I'm messed up *tw*
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I'm messed up *tw*

This is a discussion on I'm messed up *tw* within the Sexual Abuse forums, part of the Mental and Physical Health category; Idk if I'm talking about this because I actually think it helps or because I want to damage myself a ...

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Old 02-08-15, 02:16 PM   #1
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Idk if I'm talking about this because I actually think it helps or because I want to damage myself a bit more. It goes wrong every time I try to approach this topic because my mind just shuts down and it's like I'm describing a scene from a movie and not something that I experienced. It doesn't feel real to me. But I don't know what real or "true" even means.

I could try it like this: I was sexually abused by my father's girlfriend five years ago.
Feels like a lie.

Or I could say: I fucked my father's girlfriend behind his back.
Feels more comfortable.

My father was living with this woman when I was 13-15. I don't know when she started doing it. I think I never actually noticed the transition from being all nice and motherly to waking up to her hand around my dick. There were a fucking lot of things that seem really obvious to me now but when I was 13 I didn't realise what she was doing. She touched me all the time, she hugged me, pressed herself against me, talked about sex with me (I interpreted it as the usual sex-talk parents give their children). We once watched a film together on a sofa bed when my dad wasn't at home and I woke up to her touching herself next to me. I still cannot remember if it was that time or if it happened later but at some point she took my hand and slid it between her legs. She used my hand to touch herself lots of times. She touched me, too. Manipulated me into thinking I wanted it by commenting on my physical reactions to it. I don't know when he started sleeping together. For a long time I wasn't even sure if I actually did have sex with her or if I had just dreamed it because those memories always felt weird. I know things without completely remembering them. Other things I remember but they feel unreal. She always stayed up much longer than my dad. I got used to her coming into my room for a quick fuck before going to bed. On holidays she came in the mornings right after my dad had left for work. Most of the time I pretended I was asleep which she ignored. I remember times where I gave in to her movements because it felt good and my brain just shut down. My father never found out what we were doing behind his back. I never told anyone. I'm completely messed up in my head today. I started self-harming at 14 or 15, developed an eating disorder later on, was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety at 16.
I still cannot say "she abused me". I still think it was my fault. I wanted it. I let her do it. I still get off on it. I wake up at night with all these memories and masturbate and then, when I'm completely awake and realise what I've done, I feel so dirty and disgusting. I find sex disgusting. I cannot hold up any kind of relationship. I'm completely messed up and I know why but I cannot really accept it, still think I made her do it. It feels as if I have no right to feel this way because I let it happen when I knew exactly what she was doing. I want to talk about it but I feel as if I'm complaining about nothing.
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Old 02-08-15, 05:02 PM   #2
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Neirin, I'm so very sorry for what you've been through. You're definitely not "complaining about nothing." This is clearly something that's been bothering you for a while, and your feelings are totally justified. Your post actually brought me to tears - I am really sorry for the position she's forced you into.

About whether it was abuse or not, it's up to you to determine how you frame it, but by law, what she did was without a doubt sexual abuse. You were not old enough to consent to sex with an adult. There are many good reasons for this of course - adults are in a position of power and responsibility. Your father's girlfriend took advantage of that, and groomed you until you thought that sex was something you wanted. It was never what you really wanted though; your words make that pretty clear. "I don't know when she started doing it." - this is a very important point - remember that you did not start this, she did. "[She] manipulated me into thinking I wanted it" - this is another very clear indication of what was happening. The word MANIPULATED reads very loud for me in your post, not just the one instance of the word itself, but it echos throughout the rest of your message.

What happened to you was not your fault! Please don't blame yourself. She made you do these things. She knew that she was doing something that was wrong, and as an adult, she had a responsibility to know better. What happened was her fault entirely, and not yours.

It's clear that you were under significant emotional strain while she was grooming and abusing you. It's also clear that you were very conflicted about what was happening when you were younger, and that confusion about how to think about what happened is still very much alive in mind head today. You can't quite figure out if it was something you wanted, or didn't want. I'm not sure if I need to say this or not, but physical arousal, either now or when you were younger, is not an indicator of consent, genuine desire, or affection. It certainly does not mean that the mind is/was free of internal conflict on sex in such a complicated situation. Pretending to be asleep when she'd come into your room uninvited makes it pretty clear that it wasn't something you wanted. I'm so sorry for all that she did. You didn't deserve to be treated that way.

Why do you feel so dirty and disgusting now? How do you feel when you think of what she did to you? Have you ever talked to a therapist about what happened?
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Old 02-08-15, 05:22 PM   #3
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I went through the same this at a young age, so in that regard I can say I understand.

I was sexually abused by both my parents separately. And I would say it was the hardest to "get over" (if I can classify myself as "over it") with my step mom. It is hard to classify things as abuse when they did typically felt good. But you need to separate the physiological response from the psychological. While also understanding that you were groomed or manipulated in the situation.

Looking at it from my perspective, I see an underage kid without the ability to consent being taken advantage of by an older and more experienced female predator. And there isn't a way it was your fault, especially at that age.

It's normal to feel the way you feel after going through that. And it really would be beneficial for you to find someone to talk to about it. There are numerous kinds of therapy to help. I would personally suggest CBT or REMD.

This topic gets me a little hazy, so feel free to ask for clarification or if you have anything else to add.
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Old 02-08-15, 05:57 PM   #4
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Thank you both for listening.

I always feel weird when I try to write about this. I get upset when people tell me that if was bad what happened because I don't want to be pitied but I also get upset when people tell me that they don't see why I'm complaining about it. Idk.
I have no proof that any of this ever happened and that makes it harder because I know I'm messed up and what if this did not cause my problems but I only think it happened and it's only in my head and she did nothing and I'm falsely accusing someone who never did anything wrong? I'm not only not sure if it classifies as abuse but also if it happened at all. I don't trust myself tbh.


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Why do you feel so dirty and disgusting now? How do you feel when you think of what she did to you? Have you ever talked to a therapist about what happened?
I find it hard to think clearly about it. When I try to think about it it's as if my brain was shutting down. It makes me feel nauseous. Idk how to describe it. The only things I can really remember then are facts. Like knowing something happened on a specific day but not being able to say what exactly happened. Or remembering certain rituals. Idk.
There's another kind of memory that I have. Those are always involuntary. I get most of them when I'm half-asleep. They're like 'physical' memories. Remembering how certain things felt like, movements, her voice. Things she said to me. Sometimes I panic when this happens. When I'm awake and it happens then I always panic. Not so much when I'm not fully awake. Then I mostly get aroused. And then I feel really disgusted afterwards. Because I know it's wrong to feel this way. I know it's a 'natural response' or whatever but it feels so wrong. Saying that it was abuse and then getting off on it.
I find sex disgusting. I can't help but feel this way. I want to be asexual but in these moments I realise that I'm not 100% and I can't really deal with it.

I've never talked about it. I tried it a few times online. Never offline.
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Old 02-08-15, 07:11 PM   #5
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You should be really proud of yourself for talking about it here. It's certainly not easy, but it's a really important step. I haven't been through sexual abuse, but I have experienced extensive verbal abuse and bullying, and I know it was really hard for me to talk about any of it for over 10 years after it happened. Talking about it online helped a little bit, but talking about it in person with someone was another big step that helped me to partially overcome what happened. It feels really good to have your pain acknowledged, and be understood. I want that for you too, and I hope you'll gradually work towards telling someone in person, when you're ready for it.

I really do think that a therapist would be beneficial for you, given how much you're hurting. That was the first person I told about some of my experiences. It helps to have someone who you know will keep your secrets, and won't judge you for them.

As for how you feel about yourself, it would be a good idea to question whether the thoughts and feelings you have are warranted. I don't think you should feel disgusted with yourself. There's just a lot of internal confusion within you still, and it will take some time to work through that. When you find yourself both aroused and disgusted, just remind yourself that it's very normal to have such complex and polarized feelings at the same time because of what you've been through. Accept your feelings, and don't try to fight them. Instead, just sit with them and observe what you're thinking - that can lead to surprising new conclusions.

Be patient and understanding with yourself while you work through it all. I know this is a kind of cheesy line, especially since it's from Harry Potter... but I feel it really suits the situation, so bear with me! "You're not a bad person. You're a very good person, who bad things have happened to." Please be understanding and compassionate towards yourself. Blaming yourself for what happened, or telling yourself that you're disgusting will only hurt you more. When you catch yourself doing these things, it might help to ask yourself "what would I say to a good friend who was suffering as I am right now?" And then, offer yourself the support that you'd give a friend in need. You'd never tell a friend who was hurting that they were dirty or disgusting, right? Please extend that same courtesy to yourself! It takes some practice, but it feels really good to start treating yourself like a loved one. You deserve nothing less.

You've been through a lot, and it's left a mark on you, but in time, you can overcome that. I know you can.
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Last edited by Uncomfortably Numb; 02-08-15 at 07:14 PM.
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Old 05-05-15, 12:17 AM   #6
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Neirin, sorry chiming in late.
She sexually took advantage of and used you. She used your puberty and hormones against you. I don't know if she also offered you massages etc. just to get into your pants. Also those questions such as does it feel something or other etc. that would make you confused and awkward. It becomes an ambivalent cycle that become habit forming whether you like it or not. From your account you did not ask this from her. You thought of her as your guardian and your father's lover not yours.
She should have not been your first sexual encounter because of the horrible imprint she had made you will make you think sex negatively despite the physiology of it. This will for sure impact your future relationships until you can nip this in the bud and finally move on.
Some people would even say "what's the big deal" because you are a guy. You probably were afraid or ashamed to tell your dad because he may think it was your fault. Also for some to many boys/men admitting being taken advantage of sexually would seem weak.
I am really sorry to say that you still can't say she did but she really did. Seriously it was not your fault. Please no longer think it is your fault. I mean you were only an under-aged teen under her guardianship. I'm sorry this is just making me very angry as kids never have to experience what you have had been through. Never!!!
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