I really don't care anymore
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I really don't care anymore

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Old 03-03-13, 08:03 PM   #1
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Default I really don't care anymore

It's how I see the world, different from everyone else.

My spark is gone. I have moments where it seems normal, but my hope is gone.
My tortured mind is screaming at me to make a choice, when I can understand it. I can end it now, and sleep. Or I can turn every little bit of anger and hatred I have into myself. Turn me into Lord Syyn properly, I'm sure that'd be fun. Until next time.

I'm always tired. Irritated and annoyed by just about everything, but just so tired that it's here one moment and gone the next.
Moving on holds no fear over me. I just don't care. I've watched myself lose things 'people' should have, friends, love, all that other pansy ass shit that makes it easier.

No, I'm not the same as I was a few years ago. I've watched myself lose those things and lose myself too. Every single day, I go further down becoming someone else. It's bad. I don't feel the pain, but I can tell it's there.

Someone I trusted, with nearly everything about me has gone. So has my willingness to be fucked with anyone else. I'm smart. I learnt how to hide what I feel from everyone else last time. They have no fucking idea what it's like to be me.

You don't get betrayed when you're alone. Nobody breaks your trust. A victory of sorts, but the price I paid for it was myself. I don't have any friends. I don't have anyone that I can talk to or hang out with. I haven't had anyone for years.

I still don't know why I'm writing this. I can't see any benefit, but maybe that's just me.

Today is a better day for me.
I'm not even 21 yet, and this shit already. Good thing I don't care anymore.
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Old 03-03-13, 08:11 PM   #2
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Hey there,

It's a horrible feeling that nobody else understands. I can't say the I know what it's like to be you, but I do know what it feels like to be me and just want it all to freaking stop.

I find it useful sometimes to think about what I'm trying to achieve through suicide. Almost always, for me, it's actually about about wanting things other than death. Peace of mind, maybe. A break. My head to just be quiet. The ability to really sleep. Stuff like that.

Death is sort of a shortcut to those things, for me, and it's a fairly final and irrevocable one. I wonder if it'd be useful to see if you can tackle some of those problems in the here and now?

I hope you don't mind me saying that- I know it's very easy to say the wrong thing at times like this so I'm sorry if I did. Take care.
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Old 03-03-13, 08:21 PM   #3
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It's intentional that people don't understand. I show very little emotion, a way to protect myself if you will. I've been in hospital for it before, after I had tried to kill myself.

Counselling, well I am an excellent liar, thought I don't believe that what I say is untrue. A quirk of what used to be my personality.

What I want more than anything, and I'd give my life to have it, is someone who cares. I've made a bucketful of mistakes, but having no-one is the worst.

Everyone dies sooner or later. That's not going to change. And I exist, not live. Why not just be sooner, if you hate it?

I wouldn't have any regrets about what I did.
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