I am a piece of shit.
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I am a piece of shit.

This is a discussion on I am a piece of shit. within the Suicide forums, part of the Suicide Forums category; I'm actually about to post this to random people on the internet. That's how far I've fallen. I have really ...

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Old 11-10-10, 03:38 PM   #1
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Default I am a piece of shit.

I'm actually about to post this to random people on the internet. That's how far I've fallen.

I have really no reason to continue living, but I do mostly out of bitterness and spite. My goal in life is to become an elementary school teacher (that's what I'm majoring in in college right now). I don't see any real inherent value in human life.

Yes, I'm planning on becoming a teacher with an attitude like that.

At least I have a goal now. Between the ages of 13 to... oh, say, 23 or so, my only goal in life was to get as fucked up as possible on every drug and liquor known to man. Hell, when I was a teenager, I did drugs that even I didn't know what they were.

I have no friends. None whatsover, and I really never have (apart from my wife... more on that later). I am fairly large, ugly, and disturbing, and I tend to make everyone around me hate me. I know this because people have told me this to my face. The only people who ever spent any time around me for any length of time are people who were using my house as a place to get drunk, do drugs, and have sex. See, when I was 14 or so, my mother got into the habit of disappearing for weeks at a time over to her boyfriend's house to... well, do drugs and have sex. Lack of parental supervision tends to attract the wrong sort of people. I had my Super Nintendo stolen, along with my Nintendo 64, four Playstations, two Playstation 2's, countless clothes, pipes, money, and CD's. But I didn't really care. Well... having to occasionally go months eating nothing but ramen wasn't fun. Oh, a couple of times I had to eat mustard packets, because even the ramen had run out. My mother wouldn't come home, even if I told her I had no food, but she'd be home in no time if I told her the cat was out of food. I had to eat cat food a couple times. That stuff tastes terrible.

Oh, and whenever she was not high, she tended to do things like beat me over the head and scream things like "I could have gone to college if it wasn't for you!" and "I should have just had an abortion when I had the chance!" At first chance, I moved out, but went broke and had to move back for a year. During this year, I was not allowed in the house when they weren't there, and often found myself locked out in the garage with a milk jug to piss in.

That's all in the past, though. I haven't spoken to my mother since about 2003. Or the rest of my family, as a matter of fact. They all stopped talking to me when they found out I was on drugs. I don't do drugs anymore, though. I don't need to, since now I can buy alcohol freely. "Alcohol tests" don't exist to prevent you from getting jobs, and I don't need friends to buy alcohol, and it accomplishes the same effect.

Anyway, between then and now, I've attempted suicide six times. Never successfully, obviously. I was planning to make a seventh attempt in 2007, but instead I met the girl who would eventually become my wife. We married in 2009, and since then, I have treated her like absolute shit. I scream at her, I insult her, I hit her on a fairly regular basis. Really, the only reason I haven't committed suicide already is because she would be sad if I did. But she'll leave me eventually. It would be for her own good. And then that'll be it. Game over. Goodbye, cruel world and all those cliches. My mother will probably bawl her eyes out and use it to get sympathy from all the drunks at the bar, like she always does with anything - she's still convinced, in her deranged little version of reality, that she was the ideal, perfect mother, and that I was nothing but a cross to bear. The rest of my family will likely just sigh and shake their heads and complain and bitch about the cost of having to have my carcass cremated and what a pain in the ass it is, just like they did when my uncle killed himself. Hopefully, my wife will hate me by then and think Good Riddance. No one else will give a shit. No, don't say that you will give a shit. You don't know me.

And really, there's no reason for anyone to give a shit. I hate everything, I really wouldn't care if everyone dropped dead tomorrow. I will likely not make any contribution to the world, and even if I did, I'm only one man and I can't stop the endless spiral of shit that the world is falling into. I want to be a teacher? What am I going to do, tell little Billy, "Aw, that's sweet, you want to be an artist. You know that artists never make any money unless they rent themselves out to corporations for graphic design, and most die completely broke." Tell little Tyrone, "Aw, you want to be an astronaut! You realize you have to join the military for that, you know. And you'll have to have excellent math and science skills, which you won't get because you're stuck learning in this shithole city public school." Or tell little Jennifer, "You want to be President, that's so cute! You realize it'll be a cold day in hell before this backwards-ass country elects a female President." Even if I managed to keep my negative outlook under check, I'm not, how do you say, politically correct or socially inclined in any way, so eventually I'd probably get fired.

So, when it comes down to it, the world actually would be better off if I were dead. At worst, it would keep me from destroying the dreams of any student who had the misfortune of getting me as a teacher.

Oh, and one last thing - I'm a pedophile. My wife? She's nine years younger than me. I met her when she was 15 and married her exactly one month after her 18th birthday.

So there you go. I don't know why I wrote all that, but I did. There's shit in there I've never told anyone in real life. Probably because I'm curious to see what a suicide help forum will say when confronted by a real piece of shit like me.

Don't go telling me to get professional help either - if I ever told anyone in real life the shit I've posted here, I'd be locked up. And that would be a fate worse than death.

Last edited by Ella; 11-12-10 at 07:35 AM.
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Old 11-10-10, 04:32 PM   #2
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You can change, that's all anyone can tell you, no matter how far you've gone. You're obviously tired of this approach to life. I don't think any of the solutions you put forward are the answer and neither do you. I know you are afraid of being found out but you might find respite in getting some help. At least then you can lean on someone stronger than you.
I understand about self loathing-I always had a self-esteem problem that my mother nurtured with epithets and blows. She knocked out my two front teeth when I was five and broke my nose when I was twelve. My only real goal in life has been to be as different from her as possible.
Plato said, Know thyself...If you know you cannot be around children then don't become a teacher. Don't perpetrate the crimes that were done to you on others. Break the cycle. You sound like a strong-willed person, use your strength for change. You have a choice. You always have a choice.
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Old 11-11-10, 09:53 AM   #3
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Even you did some terrible things i dont think you are shit you just had rly rly unlucky and shitty childhood.Something like me tho i did not had it bad and extreme like you did.But i also missed my childhood doing shit i hated and didnt liked and now im just fucking angry at myself and the rest of the world there for im self destructive.
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And as the walls come down
And as I look in your eyes
My fear begins to fade
Recalling all of the times
I have died
and will die.
It's all right.
(I don't mind)

A pill to make you numb
A pill to make you dumb
A pill to make you anybody else
But all the drugs in this world
Won't save you from yourself.
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Old 11-12-10, 07:43 AM   #4
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Dear members,

I have removed some posts from this thread because they were not supportive to the original poster.

Please remember that this is a support forum. Do not reply to a thread unless it is for giving support.

If a post upsets you, please report it by clicking the report button , instead of arguing on the forum.

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Old 11-12-10, 09:38 AM   #5
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Dear OM,

You certainly have a lot you have dealt with and and are proceeding with goals.

Your upbringing is one that creates an atmosphere to be unloveable and you are very aware of the destructive behaviors you engage in.

With that said, awareness is a big part of change. Although you clearly state for none of us to tell you need help, I am going to tell you that you very much need to get professional help. I strongly recommend that you get professional help before you ever attempt to be in a classroom with other children.

The children you will be in the classroom with are not in anyway responsible for the tragic events of your life, but unfortunately, if you do not get help, they will be the recepients of the stain those tragic events have left on you.

Good luck!

3t
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Old 11-12-10, 10:21 AM   #6
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Ayo dude.

I've read the post and to me, it seems like you're pretty angry. The fact that you self-destruct yourself knowingly, that pretty much speaks for itself. I think you wouldn't accept help even if someone reached out to you. But I know you already know all that so I won't bother saying any more.

But I am kind of jelous of you. Don't mean to be an asshole or anything, I see you've it tough but guys like you can make it anywhere man ... You just have that extra something in you which is also seen in your writting. Your writting is awesome by the way, really pulls you in.

I guess what I'm saying is ... sober up for some time and think about the whole perspective with a clear head.
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Old 11-12-10, 12:07 PM   #7
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Such loneliness and being so cast aside can lead to such such deep despair.

Maybe the dream of teaching might be a shred of hope for healing that hurting adolescent that you were? How might you reach out to your teenaged self, help him feel wanted and safe?

Although my background is different, I know what it's like to feel so worthless and like a piece of shit, a piece of refuse.
But remember. Just because you feel like you're a piece of shit, it doesn't mean you are.
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Old 11-12-10, 12:16 PM   #8
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Hi Omncidal,

I was also stuck with how well you write, you definately can express your feelings, and that in itself is something powerful you have of your own, think about that when you feel your worthless and your life is meaningless.
You've been through a lot, growing up without love and affection, being made to feel you're an obstacle, being either ignored or abused... it's not surprising you're angry and cynical.

I dont think you should write yourself off as a teacher. You might find you enjoy teaching, there's no reason why you as a teacher should be telling kids sugar-coated lies about life, that's just your cynicism talking. I think people who have been through a lot are often the ones who can give the most back to others, once they get they're own feelings under control, you might find being around young people inspiring, you could turn out to be very deeply involved about their well-being and education and you could find the teaching profession very fulfilling.
Don't give up just yet. You have a lot going for you. Please post some more.
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Old 11-14-10, 12:54 AM   #9
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omnicidal, you do write very well. not everybody can do that. where did you learn this skill, i mean, did you go to public school? how in the world were you able to pay attention with the hell going on at home?
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Old 11-14-10, 01:09 AM   #10
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Well, the first thing that comes to mind to discuss is the fact that you are not a pedophile. At least not for dating a 15 year old. Pedophiles are interested in girls who have not hit puberty yet.

I actually had a similar situation at 15 - I lied to make myself older and the guy lied to make himself younger and by the time we knew the age difference, we didn't care. He wanted to marry me the day I turned 18 as well.

2) Why do you want to be a teacher?

3) Why do you hit your wife? That is of more concern than the age difference to me. This is a support forum so I'm not going to pass judgement on that. I ask because somehow I feel like from your post here that you recognize it's wrong....so I wonder if you have a condition that causes rages?

do you have any diagnosis besides depression?

I understand what you mean about not being able to tell professionals everything, but there is a way to get across getting help with what you need w/o revealing things you'd rather not.
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