I'm sixteen.
I have ADHD, but some of my friends say I'm probably schizophrenic or something..
My dad is homophobic so he abuses me. Verbally and physically. To extreme lengths..he hates me.
All my mum does is moan at me, it's like she doesn't care about what I'm going through. I hate them both. I want to strangle them.
I'm not actually that bad...I'm genuinely nice, sweet, caring, loving..but I feel like I can't be nice or loving to my parents. It's not natural for me
I grew up with no friends
I have friends now, but not many close ones, and all my close ones more or less are depressed and suicidal too..
I'm not always suicidal, I'm hyper sometimes..I get mood swings. For months I was cutting myself, now I get good days/weeks and bad ones. I don't cut as much as I used to..but still do sometimes.
Would do more if I had the energy. I'm struggling with college as it is. I got very good exam results but I often feel I have no motivation
No-one loves me either. Everyone I ever have had feelings for broke my heart
I'm a bit clingy and paranoid when it comes to relationships, I expect to get hurt. I just want someone to cuddle with and feel loved by, but all I do is get ripped to shreds. My poor little heart can't take much more...
I hate myself so much because I'm worthless, pathetic, annoying and ugly and weird
I'm scared I'll end up some bald lonely alcoholic with no friends or boyfriend who dies alone in his twenties
I have a cannabis problem anyway, I do it to cope. I took coke and ecstasy too..both left me feeling crap, but I did them anyway. I smoke and drink too, cause frankly I don't care about my health. Every time I smoke a cigarette I enjoy the fact it's shortening my lifespan.
I despise myself, and my life, so much. I feel so much guilt and regret
I've been bullied so much. Even at college I've got called names and outcasted by people
There's a cursed rubber spider who talks to me, he controls my pain, tells me to do bad things, tells me my friends are slagging me off, that I'm worthless. He leaves messages around proving his existence and I've worked out he wants to punish me to drive me to suicide.
I was born with crappy genetics, so nature made me depressed to wipe me out. I'm a mistake. The spider chose me to pick on cause I was vulnerable. Plus I was born a month prematurely so I'm messed up anyway.
People think I'm just an attention-seeker. I tried to get help but the GP referred me to CAHMs and CAHMs think I'm not at risk.
And tbh..I don't know if I am at risk. I want to get drunk and kill myself so bad, but I have so much fear. A part of me is strong and wants to go on, but I'm messed up...I feel like I'm destined to die and suffer. Born to suffer...
I was in hospital because I collapsed in pain. Excruciating agony. My dad kicked me and called me a psycho and a faggot when I was in that pain. I have a medical condition which is rare for my age and caused by poor diet and rapid weight loss (around the time my nan died of cancer, who I miss, I was starving myself and lost about 3 stone in 6 weeks, cause I hated being fat. I still find myself fat now, even though I know rationally I'm a healthy weight)
My dad says I'll either die by drug/alcohol overdose, or kill myself, or get murdered. He's right
I get myself into trouble anyway. I've nearly been beaten up many times, I've been attacked, I've been mugged so many times. I live in an extremely rough area
I have Tourettes...it gives me embarrasing tics
I feel ashamed of who I am.
My thoughts feel so cloudy, blurry and confused.
I feel so alone, so isolated, alien and different from everyone else.
I can't control my mood swings. I often want to die and I'm terrified it'll only get worse and worse...
I want to be happy so bad, but even if my circumstances change, my mental state won't. I feel so messed up.
I'm so anxious and paranoid too, and I get panic attacks now.
I feel ill all the time. I have a smokers cough already and my stomach always feels weird because I don't eat enough calories and when I do eat it's usually crisps or energy drinks.
I just keep thinking I should die...

I don't know what to do. I don't know if anything can be done to save me anymore :'(

-I have ADHD too. People can find it really annoying. But I do my best to embrace it to the fullest.

-If you're parents are that way, having a general distaste is going to happen at some point. They're supposed to love you unconditionally. Abusing you isn't unconditional love.

-It's good you're not that bad. Take your genuine, caring, etc and run with it. Make that who you are. I get that it's hard. baby steps though. rome wasn't built in a day.

-Having some close friends, especially those who can relate to you, is better than having no friends period. If they wanna try to "get better" then you all could work on it together and it'd make things easier on you all.

-I can have mood swings too. I can get hyper and be in a great mood. then it's like I crash. It isn't nearly as bad as you seem to be.

-I struggle to get motivation to do a lotta things too. Which causes more stress. I try to keep my mind on things i do enjoy, though. Saying that is easier than actually doing it. And doing it for myself is probably easier than you trying to do it. I understand that. But it doesn't hurt to try and find something to motivate you. I believe there is something for everyone. It's just easier to find for others.

-there's over 7 billion people on earth. There's gonna be someone out there who will love you for you. who will understand you. you will care for you. Since you're only 16 you still can think of the fact that people your age aren't fully developed yet. Mentally, emotionally or physically. Finding someone to love and to be loved feels harder.

-Just because someone calls you annoying, ugly, etc doesn't automatically mean you are. people are gonna have different opinions on you. Some good, some bad, some indifferent. You can't cling on the bad ones. You'll drive yourself crazy.

-Alcohol isn't gonna help the depression. Neither will the drugs though lol. I wouldn't recommend doing coke or any hard drugs. I don't have a problem with weed. It can help mind state quite a bit -from my experience but not everyone is the same.

-Your dad isn't right. You merely hear that all the time, so now you believe it. He sounds like all he is is a stereotypical ignorant homophobic person who, correct me if I'm wrong, also sounds like he'd be racist. And quite honestly I've never met someone who was all those and smart/intelligent/knowledgeable/knew what they were talking about. They just like to spew their own propaganda on others. Usually it's deprived from their own insecurities. It doesn't matter how often he says something, or what he says, it doesn't make it true.

-I have self conscious thoughts when thinking about my looks. I'm not a picture person 'cause of it. But I have had people compliment my looks plenty of times. A big part of it is confidence in myself. It's not an easy thing to attain. I'm aware. I went through it - but it is possible. I'm also aware not everyone is gonna find me attractive. It happens. It's a subjective thing though. It'll never be a factual thing.

-You're stressing out so much about being depressed, and what your dad says, and wanting to be happy it's making things a thousand times worse. Take baby steps. Try to change one thing. Just a minute thing. It can start a domino effect.

I'm fully aware this response may not help you very much from an advice standpoint. But I just want you to know you're not alone. And you're not being ignored. You're not some alien. There are many people who are like you. And even if someone isn't going through the same exact thing, (i.e. me), they can still understand where you're coming from.

My ADHD has improved, but my impulsiveness has upset and offended a few people and made me feel guilty. I live with a lot of guilt and regret tbh.

As for the racist thing...yes. My mother is half-Indian, and he still married her, but their marriage has gone to peices more or less and he lets his family talk negatively about 'pakis' and 'foreign cunts', and apart from Indians and White British people, I've seen him be racist to every race there is, which is something considering me live in an EXTREMELY multi-cultural area. He brought me up to try and influence me with racist and homophobic views, telling me if I came home with a black girl, he'd go mental, and if I came home with a boy, he'd beat the living daylights out of me and never talk to me again. He also phoned up some of my ex-boyfriends and threatened them down the phone. Personally I don't judge anyone as long as they're not hurting people. I just don't get why people just can't be kind and respectful to eachother.

And same with the mood swingss. I can get hours of hyper-ness, next thing I know, I'm anxious, depressed and extremely sensitive. Things can trigger it too. It's gotten to the stage where dropping a cup of tea on the floor can make me cry, because the mug reflects peoples fragility, and the clumsiness of me dropping the cup shows I'm useless and pathetic and deserve to die. One tiny little thing can trigger a whole wave of negative thoughts, and I'm naturally a pessimist anyway. I've never really understood optimism. Sometimes I cheer myself up by thinking on the lighter side, but it's not something I can keep on 24/7. Generally I see something to be upset, angry or concerned about in anything.

As for the love...I've been hurt so many times. I've even had guys who are clingy and have been hurt themselves..hurting me. I've worked out I'm a bit clingy, and my depressiveness and tendency to rush can be off-putting, so I try to work on those but sometimes by paranoia and emotions get control of me, and I say and do things I regret which put people off. The weird part is I feel like I'm on drugs when I do it. Once I tipped coffee all over the floor and screamed at my mother, and then the details were kind of...blurry? afterwards...and speaking of drugs, I have to disagree on the weed thing. It's a beautiful, beautiful substance and in my opinion by far the best drug in existence, especially the strong stuff, but it can contribute to mental illness and I feel it's made me worse. My mentality was poor anyway. Weed made my thinking cloudy and confused. Now it's kind of different. I'm smoking it everyday and I feel so messed up I can't even explain how my mind feels. Going back to love, I just don't think I'm ever going to find someone to love me. And even if I do, I want someone who's right for me. All I really want is a guy who will gladly cuddle up to me, and do cute little things like wrap his arms around me when I'm working and make me a cup of tea and kiss me on the cheek when we go out for lunch and tell me I'm special and beautiful in his eyes and stuff....I'm too romantic for my own good. I'm probably the needy type as well tbh. I don't mind being alone right now, but its the prospect of spending my entire life alone that kills me a little bit inside. Well, kills me a lot inside actually..

Thank you for trying to help, I will consider your advice thoroughly<3