I am a 45 year old single woman. I lived for many years feeling I could never understand why a woman would tollerate a man like your husband. And then I finally fell in love with a man. He charmed me beautifully. I thought we had a lot in common. Over time I learned he had lied about who he was. I also suspected he was gay, but of course, I had to figure that out painfully. What happened was that once the jig was up, he broke the relationship off. Wow. To get dumped--how painful! In a sense, I was the one who let him do that (he has a handicap). Still, it hurt.
But the thing is, just because he stopped loving me, that did not mean that I automatically stopped loving him. I could not stop loving him. Even when he would yell at me and say derrogatory things to me, I kept wanting to love him. (he sent me to an AA meeting, and I don't even drink). I even went to that silly AA meeting (AA may be good for some people, it's just not my bag) because he wanted me to "straighten out my head". And still I loved him.
We maintained a friendship over the last year, and I have put up with the ups and the downs. He did finally confess he was gay, and STILL I wanted to love him! He did start behaving himself a LITTLE better, but still in most ways he is the kind of guy who is just pretty hateful toward women (except for his dream princess, all in his head), and he is mean to them.
The thing I would like to say to you, Justhere, is this. It takes TIME for the LOVE you have to die. Could you consider the possibility that you could endure that process? You won't suddenly stop loving him. You will stop a little bit at a time as the reality that is going on slowly seeps in. It takes time to realize that a man like the one you have never truly loved you--he does not know how. HE DOES NOT KNOW HOW. YOU WANT TO DO THE HOW FOR HIM. Let go, hun. The hard part, is, that you have to let go of the good in him as well as the bad in him....all the nice things he barely does, all the sweet things he once did, the nice eyes or the square chin or the deep voice he has, along with the the horrible things he REALLY is and REALLY does.
I read some advice in a book about love I would like to share with you.
To "project on someone" means to attribute characteristics to them.
Now, when we women fall in love, we have a tendence to "project" characteristics on that person that WE have or that we WISH we had!
He is clearly none--or very few--of the things you originally projected on him, and you projected on to him things/characteristics that you need to recieve from him. But you are not getting them, dear. He is not a giving or loving individual.
It is painful to let go of those projections and see him for what he REALLY is, and dear girl, he is really a monster. YOU ARE NOT.
Good luck--stay safe--and take care. Remember to step away first if you need safety, then let the love go bit by bit. You deserve that.