i have lost a lot of weight, i think. i can see my ribs, and my stomach has that washboard look, except i'm in my 40s. i am not an olympic athelete.
i can't eat because i'm depressed.
i sit at home, in bed, in the dark with the phone turned off.
i have multiple personalities and for whatever reason, they feel worse, meaning i can't control when one of them comes out. i don't want to scare people or alarm them, and i don't want people to be afraid of me or call me crazy. so i hide out in my apartment because i don't know how to explain my multiple personalities to people. what can i say when i suddenly blink and then start to swing my legs and twirl my hair like a four year old? what do i say when i start to disrobe and wink at the guy sitting next to me, who i don't know? because it happens exactly like that. i change in an instant. i change quickly. i'm changing all the time. i'm trying not to fuck strangers because i want to take care of this body. i don't want to put it in danger by opening it to disease and violence. the flashbacks have me bursting into loud sobs.
i can't be sitting on the bus, and suddenly start howling.
my mom is sick and that could be a reason why my mental status is deteriorating. my finances are in question and that could be another reason. i feel out of control. i feel lost. i feel alone. i feel angry that i have to be this way, that my mom and dad chose to rape and torture me and now i am stuck iwth this damn DID(dissociative identity disorder, or multiple personality). on top of it all, i've got fibromyaliga too. that's chronic pain and chronic fatigue. my fibromyalgia comes with irritable bowel syndrome, diarrhea and contstipation, it comes with stomch pains and chills, it comes with flu like symptoms of feverish and general ill feeling, achey muscles, pained joints, stiffness. i feel like a 100 year old woman. the fibromyalgia alone makes me want to kill myself. i have this stubborn low self esteem and keep returning to self hatred, as childhood abuse often makes it's adult victims do. my family is not around, i don't hear from them ever.
i feel like i'm just waiting to die. a friend of mine told me i looked sickly. thin and ill. i feel terrible. i was hearing voices yesterday. i thought i was talking to the devil, and then to angels. i look outside and it's light or it's dark and i missed the changeover. i am not paying attention to anything outside my own little world. because i am in deep despair. when i get like this, i don't want to talk to anyone because it's too risky. i get afraid to be hurt. i don't want someone to say i'm lying or making it up. i don't want someone to say anthing but "I love you" and give me a hug. any other answer someone gives is the wrong answer. i am too fragile right now. very very fragile.