i was looking at a list of counselors and i found one that seemed like they would be able to help me but my insurance hasn't said whether they would be able to cover her. I really need help fast because i feel like i'm underachieving and there's so much more i could be doing but i'm not doing and it makes me feel like i'm wasting my life or like my life is slipping away.

i like to draw people, shapes, patterns and landscapes. i don't draw that much everyday but i try to draw everyday because i need to practice but i tend to procrastinate some days and other days i just have no imagination, like artists block. I can draw very detailed but i wish i got more detailed so that i can draw smaller things, like the detail of leaves and things like that. I have so much student loans to pay, i hope i can get good at what i do and then easily pay them off so that i can focus my attention in getting other things like my own home.

i wasn't feeling that well yesterday, today i'm feeling a bit better but i feel fatigued.

I like to draw characters I come up with. I'd love to see your pictures sometimes. Do you have a job right now? I'm glad you're feeling better today :)

some days i feel ok and happy but other days i feel really bad. It is really weird. i'm thinking it is a bi-polar symptom... it gets real bad when i'm around the opposite sex, i start to get reminded of the things that happened to me and how i can't let any guy touch me because i associate the touch with what happened. Another thing is when guys thinking about having children or being with me, i start to feel like i can't... i just can't allow that to happen especially since i haven't lived my life the way i want yet. It's just beginning for me. It's like they steal my peace of mind.

yes i have a job and last time i was working they spoke to me about promoting me permanent worker but the job isn't in my field, i think that kind of partly sparked my emotional feelings about everything... i just got reminded i think that my life isn't the way i want but i know that it is still a good opportunity. I should be happy but i feel confused. I feel confused about many things.

That must be really hard. Hopefully counselling can help you with those issues. I don't know too much about them. I know that you're suffering though and I pray things get better.

yes, i hope so.. when i'm at work, i don't feel comfortable being around all those men and even women... especially since they all might be thinking many thoughts about me. They all seem to respect me somewhat but i could tell many people love my company... but sometimes they love it so much that they want more and it's like i feel uncomfortable with it. There was this one time there was some kind of sexual assault at work and someone reported it and it got someone fired and that just made me get a flashback about my feelings again about what happened to me... i started to feel depressed, i wanted to cry when i heard about what happened to that girl but i felt bad for the guy too because i know sometimes people lie too... and what if it wasn't true? but i felt bad. I need so much to heal from that... i feel i need to express to those who want more of me that i don't feel comfortable with that but the thing about that is i keep thinking that if i do, i may ruin their conscious of what they were doing or may do to another girl. It may be natural for them to do such a thing but to me i see everything so negative like it is still sexual assault. I think that it's hard to find true friendship because of it too because most people want to be with a person intimately. I feel a lack of space in relationships. Almost every relationship i been in, i don't think i was really respected, maybe a few respected me but at the same time they weren't for me.

You're saying you're afraid people will become too sexual with you in a friendship? I'm sure there are some nice people who don't. Maybe they're just hard to find. You deserve respect though and I know the pain of memory. I don't think I've been in as much pain as you though. Trust can be a hard thing to learn after something like that but I promise there are some good people out there. I hope you find them.

maybe i will how my artwork sometime, i'd like to see yours too. Mine is kind of private because i like to just show some that i feel comfortable here and others that i feel comfortable showing somewhere else. I just don't want my art work associated with the forum yet... and i don't want no one to find out where i've been if they were to search on me on google. It's weird but i like my privacy. I wouldn't want anyone to know how suicidal or depressed i am and what happened to me because it's like i'm telling my whole life story which is embarrassing to me. Maybe when i get older, i would have the strength to talk about it but now at this moment, i don't. I think i would feel alienated if anyone found it.

It's okay, you don't have to show your artwork. I would show mine but I have no camera. You can have all the privacy you want. You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to.

yes, that's what i am saying because that's what usually has happened to me and then i realized how much risk and how much that was really hurting me especially seeing how i didn't respect myself enough to not let anyone touch me. I was touched by men twice older than me, i was even put in situations where i didn't want to do what i was doing just for someone's sexual pleasure. I realized later on the risk i have when i do that and how i can get not only mentally sick but physically sick from being exposed to certain germs that people carry when they just go from person to person without caring. I'm lucky to be healthy but at the same time i don't feel i'm completely healthy. I feel that love is something you've got to take your time with. There's no need to rush... i don't feel comfortable talking about this because i don't want to mess up anyone conscious but it's something i feel i need to express.

I've been touched many times, i just feel disgusted with myself and my body now... i even just want to go back to just being a tomboy and not letting any guy near me. I used to be a tomboy earlier in my life and when i was in middle school, my sister told me that dressing the way i was dressing didn't look good on me, was ugly and that people of the street do that. That made me feel like i couldn't express myself anymore. It took away my soul and my essence and replaced it with superficiality, someone fake and unreal. That's why in my life i did things to find my sexuality, to be sure because i was confused and that confusion led me to these things i experienced which were just taking away pieces of my soul. All of it was killing me. I looked up to my sister, that's why i listened but listening was the most dangerous thing i did.