Abused as a child and can't tell anyone
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Abused as a child and can't tell anyone

This is a discussion on Abused as a child and can't tell anyone within the Sexual Abuse forums, part of the Mental and Physical Health category; I was sexually abused as a child, but I don't know who by. I remember being p***ed on by an ...

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Old 07-11-15, 05:06 PM   #1
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Default Abused as a child and can't tell anyone

I was sexually abused as a child, but I don't know who by. I remember being p***ed on by an adult man in the shower on more than one occasion and I think other things happened but I don't really remember. When I lost my virginity to my first boyfriend, my hymen had already been broken. I know this can happen in lots of other ways, so I didn't really read too much into it at the time but now I wonder.

I know I was very sexually aware from a very young age; I used to 'play doctor' and even kiss my neighbour (also female) with open mouths at around age 4. (I've never told anybody this before as it makes me feel sick). My trust and sexual issues have always been all over the place, plus I have all of the 'symptoms' of having repressed memories of sexual abuse, the list literally reads like a description of me. Low confidence/self-esteem, inability to trust, sexual dysfunction etc. I started binge-eating at age 5(ish), have extreme control of my emotion, memory blanks and an aversion to make noise (I physically can't cry, even now)

I've suffered from nightmares since childhood and have, in more recent years, had episodes of psychosis where I've suddenly started screaming at the man in my company (date, friend, boyfriend) to 'get away' or 'get off' or just started screaming for help. I even screamed at my *then* boyfriend, 'get off me I have a boyfriend'.

I thought I was doing my best to squash the feelings, memories and knock-on effects until this week I cheated on my boyfriend. My boyfriend is a few years older than me, very handsome and loving... and I cheated on him with a man twice my age who I don't even find attractive (or do I?). I'm drawn to the idea of it and then we have sex and I feel repulsed afterwards, but it's happened twice. I feel sick, I feel guilty and ashamed and I'm really beating myself up over it. And my poor boyfriend... he doesn't deserve this.

I've never spoken to anybody about the abuse because I don't really know when/who it was and I don't want all the drama that would come with telling friends or family. But I feel like what I've done this week is definitely because of that (in some way at least) and I don't know what to do.

Please help me.
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Old 07-11-15, 05:28 PM   #2
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Have you tried couples therapy with you boyfriend? It could help you out.
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Old 07-11-15, 05:37 PM   #3
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He doesn't know about any of it and I don't want to tell him :(
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Old 07-12-15, 05:08 AM   #4
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stitchuation. I'd gladly help you if you will help me. I'm dealing with exactly the type of issues you are talking about plus many others. Frankly I'm surprised that people like you and me are still standing. I tried to get help with this, all that happened was I realised for the first time that I was not to blame. I was a child for pity's sake. And it made me angry. So angry that I fell out with all my family and they haven't spoken to me since. So I very much hear you. Just getting it out is a good start I would say. Have you heard of an organisation called "Stepping Stones"? Look them up, you may find them helpful. All I can do, as a fellow sufferer, is just tell you that you are not alone, not going "barmy" and WILL get through this. Talking it out is very helpful. Hoping you feel more positive soon. Take care.
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Old 07-12-15, 07:34 AM   #5
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I am awfully sorry to hear that!!! :(


Talking with therapist about it would definitely be a great first step, when you feel comfortable of doing so. Maybe psychologist could help you remember the person and teach you to let it go. Since i think that while its under veil of mystery it will be in back of your mind, till you find out what exactly happened.

But you need to keep in mind that it wasnt your fault. You were just a child.

And i still advise strongly to visit psychologist, this could be begining of nymphomania which isnt good thing to have.


Best wishes, i hope and i know you will feel better
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Old 07-12-15, 12:25 PM   #6
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Thank you all for acknowledging my pain and sending kind words. It really means a lot just to have got this off my chest and for you to all have responded so nicely.

If anybody ever wants to talk... xxx
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Old 07-19-15, 10:32 AM   #7
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It's just so hard I thought I was over things and then the past 2 weeks a lot of repressed stuff has surface. I wasn't expecting it I'm totally blind-sided. I didn't realise I still had so much unresolved sh*t

I feel like I finally climbed to the top of a mountain, only to get there and see it was just part of a colossal mountain. Or something. I'm too tired for clever analogies today. But yeah. I feel I'm never going to have a normal healthy relationship
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