I was sexually abused as a child, but I don't know who by. I remember being p***ed on by an adult man in the shower on more than one occasion and I think other things happened but I don't really remember. When I lost my virginity to my first boyfriend, my hymen had already been broken. I know this can happen in lots of other ways, so I didn't really read too much into it at the time but now I wonder.
I know I was very sexually aware from a very young age; I used to 'play doctor' and even kiss my neighbour (also female) with open mouths at around age 4. (I've never told anybody this before as it makes me feel sick). My trust and sexual issues have always been all over the place, plus I have all of the 'symptoms' of having repressed memories of sexual abuse, the list literally reads like a description of me. Low confidence/self-esteem, inability to trust, sexual dysfunction etc. I started binge-eating at age 5(ish), have extreme control of my emotion, memory blanks and an aversion to make noise (I physically can't cry, even now)
I've suffered from nightmares since childhood and have, in more recent years, had episodes of psychosis where I've suddenly started screaming at the man in my company (date, friend, boyfriend) to 'get away' or 'get off' or just started screaming for help. I even screamed at my *then* boyfriend, 'get off me I have a boyfriend'.
I thought I was doing my best to squash the feelings, memories and knock-on effects until this week I cheated on my boyfriend. My boyfriend is a few years older than me, very handsome and loving... and I cheated on him with a man twice my age who I don't even find attractive (or do I?). I'm drawn to the idea of it and then we have sex and I feel repulsed afterwards, but it's happened twice. I feel sick, I feel guilty and ashamed and I'm really beating myself up over it. And my poor boyfriend... he doesn't deserve this.
I've never spoken to anybody about the abuse because I don't really know when/who it was and I don't want all the drama that would come with telling friends or family. But I feel like what I've done this week is definitely because of that (in some way at least) and I don't know what to do.
Please help me.