This is a discussion on once twice three times within the Sexual Abuse forums, part of the Mental and Physical Health category; When I was young seven or eight my biological father would take me swimming every time I saw him on ...
When I was young seven or eight my biological father would take me swimming every time I saw him on a Saturday. Trouble is he would Insist we use a double locker. Its only in the past couple of years that the truth hit me. He could have been trying to eye me up.he never had a girlfriend for a decade. I feel exploited and violated. I was a bit of a daddy's girl too.
That's not the end to my suffering. My neighbour was two years older than me. At about 10 when his mum was looking after us he used to hold me down and say just once in and out. He never suceeded I would scream at the top of my lung the first chance ingot. I'm not angry at him for some reason but keeping secrets eat away at you. They germinate and fester creeping like Ivy through your consciousness.
The last blows the other two out of the water. At 18 I was becoming increasingly self destructive and getting into dangerous situations I just stopped caring. My friend picked on me for my lack of sexual experience let's say. So one night I was blind drunk and a guy I knew from work that everybody thought was nice offered me a lift home. He was with and older guy they just met in the club and his friend. I went to this older guys place. Just me and three guys. I would never have done anything so stupid but in was probably starting to get I'll I ended up in hospital six months later. I went to bed with one of the guys one said he was putting music on the computer. I knew he was filming it. I was so drunk I wet the bed. The sex never happened I'd only done it twice before. I was quite cluessless after a failed attempt of me on top. He said can my friend have a shot. The older guy then proceeded to try and wrestle me down after I got dressed. I resisted and he gave up. I shouted the guy from my work. He gave me a hug although I knew his intention it was so f@#Łed up. The story that circulated ground town was I was willing and slept with them all.
Also sorry for bad rumors being spread, but its important that you know the truth.
I am glad you escaped all 3 attempts of rapes. (pardon me if i misunderstood) I know its really damaging and really painful thing to remember and experience.
It is hard getting rid of those memories, but i would suggest you to find some good therapist. And whenever you are in "risky" situation, i would suggest you to try and have at least 1 person who you can trust with you. I myself as male always follow my female friend to home when we are going out till late, to prevent anything bad from happening, since sex crimes are common.
If you could and have money and time for it, i think it would be great to go and learn some martial arts and self-defense techniques. In case anything bad, god forbid, happens.
Thanks for sharing. I know it was really hard for you to write this down. Stay strong friend. (((((((((((((((((torn))))))))))))))
The shame I feel is tearing me up inside. What I did goes against every principle I hold dear. I have since attempted suicide more than once. I just wanted out. I took an overdose of my bipolar meds twice. I was arrested a mile above a highway on the wrong side of the railings all I had to do was slip and that would have been it. Why ? Why did I do it. It won't leave me alone. I thought nobody really noticed me I felt invisible. Was I spiked. I'm sure I wasnt. It must be some sort of split in my psyche.
Will I ever forgive myself. How do I do this. It was all my fault I wasn't. Tricked or forced. I was so numb at the time . out of touch with my feelings. The emptiness screams for attention. Maybe I sought the pain myself just to feel anything. God knows. All these years and I try and push it away. I hats myself. The three men obviously had no regard for women it shows our society is still messed up but I feel no rage towards them. Phew I'm beat
Its not you to blame!!! Nothing and i say nothing gives them a reason to do it!!!! You are a valuable human being, with a gentle heart and gentle soul. YOu deserve to be treated like a princess and not like a piece of meat. Only one who should be ashamed is them. They deserve the pain, not you!!!! Our society is to blame and they are to blame, many are to blame, but non of them is you. You are a victim and you shouldnt blame yourself.
Please, if you can, find some therapist. We are still there for you, but it seems like you have some issues that you need resolving. YOu are a strong girl and have been through a lot. Trust me when i say this that you can feel better and that you will feel better. Just keep fighting and dont play the blame game and especially dont blame yourself.