feel pain if I feel anything. I hate myself, my appearance. I need to rid myself for this pain and hurt and the only way out is to escape. I just want it to stop hurting. I can't cope.. I guess im asking for help in a way. I just need to stop this pain.

Sad story, Lunastars, as far as I can see it can't get any worse for you, therefore it has to get better. Please do not blame yourself what happened in the past. It happened because it meant to happen. Not your fault. I feel every day I am dying but I don't, although I long to. I know how you feel, although I am in a relationship with a woman, I feel alienated, isolated and alone. I can't see any reasons for me to live. Like you I don't want to talk about it, I just wish it would end.