warning guys, this is a pretty hefty post
So last time I was really on here I was at my worst.
A two-year relationship which was clearly the worst mistake of my life (looking back) had ended, and although I hated the situation the relationship was in (a fairly long story, pretty sure I made a thread about it before) I loved my girlfriend. I did, I adored her.
But she was a nasty cheater, so things ended.
For a few months after that I sunk so low that suicide was a daily, if not hourly thought for me. Getting out of bed was almost impossible some days, other days I wouldn't sleep a wink.
My eating habits became erratic, sometimes I'd be eating and snacking all day (but would feel constantly sick and often be sick) and other times I could easily not eat for days on end.
I was attending therapy and was on a high dose of some antidepressant I can't remember the name of, but neither helped. I was so used to pretending to be 'okay' that I did it with my therapist and doctor too, so they began taking me off the pills and lessening my hours until I was on my own. (I know- my own fault, but I'm glad now that I can function without pills)
I tried to take my life several times. But each time I began thinking of my family and what it would do to them and I just couldn't go through with the guilt.
So I existed. I fossilised. I tried to go to work but it was such a stressful job it made things so much worse. My eczema became so bad that moving would crack my skin and I'd have to change my bedsheets daily as I'd bleed all over them tossing and turning while trying to sleep.
All throughout this my ex and I kept going back to each other. We'd meet up after weeks of not talking and be distant at first but all too quickly revert back to snuggling and holding hands and good grief it tore me apart.
I began cutting like a trooper and didn't know what to do with myself.
I began drinking heavily every night.
And then it happened. I was raped.
I fell pregnant but miscarried not long into it.
And then a week after that happened, my ex- who had still been acting like she had before- told me she was pregnant. On the same day I told her about what had happened to me.
I hit the bottle so hard that night I didn't wake up for two days.
But if anything, that was what really started my recovery.
Something horrific had happened but I was alive. I had my health (albeit no thanks to alcohol) and I'd be damned if I wasn't going to get my sanity back somehow.
Plus the hurt I felt when my ex told me she was pregnant was healthy. I no longer wanted to hold her and kiss her. I didn't want to see her.
So I blocked her in every way possible and began to move on.
I slowly got back in touch with my friends, turns out they were there all along and were just waiting to hear from me.
I got a new job, just as stressful as the last one, 4.30 am starts every day, but it got me up. It got me earning money. I began exercising. I began eating healthier.
My weight became stable and I found it easier to sleep at night.
I cut down from 20+ cigs a day to 10, I'd still rather quit but for now it's a good thing.
A few months down the line I left the job, as my boss was asking far too much from someone who already worked 7 days a week and had to drive 45 mins to get there.
And now I have a new job, one close to home with a boss and colleagues I really get along with. It's fun, rewarding and I feel respected.
I'm closer to my family and friends than I ever have been.
I'm not over depression, not my a long shot.
Sometimes I can feel the old thought processes seeping back into my head but for now I'm alright.
For now, I'm beating depression down with a healthy life and a job and friends and family.
Life isn't easy, but it's worth fighting through the bad days to ensure you have good ones too.
You can do it too, guys. I believe in you.
props to anyone who recognises the title, too