but depression never leaves you.
sometimes i have to go back to that place because i miss being depressed. my emotions were unreal and overwhelming and i think that has made me a more considerate person over time, but i just remember feeling very comfortable with nothing, and i don't know how i dealt with that. but i was probably being forced to.
sometimes i have to take a break from my life, and listen to some sad music and just cry constantly.
emotions that strong just don't leave your brain very easily. but i think i've became to love those emotions. they remind me of a place i once was that was so pure and undeniable.
staying in the hospital helped me, both times i was there, but only because i was around people i could relate with, and make friends with. i had some of the most unforgettable times of my life there, but it was just people that made me forget. i got sent out because i was too happy, then i got home and i was so sad i wasn't there any more. and i got instantly depressed again.
i didn't stay long the second time, there was new people there, they were nice, but i just couldn't take the boredom any more, and the excitement had gone.
even now in my life i can't express more how important having the right people around you is, for you to come out of your depression. you're probably in depression because of people, although you might not think that now.
i'd tried everything the doctors gave me.
i never found a treatment under the class of depression treatments that worked in any way for me. so i either wasted my life like this, bedridden and unable to talk to people, or i did something to help myself and take a risk.
i cheated the drug and alcohol services into thinking i was a drug addict so they could give me drugs. that was two years ago.
i came close to killing myself when depressed, but i actually got brought back to life in hospital 3 times.
i should have just been content with not being depressed, but i liked the high too much, i think, and i look back and think that was so stupid.
although drugs worked for me then, its not what works for me now. it was a quick cure but to have a life you need a cure much more substantial to drugs.
you might think love is useless right now, but if you've lost someone, then find someone else. of find friends. but find wholehearted love if possible because that seems to cure everything for me now. and when i think back to when i was depressed, i wasn't in love.
love is all i live for now. my partner.
but if you can't find love, find lots of friends that love you.
anyway i know the worst of depression can be beaten. it is cured with the right treatment.
you have to help yourself. and that gets easier when things start working again. its not an effort at all now for me. its just natural to feel happy. all day i'm happy. but sometimes i can't help remembering where i was. it was such a beautiful place, but somewhere i'm not able to relate with among anyone i know. nobody understands it. people get depressed, but i don't think they understand what real depression is.
i hope you find what makes you happy. it is there if you look hard enough. its always there.