Hello folks. I visited this site and posted a few things maybe a year or so back while I was in the heat of depression. I had an awful time dealing with myself and I was in the midst of a horrible and recurring existential crisis. It was bad, but the worst was yet to come. I had lived with bipolar disorder since I was in middle school. It was never readily apparent at school as I wore a mask and I lived behind that mask and made sure that no one ever looked in. So I closed myself off and only spoke with my closest friend. That continued until I graduated high school.
At that point, my depression was starting to come on stronger than ever as the stress of school and continuously failed relationships began setting off the triggers of self doubt and loathing. While it hurts incredibly so when others look down on you, the real pain is when you begin looking down on yourself. My third year in college was when I finally hit my breaking point. I began working a job I had no business in (despite it correlating perfectly with my chosen major) but the politics of it all coupled with horrid management and the added stress brought me down into the deepest depths I had ever known. I stopped going to school and watched as my near perfect 3.6 gpa dropped to a saddening 2.5. On top of that, I was fired from my job for coming in to work late (due to insomnia and lack of sleep) or downright refusing to drive 45 minutes or more to different work cites which I never signed up for. I had never been fired in my life. It was a major blow to the little pride I had left. That pride that said, "No matter what is going on in my life at least I'm a hard worker."
It was at that point that I snapped. Immediately after being fired, without hesitation I made an attempt on my own life. I won't go into any more detail than that as it's unimportant. But I got lucky. Real lucky. I woke up and survived. For the following months I had huge support from my family, despite my constant mood swings and heavy bouts of depression.
It was at that point of having no money, being in heavy financial dept and all together ruining my life that I decided it was time for a change. I made that decision as we all must do. YOU have to make the decision that life is worth living and I hope that decision doesn't hit you in the face as hard and painfully as it hit me. Whether it was God, nature, the universe or some supernatural force that human beings can't comprehend, it smacked me in the face and punched me in the gut and told me to wake the fuck up and enjoy what I have. What do I have? I have nieces and a nephew who love me to death. To think that I'd never be able to watch them grow up or spend more time with them. I have family who love me unendingly. I have hobbies such as writing, video games and playing the guitar. While it's true that one day my life will end, as all of ours will, there's no reason why I can't enjoy that time while I have it. I hope one day I'll have a family and if I don't then I don't. But I'll never know until I ride the timeline of my life.
Please ride that timeline. Live in the now with no expectation of what tomorrow will bring. Your time now and what you do with it is what defines you.
It's ok to be depressed or to have a mental illness. It's ok! Your illness does not define you. Mental illness and depression is an infliction of the brain. But it doesn't change who you are, even if it does affect your outward appearance. You know you are special and there is no one like you. It's true.
So I learned from my mistakes. I'm still carrying my gpa around with me and I'm still carrying around my debt, but no longer are those my burdens. They're just mistakes that I'll never make again. You have to learn to accept your mistakes because you are human and learn from them. Mistakes, at least for me, are my triggers. So I learned to accept them and learn from them.
With the right medication (please consult your doctor if you are experiencing depression. They have doctorates, meaning they've done their homework) you might even find that your moods have stabilized. Give it time, and if you feel better keep taking them and if you don't feel better keep consulting your doctor. They won't steer you wrong. If you don't like your doctor get a new one. After all, if you had cancer you'd want to see a doctor, right?
I won't go into too much detail into why my life is going so right for the time being other than I learned to cherish others more than myself. I give what little I have to give financially, but more importantly I've learned to find one good thing I like about random people I meet at work and I complement them on it. Some don't know how to take compliments and will reject your gifts of sincerity, but most of the time you'll brighten that person's day. That's the biggest gift you can give and I promise you that you'll feel so much better when you stop focusing on your problems and every one else's problems and just do for others, even if's it just a simple smile. If you believe in karma as I do, only good things can happen to you if you do good things. Just by truly cherishing others I've become the top salesman at my new job (in my first month!!!). I never steer any one wrong and I never push anything on any one that I believe they can live without. I'd like to think my karma is finally in check.
Good luck everyone and it feels great to be back on here with a positive new outlook on life. If I may leave you with one quote from my favorite author and a man I respect greatly, "so it goes".
Life sometimes sucks, but its ok because life moves on anyways. No matter where you are or what happens to you life keeps going. Follow that timeline. See what happens.