sculpted into trash. long story.
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sculpted into trash. long story.

This is a discussion on sculpted into trash. long story. within the Sexual Abuse forums, part of the Mental and Physical Health category; long story just venting i guess, but maybe it'll help. when i was young, five years old, my mother was ...

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Old 08-01-16, 01:38 AM   #1
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long story just venting i guess, but maybe it'll help.
when i was young, five years old, my mother was caught molesting me after i gave details about someone "in her head" "playing with me" inappropriately to my counselor, my family was going through a divorce at the time.. my mother was quickly taken away from me for psychiatric help and i was placed in more therapy. sometime later my dad remarried, my step sister who was 8 years old began "playing with me" and teaching me sexual things, i soon found out she and i guess a few others learned it from my step moms friend, who then also showed me some things, convincing me it was a game, but i knew it had to be secret. but i would show other kids, most way younger than me, then when i was 8 years old i was sent to a psychiatric detention facility for "sexual misconduct" i guess some staff thought that made me an easy target for abuse, i was there being mistreated for a couple months.my dad divorced and remarried a few years later. i was still in therapy for a while, but was also sexually abused by a therapist when i was 11.. my inappropriate behavior continued till i was 13, and i dont remember ever thinking or knowing it was wrong, i was brain washed..then i was expelled from school and sent to a boarding school type place for young sex offenders, i was a good kid who was just screwed up by abuse, but the kids in that place were evil, i was sexually abused almost daily for 9 months, and the staff would beat all of us it was then when i realized i was wrong.. but i still had attractions to children, thats when the self loathing started, i got into drugs but psychedelics brought more memories and more desires, soon the thoughts became impulsive and began to haunt me, and the desires would make me sick i would harm myself or do more drugs, and i would also go after older men who would be willing to abuse me.. i dont know why and would always feel ashamed. i soon discovered animated child pornography and impulsively watch.. i began to hate myself even more.. then when i was 19 my mother found me on Facebook and we agreed to meet, turned out she was into drugs too, we'd hang out and get high together til one day on drugs i let her preform a sex act on me.. i still hang out with her and i still do drugs and i dont feel much controll for myself..im feeling very hopeless and guilty. i cant stand the person ive become, it makes me sick and angry that this could happen to me. and with all the horible abuse it makes no sense that i would still be attracted to kids after all these years. but i would never act on it again i know its wrong now and i hate myself for even thinking about it. the shame is becoming too much. nowadays im in and out of mental hospitals and ER rooms trying desperately to find a cure. but its just getting harder. like i said long story, this is probably gonna be my life forever... dissociating into a sick pedophile and receiving sex acts from my mom. i cant live with my self or the desires and memories anymore...
that was just the half of it.

Last edited by Legolas; 08-02-16 at 08:50 PM.
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Old 08-01-16, 01:42 AM   #2
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im trash now, i haven't left the house in years because of anxiety. and im ugly with scars. some of the damage from my self harm was so bad i almost died.. plus if i were to ever make friends the secrets would kill me, and i dont think i deserve anything anyway. im just trash and thats all i ever was.. ive had no life, no childhood, nothing but sick thoughts, ptsd and shame.

Last edited by Legolas; 08-02-16 at 08:52 PM.
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Old 08-14-16, 11:51 AM   #3
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Hey, that's quite a lot you've been through. It's really unfair you've gone through that kind of abuse, and I'm sorry your parents are incompetent.

You can cover your scars with long sleeves, and it's also possible to find people that can accept the fact that you've self-harmed. I recommend turning to the net to find some meaningful relationships- I have made some great friends who accept me even though I'm a pedo/lolicon (I don't act on those desires in real life though), and I'm sure it's possible for you to find great people as well.

If being in sexual relations with your mother disgusts you, you should probably try to stop it. If you become comfortable with it, and don't feel badly of yourself for doing so, then I don't really see what's wrong with continuing that. However as far as the drugs are concerned, I think it can be a very bad for your mental and physical health depending on what you're taking.

Getting clean might really help you get some confidence back, and get you back on your feet. If your mother doesn't respect that decision and tries to get you to do more drugs with her, you're gonna have to distance yourself from her if you ever want to get out of it.

You're not trash. You've just been through a lot and are roughed up. I hope you can heal your emotional scars and find some happiness.
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Old 10-01-16, 11:38 PM   #4
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hi your story is so sad that youve had to go through all that. Your mum molesting you when you were so young. Its not your fault you are the way you are other people have caused you to be this way by their actions.
You couldnt choose when you were a child you didnt know it was wrong. But you know now and you can choose not to act on your desires.
Its not your fault that the desires are there. Its all what happened to you what others did to you.
you arent trash you just feel like you are... thats what abuse will do make you feel like crap and walking rubbish. But you arent.
Try not to hate yourself so much your just human you arent the worst person in the world. The only thing that will heal you truely is having some love for yourself. The love that you didnt get when you were growing up. There is stuff online about how you could start healing your heart.
Im sorry you dont feel strong enough to go out or have friends.
I hope for you one day to get off street drugs but maybe you need it to block out the memories. But is there anything you could get from the dr that could help its still drugs but at least its a bit safer im talking about maybe opiates or tranquilizer type drugs not anti depressants. In the UK heroin addicts get methodone to help them come off heroin.
You sound like youve done a good job to even just stay alive with all what youve been through.
I wouldnt know what to say about your mum but maybe if its making you feel ashamed maybe you shouldnt keep doing stuff with her or it is a cycle of shame that you get in..

I do hope you get some good things in your life that you can feel proud of yourself for and not just all be one shit cycle that makes you feel so terrable.

i wish you well you deserve it for the hard life youve had and i hope you keep choosing not to be acting on desires. Try not to beat yourself for having them there in the first place. not acting on them makes you a good person.
try be kind to yourself
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