Voices are telling me to kill myself.

[Hootspa]

i have lost a lot of weight, i think. i can see my ribs, and my stomach has that washboard look, except i'm in my 40s. i am not an olympic athelete.

i can't eat because i'm depressed.
i sit at home, in bed, in the dark with the phone turned off.
i have multiple personalities and for whatever reason, they feel worse, meaning i can't control when one of them comes out. i don't want to scare people or alarm them, and i don't want people to be afraid of me or call me crazy. so i hide out in my apartment because i don't know how to explain my multiple personalities to people. what can i say when i suddenly blink and then start to swing my legs and twirl my hair like a four year old? what do i say when i start to disrobe and wink at the guy sitting next to me, who i don't know? because it happens exactly like that. i change in an instant. i change quickly. i'm changing all the time. i'm trying not to fuck strangers because i want to take care of this body. i don't want to put it in danger by opening it to disease and violence. the flashbacks have me bursting into loud sobs.
i can't be sitting on the bus, and suddenly start howling.
my mom is sick and that could be a reason why my mental status is deteriorating. my finances are in question and that could be another reason. i feel out of control. i feel lost. i feel alone. i feel angry that i have to be this way, that my mom and dad chose to rape and torture me and now i am stuck iwth this damn DID(dissociative identity disorder, or multiple personality). on top of it all, i've got fibromyaliga too. that's chronic pain and chronic fatigue. my fibromyalgia comes with irritable bowel syndrome, diarrhea and contstipation, it comes with stomch pains and chills, it comes with flu like symptoms of feverish and general ill feeling, achey muscles, pained joints, stiffness. i feel like a 100 year old woman. the fibromyalgia alone makes me want to kill myself. i have this stubborn low self esteem and keep returning to self hatred, as childhood abuse often makes it's adult victims do. my family is not around, i don't hear from them ever.

i feel like i'm just waiting to die. a friend of mine told me i looked sickly. thin and ill. i feel terrible. i was hearing voices yesterday. i thought i was talking to the devil, and then to angels. i look outside and it's light or it's dark and i missed the changeover. i am not paying attention to anything outside my own little world. because i am in deep despair. when i get like this, i don't want to talk to anyone because it's too risky. i get afraid to be hurt. i don't want someone to say i'm lying or making it up. i don't want someone to say anthing but "I love you" and give me a hug. any other answer someone gives is the wrong answer. i am too fragile right now. very very fragile.

[celery]

Hootspa

We care about you...

I'm quite concerned about you looking sickly... Have you seen a doctor about that?
Please let us know,okay?

[PrairieDawn]

Hootspa

I care too.

I'm glad you have a friend there who cares about you.

What does your therapist have to say?

[ASadWhore]

What do you say? You say nothing! You dont have to apologize for being sick and the people that judges you without even knowing what you've been thru are assholes, you don't pay any kind of attention to them.
Try to stay healthy, in all ways possible, treat yourself to a fancy dinner every now and then, don't remain hidden you are not a monster, you are an incredibly strong woman, and many could beneffit from hearing all the shit you've been thru and youre still here , why don't you look into that nowadays there are groups for everything, you can ask your doctor.
Don't beat yourself, you are not to blame for your condition, after all this you dont desserve to be feared yo desserve to be admired

[andrewmcspandrew]

Hey Hootspa,

It's actually really hard for me to say this: but I can really relate to what you're experiencing. I've never been diagnosed with DID but when I was a kid I am about 99% that's what was going on. I can remember coming to at times, suddenly aware of where I was and not knowing how I got there. Sometimes I'd lost months. I still believe that somehow someone else was in control, doing the talking while the 'me' part of me was somewhere safer.

I guess at some point I somehow start integrating things maybe? I had pretty intense voices in my head for years that are still there, but have slowly but surely lost their sense of 'otherness.' I can't really talk about it much- it still scares me intensely.

I guess I just said that because, aside from the compelling urge to get it out there, I wanted you to know that it's not just you. There are a whole bunch of people who have other people inside their heads. I'm not trying to diminish your experience at all, just trying to say you're not alone.

Would it be useful for you to maybe connect up with others with DID? I'm thinking maybe support groups and suchlike? It's really easy to see the rest of the world as 'normal' and yourself as totally not, so maybe?

People's reactions in public must really suck. I have moments of strangeness too that make people stare at me. I talk to myself sometimes and kind of struggle not to other times. Sometimes I start singing cos I'm happy. Mostly I look pretty normal, though I think. That's absolutely nothing compared to what you have to deal with of course.

I just had a thought: Where I live there seem to be a significant number of people who look 'strange.' Today I walked past this guy who was having a hell-for-leather argument with himself at the top of his lungs. I think I might have smiled at him, I dunno. He probably didn't notice either way.

But I wasn't judging him, I wasn't thinking he was strange. Unusual, yes. I actually like having people like that around. Not so it makes me feel more normal, it doesn't. But just cos I know how hard it is keeping up a front and I feel lucky living in a place where some people feel free enough (and brave enough?) to just be themselves.