Hello,

I haven't been here for a very long time. I'm sorry that I have not been here to support others during my periods of recovery, and I did not turn to you during my relapses either. I just disappeared.

I have a plan to kill myself, I have not set a date - although yesterday evening I thought it would be a good idea to do it today. I felt differently when I woke up, I have not got all of the elements together in order for my suicide to be a success, and the thought of leaving the house to obtain these things was more than I could bear.
Added to that, in a desperate moment of optimism last week I arranged for a friend to come over tonight for pizza and movies. I will try my best to be sociable and I may have to drink for that to work.
I have this sense of obligation, like I can't break an agreement - not even to do the one thing I am just itching to do, the one thing I can't stop thinking about. I have become obsessed.
I told my best friend but she is not in a good place herself and confessed she had decided to end her life... tomorrow. I am not strong enough to deal with it but I will do my best to get her the support she needs. I think hearing that she has her plan too made my mind go into overdrive last night and that is why I was convinced that today was going to be the day. But obviously I cannot make that decision so abruptly. These things take time and planning and you have to be absolutely sure that it is the only option.

Anyway, I thought I would use this space to try to unravel the mess in my head - to get to the root of why I think suicide is the best option and to see if I can see a different side to it all. Obviously I know there are the usual responses but I can't appreciate somebody else's reasons to live -I want to have my own reasons to live.
I really do want to have reasons to live, because then I would have some sense of satisfaction that I am doing what feels good for all the right reasons. Whereas currently putting in the effort to remain alive seems so counter-intuitive because life is just causing me so much pain and grief.
The pain and grief is not exactly circumstantial though, it is coming FROM me in the first place - all of the reasons my life sucks are pretty much my fault. The things that cause me problems are so deeply ingrained into my character and I don't have the skills to change, nor the access to services and people who could support me in doing that. Regardless of intention I have been consitently sabotaging my own chances of success or happiness throughout my life. I do not believe I can be trusted to function... Unless I can fall submissive to somebody who is going to run my life with my best interests in mind and give me the delicate balance of freedom, structure and stimulation I require to function. But I am 24 and this is reality and in reality I will NOT find a magical adoptive family who is willing to be patient with me and correct all the mistakes of the past.

I am an awful person, I have allowed others to form bonds with me and to become attached when I was never sure I would be able to remain in a position to maintain those relationships. I just befriended those people who I needed in my life and did not think about their position in the wider picture and how my presence in their life could cause potential problems.

I even still hang onto my relationship with my father, albeit by a thread. I spend most of my time ignoring my thoughts of him, but when it comes to the times of year where it is compulsory that one sees their family members, we visit one another and he buys me gifts and I like gifts. I do not like my father very much though, I think he is a strange man from whom I have inherited far too many neuroses - he projected too many complicated ideas onto me before I was old enough to truly understand. Ultimately I was left feeling inadequate in a many ways - as does he I am sure, but this is not something we should be teaching our children.
From my father I have inherited these things: a short fuse, an inability to handle money sensibly, a compulsion to behave above my socioeconomic standing, a grudge against being poor, a problem with authority, always needing to be the best (never being good enough), seriously exaggerating any achievements when in the company of superiors, my contempt for others, crippling fear of failure.

I suppose if we're going to go down the freudian route of parents fucking us up then I'd better consider my mother as well, since she is the most present family member in my life. I have conflicted feelings when I address my mother's position in my life - I understand that the way I am is partly BECAUSE of her, but it very hard to say that and not feel like I am blaming her for everything that is wrong with my life. I don't want to blame my mother, I do sometimes, for certain things, but I feel so incredibly guilty for blaming her.
Well, on my mother's side I have inherited quite a few problems as well, let's start with a big one and go from there: CONTROL ISSUES, body image issues, fear of being alone, obsessive list-making, irrational malicious outbursts, anxiety in many forms, unruly eyebrows (ho-ho!)

SO there's the stuff they projected onto me, now what about the stuff I learned through experience, at home and at school.
I learned that no matter whether you do what you are asked or not something will always upset my mother, I will always upset my mother.
My father taught me that I was ugly, to the point that taking a photograph of me was frustrating. Kids at school confirmed this was the case.
Both of my parents taught me that on the whole accidents are just as bad as deliberate wrongdoing, everything I do is wrong because I always get it wrong.
School taught me that being proud of your achievements is wrong and you can always do better, I am never good enough.
My mother taught me to only show her my drawings when I wanted to know what needed to change - otherwise I would get criticism for something I thought was perfect (psst, you are never good enough)
Your name will come up often in fights between your parents, soon it will be the only word you can hear durnig the screaming matches. You are the reason they fight.
I love you is something that we do not say to each other. It is awkward. I do not remember these words ever being used.
I am... too needy, too slow, not listening, making a mess, getting in the way, asking too many questions, disrupting the class, a smartass, not eating fast enough, not eating properly, too skinny yet too big to sit in anyone's lap, a thumbsucker, a bedwetter, a brat...
I can't be trusted, I can't be trusted to do things properly and I can't be trusted not to make a huge mistake. I can't be trusted not to hurt my baby sister, I can't be trusted to do what I'm asked, can't be trusted to remember important things, can't be trusted to tell the truth... can't be trusted.
I should stop letting my imagination run away with me, I have ridiculous ideas and unrealistic hopes, I cannot be what/where/who/how I like to imagine I could be.

I feel overwhelmed and I haven't even begun to reflect on how these things have a debilitating impact on my life as an adult, coupled with the desperately poor availability of mental health care... my prospects for recovery to the point of leading a fulfilling life is beyond my wildest dreams, it is hysterical. I will post just because I think this alone might be enough for others to offer fresh insight and angles to consider.

Next episode - the physical limitations of adult life and how they restrict my potential for recovery.

I thought that I would begin by quoting these two parts as I can relate to them very strongly.

I too have, during my hard times, brought people into my life who I pretty much knew I'd be unable to keep or to live up to the expectations of. I needed those people at the time, I needed what they gave me. I needed to feel good, to feel interesting, to feel flattered, whatever it may be. When I didn't need those people I moved away from them and often without giving them any notice or reason. I've also thought of myself as monstrous, callous and calculated for doing so.

As for the over spending and being a disaster with finances, I can relate to that one too. I got myself into a long spell of gambling and excessive spending and racked up huge debts. It was a distraction for me. The gambling gave me both excitement and a new form of self destruction. The spending gave me things to feel good about and I felt good about little to nothing otherwise.

Do I forgive myself for everything that I've done? That's a complex question. Can I honestly say that the net result of all my efforts has been happiness? Well that's a definitive no. So how much did I really gain? If I used people it was because I was in pain, a huge amount of pain. Maybe some of those were in pain too, I can't ignore that fact. I'm not saying I know that they were, I'm saying that I didn't take that into account. I didn't take anything into account, I was in survival mode and I was doing what I needed in order to get by. In order to cope with an illness that doesn't come with a handbook and I was doing it all alone. No family support, no friends. I tried to cope in all the wrong ways. I forgive myself for that part at least, even if not for some of the actions.

I don't think that you are evil or horrible, any more than I think I am either of those things. You have tried to cope on your own, in isolation, with no instruction. What chance did you have to get it right every time or even the majority of the time? Depression can be overwhelming. When you are in utter, soul crushing misery every waking hour then how much resource is left to think about someone else? For most of us the answer is 'very little'. Depression is inherently selfish in that there is only enough energy for the self and there's barely any of that either. Depression is not willingly selfish, not in the vast majority of cases.

You've formed too many opinions of yourself, and understandibly so, based on a non supportive group of people. Your family, your peers, etc. I wonder how much that might change, or at least COULD change, when you break free of those people. My family never made me feel very good about myself. Whether intentionally or otherwise, that was the overall feeling. During most of my hard times they were overseas. I was on my own, I coped (or didn't cope) on my own. This was from my teens to adulthood.

Now that I have my own place, and have done for a long time, I don't seek them out. I see them very sparingly. The reason being that I don't need to feel how I feel when I'm around them for too long. I have choice now, I can avoid that situation. One day you will be free of such negative influences on your self esteem and you might just be able to form your own opinions about yourself that aren't tainted with poison. That in itself is something to hold out for.

These are just my initial thoughts, I will write more when I've read your post another couple of times

I guess that is a better and more honest way of looking at it, I still feel so guilty for not putting in the effort to maintain relationships when they no longer suit me. I have friends I see periodically and they remain loyal to me in my absence, however I still feel guilty because I have become a part of these people's lives and they are yet another group of people who will hurt when I die, even more so if when I die happens to be because I kill myself. I would like to learn kindness and I would like to be able to be kind towards myself... I think that would be amazing. I don't know if I believe it can be done though.

I think this is very true, I can definitely understand how my beliefs were formed in a very negative environment and how they do not serve much purpose out in the real world. Nonetheless they are such strong beliefs, they are essentially WHO I am, they are very fundamental to my personality and I am so worried that I cannot manage to let them go because once they are not there then none of ME is left. Not that I enjoy being this negative person, but I can't imagine beng anybody else. I would love to have better opinions of myself and more confidence in my choices, I wonder how long it would take to teach myself though, I wonder if I can hold on for that long.


I'm so sorry to sound perpetually negative, to take the positive and smother it with negative. I feel like no matter how insigtful or thoughtful my responses are, they read like <angst>It'll never get better because nothing ever gets better, god you don't understand me</angst> I feel this is how I am percieved by those trying to help me in real life, even when I am being open about my thoughts and feelings, they are discouraged by how negative I am and due to this they do not believe I am a willing participant in the treatment.

Today is Tuesday, I have called my bestie and she is still asleep (she answers the phone in her sleep and it is adorable) so I have some time before I call again to check up on her. If I am not satisfied she is safe then It will take me 15 minutes to get there. I will take a change of clothes in case we have to go to the hospital and stay overnight. I do not trust others to take this seriously enough so I am going to step in and do what is necessary and once she is safe I will take tranquilisers and sleep.
I think she told me about her plan to kill herself today because she thought I would respect her right to have a choice, however I know that I cannot morally allow her to die.... I think there could even be legal complications to that situation as well.

Anyway, we have a while until I call her again, so let's talk about life's restrictions and....... what the fuck, there is some dickhead outside with a pneumatic drill......... it is not even 9am.
Ugh, life's restrictions, here we go...

Financial restrictions - currently I am only qualified for entry level jobs, minimum wage jobs and basic menial tasks. I was unemployed for a year after graduating and finally got offered a full time, minimum wage, trainee position, with a period of 18 months probation pending me becoming skilled enough to continue working in that role. So my current financial situation is "coping, but no spare money". Now, I am living within my means - my partner and I both have full time low paid jobs and together our income covers our expenses - including paying back our debts. I am currently off work 'sick' with depression and anxiety - I am receiving my full pay but that will not last forever and the legal minimum they have to pay me is £80 per week (98 EUR, 128 USD).
On average my half of the weekly expenditure is £100 before food, debt repayment and luxuries, £100 for the basics like rent, electricity, gas, water, tv license, council tax, phone bill, internet... ok take internet and phone away and that is less than £10 a week reduction, I am still over budget.
Because my partner works full time and earns marginally over the amount which entitles you to financial support from the government, we would get no council tax reduction or housing benefit contribution, nor would I be eligible to claim jobseekers allowance if I lose my job. I have not been alive long enough to have paid enough national insurance to get contribution-based benefits. We are under 25 so we do not get working tax credits either. Even if we were eligible for and housing benefit, the Local Housing Allowance is £400 per calendar month for a one bedroom property - in this city you cannot find a one bedroom property for under £500 per calendar month.We are a full time employed unmarried childless couple under the age of 25, we do not get enough points to get onto a list for affordable housing.
I have tried so hard and looked into every option and found nothing but dead ends and closed doors and "you are not eligible for this opportunity".
I got my hopes up when I learned about Employment and Support Allowance, which is for people who have become unable to work due to illness, it offers financial support but more importantly it offers support in getting back into employment, it offers sessions with staff who help you learn skills and qualifications, and they help you find jobs which are suited to you, with employers who give more consideration to chronic illnesses such as depression.
I am not eligible because my partner works full time.
I am not sick enough for disability allowance - but I'm really worried I'm heading towards being that ill.

Oh surely I'm qualified for something, surely in all these years I must have been to school, why don't I go to university and get a degree?
Yeah, I have a degree. In art. Yes, I loaned £18,000 (interest free but will go up with the rate of inflation) from the government to study art for 3 years. I am not even earning enough for them to ask me to start paying it back yet. And a career in illustration is not easy, it takes 5 years hard work to build a post-graduation portfolio good enough for agencies to look at, in the meantime you need the time and finances to support yourself as a micro-business. Oh, you also need to be able to function at quite a high level - like, don't be so mental that having a bath is difficult.

And the qualification before my degree? also in art.

So the last non-art based qualifications I gained were at the age of 16.

You get one chance at free GCSEs, once you have passed enough you don't get to do anymore for free.
You get one chance at free further education, between the ages of 16 and 19. after that it becomes quite expensive.
You get one loan from the government to study at university.
Once you have used all of these chances, if you want any more academic qualifications you have to find the money to pay for it yourself.

I have wasted these opportunities because I thought "art is my favourite" when I was 16.

Whose idea was it to trust 16-year-old me with knowing what I wanted for the future?! What I want is a job that is challenging but not stressful, stimulating but it doesn't have to be super exciting. I want a regular routine, around wich I can build my life. I want to be healthy. I want to maintain healthy relationships with other people. I want a lifelong partner. I want to enjoy myself and I want to consider the possibility of looking after kids, whether are part of my job, or a real baby grown inside my womb or are a foster child, I don't care, just nurturing a child would be wonderful.
Due to my struggle with mental illness and my inquisitive mind and interest in science - I would be very interested in following a route in psychology to find my ideal job. (Oh wait, my qualifications are in art... fuck.)

All of these things seem so... alien, so opposite of anything within my grasp, so out of place with my forseeable future. I think I'm dreaming big and falling short of my expectations again. This is a big habit of mine, it causes perpetual disappointment and reinforces the view that I am not good enough. But I am never good enough, because what I want is always so fantastical that I will never achieve it, but I often set myself unobtainable goals.

It's like I promise myself the world and then I just get so disappointed when reality opens my eyes and whispers in my ear "you didn't really think you could have all that did you?"

My partner doesn't understand, he has issues with guilt which he is not willing to address and so he thinks people should not want so much and should just be happy with what they have, wanting things is bad, wanting things is greedy. He also has high levels of anxiety, which seemingly emanate off him and turn the surrounding area into a dense cloud of worry. I can't be around him when he is anxious so I do what I can to make the situation more calming for him, take a couple of diazepam, and then retreat to the bedroom and try not to hyperventilate.
He has issues with mess, disorganised clutter (organised clutter is fine), neatness, dirt, dust, excessivly vigilant bodily hygeine and an inability to throw things away.
I say that if he were to see a doctor about his anxiety he would probably end up with a diagnosis of OCD. He says OCD can only be diagnosed when the person displaying the symptoms admits it is causing them to suffer and is affecting their quality of life and ability to function. I raise my eybrows and say "well isn't it? because it's affecting me!"
And then we have an argument.
And then I get the silent treatment, because I go too far and get hysterical because when I get upset and confront the cause of my distress to no avail... I go full blown crazy-lady and start to sound like my mum. ("You don't care about me, I could kill myself and you wouldn't care, all you care about is whether things are dusty or not!") If performed in a certain way it would be fantastic material for a comedy.
So we have communication issues in our relationship, and I'm not quite sure how to work through them... I'm sure there is a solution but I'm not sure He thinks there is as much of a problem as I do, and thus when I try to sensitively approach a discussion about it, he takes it as a personal slight, becomes anxious about his worthiness to be with me and shuts off. Then descends the cloud of anxiety and I have to get away - which probably is seen as rejection from his side regardless of my efforts to justify my behaviour.

I think everybody thinks I am selfish, like I expect special treatment because of my depression. But isn't that something that you just NEED when you are depressed? Oh but asking for it makes me feel so demanding, attention seeking, guilty, shameful.

My bestie has way worse problems than me (and gets a greater level of support from the system, both support and money-wise) and she has significantly more justifiable reasons for wondering if there is a way out of the pain than suicide, she has PTSD that went untreated for a very long time, thus spawning many associated disorders and symptoms, and it will take a long time for her to recover.

I know comparing yourself to others is not healthy, but I just think that she has been through so much and I have not and she is kind of justified in feeling the way she does. I don't think it is reasonable that I be such a mess when there is no reason for it. I appear normal to most people, I have a normal background, everything has been relatively normal. So why have I hated myself since I was 11? What is going on there? When did I turn into such a mess? What happened?

Basically I am not full blown crazy so I don't get loads of help to 'rehabilitate' me. But I am too crazy to function in the real world: my thought patterns are so flawed I unconsciously sabotage my own success, my coping mechanisms are maladaptive, my outlook is bleak, and I respond to percieved stress by having violent relapses.

So what does a girl do when she's caught in limbo, being buffeted back and forth between general practitioners and mental health coordinators and never breaking through the subcutaneous layer of the mental health services?
What do you do when you are ignored every time you ask to see a psychiatrist?
What do you do every time you get an evasive non-answer when you ask about what extra support is available to you?
What do you do when you are in a waiting list for counselling but you don't know how long the waiting list is?
What do you do when, regardless of your persistance, your emotional regulation group won't call you back to schedule a time for you to rejoin?
What do you do when your doctor says things like "I'm not surprised, people in your situation are likely to know the minimum lethal dose of various substances."?
What do you do when you are discouraged from going to the drop-in sessions at your local support centre because they think you are not strong enough to be around the "chaotic personalities" that regularly visit?
What do you do when you suggest buspirone to a GP as a non-sedative, non habit forming anxiolytic they say "I don't know anything about Buspirone, I think it's American."?
What do you do when you try your hardest to catalyse some kind of change in who you are and what life means to you but all your attempts are in vain?
What do you do when you run out of options...?

I just don't know if I am strong enough to wait until someting gets better.

Hi Paraffin. I don't have anything to offer other than that I am thinking of you and I truly hope things get better for you soon