roy would abuse me when i was 6 year old,and my mum may or not knew about it,but i feel she did. he would buy food and thing to help my mum out,as she was not that well off at the time.he only did this to help,so he could get to me. he would do really nasy thing to me,if i try to fight him off,which is something i cant even write yet.it just make me feel like im one worthless cow. he would go on hoilday sometime,and he would give me gift,saying i was his girl. i tho at the time,i had someone who like me,as no one like me at school,as i got call name,as i went to school dirty all the time.it was just a awfull time back then. sometime my mum would send me to school with no food. the frist time he did rape me,i did bleed a bit,but it fell like a knife.it was so painfull. the thing is he just tho he could do what he wanting to me.and yea he could. he would play mummy and daddy with me,but in a sexal way.he was had really bad BO.i cant get that smell out of my self tonight. i feel so sick just thinking about him. He does not care how he make me feel anyways.
i just dont understand how my mum could lets my big brother sexal abuse me when i was 3,and she know as she walk in on it. im just one big mess tonight. yea im still here.but i dont know how long for. it just all my fauilt. it my doing. i feel sick just thinking about it.i get flashbk all the time of this,and in dreams which i have ever night. im just comeing to the ponit where i feel like all i want to do is give up. yea i know it may be the wrong thing to do,but it just how i feel right now. i need to cry,but cant. i hate crying so much. i give in to si fews days ago,and i just want to do it again,but im trying to fight it with everything i have inside of me. i miss my dog abbey who pass away last year. she was only 1 yr old. life never fair to me.i wish thing were not this way,but they are,so i dont know what i should do for the best.i know people who have be like this for like 15 20 yr,im not able to be like this for that long.it killing me inside.a person can only take so much in this life. i just want to be like everyone eles,but that wont happer. i just want to be out of this pain. sorry.there so much more i need to talk about,but ugh it hard. was abuse by so many people,i t just hard.