fuck my shit life
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fuck my shit life

This is a discussion on fuck my shit life within the Suicide forums, part of the Suicide Forums category; Iím a 32 year old guy who is pretty much dead-cert (excuse the pun) on killing myself, probably at the ...

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Old 09-26-12, 10:31 AM   #1
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Iím a 32 year old guy who is pretty much dead-cert (excuse the pun) on killing myself, probably at the end of this week. Quite simply, Iíve had enough of everything and have spent my whole life depressed. My life is total shit.


I grew up with a useless alcoholic father who was never there for me. He was such an arsehole I couldnít even bring friends around our house because he was always drunk. Even now that heís sober I canít stand him. I think its primarily because of him that I've had anger issues.


My mother is my rock, this is the only thing that stops me from killing myself. Sheís always been there for me, always. I love her to bits and I know Iíll break her heart if I kill myself, but Iím in so much pain I feel like saying fuck it regardless. Selfish I know but my life is a living nightmare.

On top of that I spent my life wishing I were female. Iím trapped in this male body with no way out. I confessed to my family when I was about 20 that I wanted to be female, shortly after I initially dropped out of university because I was abusing alcohol and drugs. Only my mother supported me, the rest of my family just told me to go see a shrink. Scared of being labelled a freak or rejected I stayed a guy. I went to the gym and started to lift weights to feel more comfortable but the truth is I have zero confidence. My whole life is a constant struggle with a social phobia, Iím totally shy and struggle to talk to strangers.

As a result I struggled with relationships and ended up blowing thousands of pounds on prostitutes to fill the loneliness in my life. Spent most my life sat at home on the Internet or playing video games.

My only passion I found in life was studying Japanese. It took me to living in Japan for 2 years but even then I struggled like hell. I spent most my money on prostitutes, only made a couple friends and spent most my time crying on the webcam to my mother about how shit my life is.

I left Japan to come back to this crappy little island and couldnít get a job with my language ability. Destined to a life of doing shitty jobs I never worked for 12 years, lived off my parents, have no idea how to do anything by myself and rarely went out.

At the beginning of the year I met a woman that I fell madly in love with. She told me she loved me; she was the first person I ever met who made me feel good about myself. She was so charming and loving, totally amazing. For the first time in life I finally found happiness and I started to live and feel like a man. She became my lifeÖ but after 5 months she dumped me suddenly out of the blue for reasons I donít know.

I finally found a job, she tells me to move into her flat and I said yes, 5 days later she dumps me on the first day of my job, total mind fuck. Confused and traumatized I was bordering on insanity. She used to say to me ĎIím only building you up for the next womaní, I thought she was joking at the time but the sudden dumping and some of the things she said to me convinced me she never loved me and she had simply been taking the piss to boost her ego. How can someone tell you they love you then dump you 24 hours later, it makes no sense.

I bumped into her a couple times in public, insulted her because I was convinced she had just used me and she got the police involved. I have a harassment order on me now, so I canít even talk to her. She never once said sorry for anything, always my fault.

I loved her so much, adored her, she was my life, but now sheís gone and Iím totally dead inside. The first and only woman whoís ever told me she loved me and I sit here questioning whether it was a complete piss take or not. Iím a co dependant who canít function on my own. I have a massive heart too, Iím empathic so the pain is beyond bearable.


Iím writing this at work, a job I hate, Iím a lackey doing a job for morons. My bosses are talking across the room from me and nobody gives a fuck. I was even reading suicide forums at work early and nobody took any notice. Iím the coffee maker, the letter poster, nobody cares, I donít even know why they bother employing me.

Iím on medication, counselling. Nothing works. Iím totally dead inside and Iíve lost the will to live. My ex sold me a dream, marriage, kids, growing old together, a total dream. I fell for it and now its gone, now I have nothing. My reason for living has gone. Iím unwanted and uncared for. I donít want anyone else, just her, but she canít stand the sight of me.

I canít move on, I gave her my heart and soul and Iím lost without her. Iím not living, just existing and the pain is unbearable. I cry every day, I canít even bring myself to smile or talk to people. We have a new guy at work this week, heís really chatty and keeps talking to me, I just want him to go away and leave me alone. All my dreams and aspirations are gone, no desire to do anything. I was going to learn how to drive but I canít even bring myself to do that now.

Thank you for reading this but I hate my shit life and I want to call it a day. I'm scared but I just can't function anymore, I just want this pain to end.


When I go to bed at night, I pray not to wake up, I donít want to get out of bed, I donít want to do anything, just sleep, sleep forever and disappear.
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Old 09-26-12, 07:46 PM   #2
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Hey matey you could almost have described my life there. I lost the love of my life recently, she to sold me the family dream etc. It was so incredibly painful, it brought up all sorts of traumas and painful feelings that I just hoped I would be gone. However I am trying to see that if the relationship failed at this point, for whatever reason, it would have failed later on down the line, maybe with children and other responsibilities thrown into the mix. A friend of mine is paying child support to two different women, he will be doing that for the next 15 years of his life.
I believe these experiences help us to shed our preconceptions about others and ourselves. Hopefully we can become wiser and more compassionate too.
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Old 09-26-12, 08:31 PM   #3
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Hello and welcome...

I read your post several times trying to think of how to reply, but I just don't know what to say.

You sound so overwhelmed...like you can't break it all down and work on one thing....because all of these issues are so stressful.

But, if you were able to break them down (or separate them), I think that you could see that separately ....you can heal from each one (with the exception of wanting to be a woman....which I don't know you need to heal from, so much as realize that is who you are and you should not feel ashamed or apologize for it).

Granted, what your dealing with is a lot, but there is hope. I won't promise you that you will be fine or that everything can be better in time...but I know there is a chance for it.

I couldn't help but think about why you chose your user name. It made me of something that was born/made to fly...but there was no air. Then I imagined that here is something/someone who has the potential to fly...if they could just breath ....if they just had air.
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Old 09-28-12, 02:56 AM   #4
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I'm crying for a few reasons but I read your post and can relate so closely to that 'just existing' feeling.

Noone can understand how it feels to lose the love of your life, your reason for being, the smile that no longer appears... replaced by silent tears; unless you've had it happen.

It's the worst pain to endure, a pain that never stops.


:'-(((
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Old 09-28-12, 04:14 AM   #5
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as others have posted - i have read this a few times and i dont now what to say, im sorry that you are dealing with a lot. break ups are hard, especially if one person still has feelings for the other when the relationship ends - i should know ive been trying to get over someone for 3 years now. its never easy and it does hurt like hell. it does get easier though. i know now it feels like it never will and that you dont want to be with anyone else - ever, but you just need to take it day by day. focus on you. dont give up!
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Old 09-28-12, 04:40 AM   #6
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I agree with the other posters, 'Kite...

Leaving you hugs

We're here for you.
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