I cannot trace back to the origins of my depression. Whilst I was young, I was very selective over my choice of friends. Unsurprisingly, as a result I only had two. As one does, as I lived life, I began to think of myself as improved, especially as I began a friendship with a girl who I viewed as an enemy previously (8 year old issues). Twelve-year old me thought that was very mature of me. Most of my childhood memories are fleeting, despite me being only 19 years old of this moment. However, upon questioning my mother, she said I was quite childish and judgemental when I was younger. Not much has changed. I have, however, become more tolerant. Nonetheless, I guess despite the history of depression in my family (possibly my grandmother, and definitely my mother who also had/has OCD), my own depression began upon moving to a new country without knowing its language. (although my great-aunt blaming me for my grandmother’s aneurysm and being rude to her did not help). Settling in was difficult and I was bullied. Especially in secondary school, where many classmates refused to sit next to me. In hindsight, I suppose that made me feel as if something was wrong with me. And from there onwards, I began being extremely self-critical. It began with an obsession with my skin; my forehead was spotty. Then, my belly was protruding. I thought I was fat. In actuality, I knew I was not, but I couldn’t help but feel disgusting. My body hair also became an issue (and still is). There are many examples and instances I will skip for the sake of making this post shorter, albeit it is already very lengthy. But when I was around 17/18, I did something that might have killed me. I view myself as quite rational. I knew that was not enough to kill me. But I knew it would do something to me. In fact, when I woke up the next day my memories were mixed up. Precisely, I was at a point where I did not care what happened to me. If I died, I did not care. If I did not, I did not care. And that was when I knew I needed help. My school counsellors did not help. My mother cried, which made me more stressed, and made me worry excessively about her rather than myself. At that point I decided I would stop being selfish and exist for my family’s sake. I was existing, but not living. And it has been this way for some time now. I never studied hard, but somehow got good grades. I am now in university. This minimal effort is no longer effective though. I am struggling. I do not have motivation for anything, and although I have people I talk to, and people who claim to care about me, I feel like they don’t (apart from my parents. My father definitely does not understand me. He comes from a small town where gender stereotypes are predominant. My mother is way more open minded, and claims to understand how I feel, but I don't think she does, though I do appreciate her efforts). But I feel alone. I no longer research about easiest suicides, or daydream about killing myself. But I don’t do what I want to do either. I want to study, and learn, and feel smart. But I feel lazy and stupid. I feel stuck. I have had a few drinking issues. First time was when I was 16. Got drunk at a sleepover and simply blacked out. Then next year at new years eve, had to call my father to escort me back home because I was smashed. Next year another new years eve, got blacked out drunk and chipped my front teeth. Had white fillings, but made me self-conscious and now hate my teeth. Feel ugly. Had a safe-ish year last year, until when I fell down this year and scraped my face. Have faint scars, which may go away but are truly bothering me right now. Saw a GP about drinking issues. Mentioned I saw a counsellor last year but that did not help. Only blamed my family. No doubt my family had an impact on my wellbeing, but doubt they are the sole cause of my depression. The GP at my uni now prescribed me Zoloft 50mg. I also made a counselling appointment in my uni which will happen at the end of this month. 50mg Zoloft for a month did not help. Talked about increasing the dosage, decided with the nurse that I will continue with the 50mg for another month, then try 100mg. Tonight, I felt brave. I decided it was an 'interesting' idea to attempt suicide. Thankfully it didn't work which is great considering my reckless stupidity. But I am really feeling my depression right now. Always do, when I drink alone. Don’t know the point of this post, to be honest. Although I wrote so much, I also left much out. But I just need someone to talk to right now. Sorry about this.