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This is a discussion on Christianity within the Suicide forums, part of the Suicide Forums category; My father's parents were fundamentalist protestants, my mother's father an extremist catholic (my mother's mother died long before I was ...

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Old 12-18-16, 12:07 PM   #1
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My father's parents were fundamentalist protestants, my mother's father an extremist catholic (my mother's mother died long before I was born). I wish I'd never met them. But I did. I loved them. I've watched them destroy themselves, living lives of agony in the name of Christ. Instead of sleeping, reading the Bible crying and self-reproaching early in the morning. Every morning, for decades. Or condemning whatever the catholic church disliked as sin. Obeying whatever some cleric bastard told them. Believing that any joy would make them go to hell.

They taught me to believe. Thinking they were doing it for my soul. Taught me about all this crap about guilt and all that shit. I loved them, and they loved me. But their greatest belief was Christ, and so they believed their love required making sure I believed the same. Making sure I felt guilt about anything I did.

Their love meant passing over the self-destruction and misery to me. I love them for wanting the best for me, but I hate them for trying to infect me with this sickness. I can't blame them, they were indoctrinated. But it's not easy to accept.

I cannot rest until this pestilence is purged. But I know it won't. Thankfully there's one way to get rid of this horrible disease once and for all. Thank God for that.
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Old 12-18-16, 02:17 PM   #2
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You sound like you are feeling pretty bad. Do you want to talk about the constructive things you are doing that can help lift you beyond the negative processes you were taught? I know it is hard to retrain your mind. Thinking something positive, believing in your light and your fundamental right to be well in yourself isn't easy. Calling it quits on life might sound like the only answer or the quickest answer. My life started in a place kind of like yours and my journey out of the self destroying hole I walked out of as a young person took time. I had to learn a lot on the way. I even tried the option of going out in the cold to the snowy woods and getting colder and colder... I told myself many of the same things you may be telling yourself, and I let the cold creep into me and through me and waited until I'd stopped feeling it. Somewhere in the back of my mind a little voice told me that I had to get up and that I had to go back. It wasn't the voice of a family member or a friend. It was just a voice. I chose not to do that as I sat there in the snow, in the end, with some lasting frostbite damage to my hands.

I don't know much about your circumstances- are you living outside of your parents home, do you have a support network where you are, etc.

You do not live a life to be only in pain and to push away all traces of wellness or happiness. You are worth far more then that.
We have to become creative problem solvers, not just tolerant burden barers.

Last edited by hottea654; 12-18-16 at 02:19 PM.
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Old 12-24-16, 06:16 PM   #3
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Thanks for your reply. I like to believe this doesn't bother me that much anymore. I've grown beyond this crap. It still bothers me, but I moved on. Thankfully my parents were already damaged enough by this rubbish to not do the same.

But it is moot in the end. Christianity means nothing, as does my life. I've made my decision. I've tried a few times over the years before, and my only regret is that I didn't succeed. I must succeed next time.

I hope they're wrong. I hope there's nothing afterwards. Eternal nothingness is the only hope I have.
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