fears + stigmas working with kids
I'm sometimes scared that people at work will find out that I have PTSD or BP annd will start to ask questions...
One person i work with was a psychiatric nurse.. and I like her a lot... if it wasn't for another person... my boss... who would NEVER understand...
I might tell her, bc I can talk to her about stuff... But I can't, bc I can't afford to lose that job...
And some days this lady looks at me in a certain way... on bad days, and I feel like she can see through me... knows something is wrong... but she doesn't say anything... and twice I've made mistakes in the last 2.5 years... once I left my journal - tho she likely would have respected my privacy... and once I left a pill bottle (common med for migraines, tho i don't take it for that) with my keys... :s + Idk if she saw either...
I'm just paranoid...
bc I work with kids... for the last 10 years... I've been fingerprinted, checked by the fbi for 2 jobs, (what they do w/ teachers), I have references, personal + professional, and they *know* me... adore me, have offered me the job "as long as I want it"... they trust me completely.. + I make sure I'm as dependable as humanly possible - as much as I can possibly be...
but - it's kind of a stigma... that people who have been abused as children, tend to, or can become abusers themselves...
and I'm scared that people would think that of me... but I would NEVER ever ever hurt a child...
and the very idea just makes me cry... if someone thought that of me, I'd just burst out sobbing...
and I'm so scared of this that I'm afraid to look at kids when I have to do things w/ small children, like change a diaper or bathe them...
scared...
when really, it's the opposite.. one reason I went into working w/kids was to try to help... make them feel heard... I'm good at connecting w/ troubled kids, kids w/ special needs... I've thought about becoming a special ed teacher, i've worked in an inner-city environment... at a non-for profit day care, thought about being a social worker, seriously about becoming a child psychologist, sometimes about going to med school + becoming a pediatrician or working in a children's hosp...
my desire is to save kids... help them have less pain + suffering.. bc of what I went through...
+ Idk that I can do that... but I can try.. I can add joy and wonder... I can protect + listen... + I am very good at getting their attention like that. Godd at comforting them, distracting them, understanding their needs,often...
but I'm afraid that if someone accuses me + is afraid... finds out, I might lose all that... (crying)
This is my world... Idk.
Idk why I'm thinking of this today...
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confuses fiction with reality
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