My MOTHER doesnt care if i die
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My MOTHER doesnt care if i die

This is a discussion on My MOTHER doesnt care if i die within the Suicide forums, part of the Suicide Forums category; In fact, she pretty much egged it on. As I have said on here before, I have been depressed for ...

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Old 12-20-09, 03:25 PM   #1
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In fact, she pretty much egged it on.

As I have said on here before, I have been depressed for years. It was always relatively manageable so I never went in for help. That and my parents had never dealt with that before. They don't believe in it. Well, its recently gotten worse. I started college, my boyfriend was admitted into treatment for his own depression and suicidal thoughts (and actions), my parents didn't seem to help much with anything. My mom has seen my cuts from self injury and still doesn't believe in depression.

I decided to go in and see a doctor. He said that i did have depression and started me on 50 mg of sertraline. It was not helping so he bumped it up to 100 mg and wanted me to start counseling. I made an appointment with a therapist but she was booked until January 6th.

I recently got a cat to help put me in a better mood because I love animals. He helped so much. I brought him home for christmas break and my step father would not allow me to keep the cat there. He gave no reason, just said the cat was not staying. It had nothing to do with not wanting the cat inside because they have an indoor cat and an indoor dog. Yet he denied my cat, as the DOG that my brother brought home sat there wagging his tail at me. I had my own litter box, food, and everything. It was only going to be for a week. He threw a fit and my mother just sat there and let it happen, like always. He does it to prove he's superior to me. He has always put me down. So i left and told them i was going back to my apartment and not spending christmas with ANY of them.

My mother did not even so much as call me. She said NOTHING as I left. My sister started texting me YELLING at me for being rude! I decided to stay at my dad's instead of driving the 2 hours back to my apartment. I stayed here over night.

My mother txtd me the next morning to call her. I told her I had nothing to say. She told my I was being rude to everyone and that I should come home for christmas because it was hurting her. She even referred to a time when my boyfriend got me a new kitten and my step father gave it away to someone else. She said "you should have gotten a clue that this was going to happen after the deal with the cat evan gave you". I told her that I needed a break from school and everything for a while to get better. She told me that if I quit school, i wouldn't be on her insurance anymore, so there goes my anti-depressants. I told her then that I didn't want to be alive anymore and I was going to kill myself.
She said, and i quote "pull your head out of your ass and quit feeling sorry for yourself"

And I snapped. I need help or i'm going to do something bad. I'm trying to get myself checked into a health center for depression but I have no money, and neither does my dad. And soon, I'll have no anti-depressants either.

They want me dead. And to be quite honest, I think that would be the best thing. They want it, and I want it. They wont have to deal with me "feeling sorry for myself" anymore.
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Old 12-20-09, 03:45 PM   #2
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I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better, atleast you have a bf to hold, i would do anything to feel a womans warmth now to let my sorrows flow away.

I would be there if i could but alas im too far away, call a hotline something that understands or your bf if you can. Don't kill yourself, please.
We need more people like you, it seems like the decent people are the ones that always suffer, it sucks.
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Old 12-20-09, 03:47 PM   #3
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Can you get a job around your area?
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Old 12-20-09, 04:06 PM   #4
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Shadow, my boyfriend is in another facility so i don't have him to hold. And after that, he's more than likely going to jail. His parents put a CHINS on him and they threatened him with something he did last summer and now he has to go to court for it. He'll serve 1-10 years.

R4D, I had a dinky part time job on the weekends around school (when I was going to class). But I called in sick often because I can hardly get out of bed. I don't want to function anymore without help.
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Old 12-20-09, 04:34 PM   #5
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Yeh, I know that feeling of having no strength in the morning and just laying back, do it myself. Nothing to be proud of, but hey, nothing to be shamed of either.

Can you keep the cat in your own appartment? Your parents wont allow u to keep in their house, but they said nothing about your own. And maybe you can have a peace treaty for christmas...
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Old 12-20-09, 04:57 PM   #6
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I know I have told you this before, but I am going to tell you again just to reiterate: I know exactly what it's like to deal with people who don't believe in depression. I face issues with that all the time. My own mother, as I have told you, does not believe in depression nor does she really support that I have it. *hugs* I can relate to where you said that your mom has seen you self-injure and still doesn't believe. Back when I used to, I told my mom that I had cut, and a month later, she told me to go cut myself and would even go get the knife for me to do it. (We were in a fight at that time.)

I am very pleased to hear that you have gone in to see a doctor. That is a very good step toward recovery, and ultimately, the most important one. I hope that you are able to get in and see the therapist and that what he or she has to say is benefical toward your situation. I am also happy to hear that you are medication. That can also be a big step toward recovery.

I know what you mean about getting an animal to put you in a better mood. Back in January, my family got a dog. It was honestly one of the best things to happen to me. The way I see it is this: animals do not judge based on anything except the amount of love you give to them. As long as you supply them with love, they love you in return. That is not always the case with people, so relying on an animal is always sort of nice. ^^; I am terribly sorry to hear about what happened when you went home, though; that is not fair to you at all. You had every right to leave and not spend Christmas with your family if they are going to treat you like that.

That is absolutely unfair to you that your mother would say something like that to you. As your mother, she has a moral OBLIGATION to be straight up terrified when you say that you want to kill yourself. I am so, so sorry that she told you to stop feeling sorry for yourself. You are not feeling sorry for yourself; you have depression, you have a disease. The way you are feeling is not your fault and I know for a fact that you are not feeling sorry for yourself.

You being dead is not the best thing. Just because your family is being unsupportive does not mean there are not people out there who aren't willing to offer support. I am one of those willing people. It would devistate me if something were to happen to you. Your life is precious and you deserve all the happiness in the world. I am sure they don't want you dead; and I know that you don't want that. You are in a bad spot right now, and that's perfectly understable.

Please keep coming here and talking to us. I love you.
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Old 12-20-09, 05:11 PM   #7
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Sweet Denial, you are wonderful. (our mothers should email each other about their "whiny children" *eyeroll*) I'm so grateful for all of you guys and your understanding. Its just so hard to get help for myself when my mother is pulling my insurance and my dad has no money. I am keeping my cat :) . The problem with that was that my landlord didn't allow me to leave him in my apartment when i wasn't there for the night so I had to bring him with over christmas break (which i wasn't complaining about because i love his company). I had him at my dad's for a while, but he's allergic. But he wants to do anything he can to get me happy, so he's letting me keep him here while i'm on break.

But my mother is still giving me the cold shoulder (2 can play this game) and eventually my pills will run out, and i'll have no treatment. It frustrates me that people can be denied the treatment they need because they dont have the money to cover it. :(
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Old 12-20-09, 05:25 PM   #8
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Life is possible without pills, yes, sounds strange from a once painkiller addict xD Find something you like, I suggest writing for starters, kept me occupied for some time. If in doubt, internet has everything you need with illustrations, comments, bitching about and a porn version of it xD jk
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Old 12-20-09, 06:00 PM   #9
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I do agree with you, R4D, but i think right now is a really rough patch and I need my pills as a "crutch". Not a lot is going well for me lately. I had planned on weaning myself off the pills when I started them, but things just got increasingly worse so instead of decreasing my dosage, its increasing.

The other thing is, I don't enjoy anything that I once did. I used to draw and sketch all the time (was going to school for it) and now I almost can't stand it. I can't really write anymore either. The only things I find joy in right now is my cat, and tuning out the rest of the world with my headphones. <3
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