No way out (a vent)

Eraserhead · 07-20-2010, 12:40 PM

I want to kill myself. Quite a bit. Discounting past bouts, I've felt this way fairly consistently over the past week-and-a-half or so. A few days ago I even picked a method and began an attempt. A few days before that, I plannned another attempt, but there were too many people around to try it and the whole thing kind of fell over in the wind.

People say it would hurt my family, but that only makes me want to do it more. The ones it would directly affect, I would be glad to hurt in some way. In fact, it makes me want to pick an especially messy method just for them. No, thinking about my family does nothing to deter me.

The only reason I am still alive is my girlfriend, because she has told me how much that would mess her up if I went ahead and jumped ship. I love her more than anything in the world and wouldn't want to do anything that could hurt her, but at the same time, I would be lying if I said I didn't somewhat resent this because it makes me feel as if there is truly no way out. I feel extremely conflicted.

TooMuch · 07-21-2010, 08:57 AM

Did anything happen to you a week and half ago, to start these suicidal feelings? Anything specific? Does talking to your girlfriend help you out any?

Eraserhead · 07-21-2010, 12:17 PM

Yes - a move that resulted in us staying in the same town (which I hate) but with even less options for transportation, leaving me a lot less independent. I hate it for some other reasons as well, but that's primarily it.

It's complicated... talking to her can help, but not always... we're both in similar bad situations and are both completely without independence in any form. Sometimes it just reminds me of how badly I've failed in my own situation (though granted, just about anything can remind me of that.)

TooMuch · 07-21-2010, 02:58 PM

You can't move somewhere better for you?

Eraserhead · 07-21-2010, 03:04 PM

I can't move at all, because despite being 18, I have all the independence and personal resources of a 13-year-old. We can't move somewhere better because my mom is awful with money and couldn't afford anything outside of this same disgusting hick town.

TooMuch · 07-22-2010, 08:50 AM

I hate small towns so I can understand. I can't live in a remote area again or ever. I would go crazy I think if I lived in a small town. I need to be in a bigger city. Need to have some excitement around me, need some opportunities.

Is there any other family you could move in with that live in a more suitable place for you? Aunts, uncles or cousins or something? Just an idea!

I just hate small towns so much, I just couldn't do it, it's not for me.

Eraserhead · 07-22-2010, 09:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TooMuch

Is there any other family you could move in with that live in a more suitable place for you? Aunts, uncles or cousins or something? Just an idea!

I've considered that, but the short answer is "no." I'm pretty firmly stuck here

TooMuch · 07-22-2010, 05:16 PM

Well, that's crappy then. I prefer to see you in a more exciting, progressive environment with more opportunities. You're young should have more to look forward too. Have you ever discussed this with your mom. Maybe you could convince her to try somewhere different too. Not sure. Just an idea.

Eraserhead · 07-22-2010, 06:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TooMuch

Well, that's crappy then. I prefer to see you in a more exciting, progressive environment with more opportunities. You're young should have more to look forward too.

Thanks

Quote:

Have you ever discussed this with your mom. Maybe you could convince her to try somewhere different too. Not sure. Just an idea.

I've discussed it with her quite a bit. She doesn't seem to grasp what is so important and upsetting to me about this (and how could she, she had a car provided for her at 16 and a group of friends to fall back on, whereas my only contact with the outside world, on the internet as well as real life, other than this forum, is my girlfriend, who is in pretty much the exact same predicament as I am, thus no transportation or independence with her either.)
I've tried to spell it out for her but she just views it as pouting/whining and seems to think that what upsets me isn't the principle of having no independence of my own long past the time most people have accumulated quite a bit, but just laziness and not wanting to live further away and have to go to more complicated measures to get to the bigger city in the instances where I have to go there.
She insists that she couldn't afford anything outside of this town, but the topic of money priorities is a whole other rant for a different time.

TooMuch · 07-23-2010, 08:15 AM

Jeez, I understand how important it is for you, believe me I know. She doesn't sound supportive but I think she might have alot of her own issues. It's too bad that she doesn't see this as an opportunity for you. I just feel that this is holding you back.

So, if you're going to stay where you are, then I think you're going to have to try to make the best of the situation that you're in. Maybe somehow create your own opportunities. Anything you can do to make the situation better or improve on things? Or at least make it more bearable.