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New Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 2
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I feel like my posting could be in any of these categories....
but I'm posting it in the "self esteem" category because this is what I miss the most.
Help! Any advice is much appreciated.
I feel so lost in life...
I always dreamt about being a musician, ever since I was a little girl this is all I ever wanted to do. I also always dreamt about being a lesbian, that one day met a great partner (no haters, pls, this will not help me if you have an issue with queerness). I use to feel so hopeful about life. Anything was possible. I could do anything if I just put the work in to it, and I did!!!! Unfortunately, my outcome was not as expected.
I'm in my mid 30's. So far I have managed to become a musician, and a really damn good one, too! I went to school for music, worked at recording studios, and wrote my fair share of tunes. Unfortunately, I have never really had much of a "career" at doing so. Yes, I understand that this is insanely difficult to accomplish. But the thing is....I don't have much else in life either. I'm very estranged from my family. Maybe because I'm gay, maybe because I'm an only child, maybe because my parents live on the other side of the country, etc. So I live alone. And I feel alone. I also never found that "right" relationship. And I've had many. My current girlfriend is a bit of a struggle. She's got her own issues, which often times fall into my lap. I've tried to leave her dozens of times, but after years together, I can't seem to really get away. Sometimes I wish she or I would just move far away to finally end the drama. And then sometimes I can't live without her, because she's the only person I really have on a daily basis in my life. After college I never landed the job that propelled me anywhere special. I actually struggled for two years, working odd jobs. This left a really soiled mark on my life. Finally, I was able to land a decent job with decent pay, and coworkers that I enjoy being around, but I can't help but think I'm not living up to my abilities. It's a cubicle position with just enough salary to pay my bills but nothing more. So I miss out on some of the luxuries in life that I just can't afford (a new hair cut, new clothes, vacation, oil change for my car, etc). And my social life has dwindled down to nothing. I use to have friends, but now my weekends are lame and lonely. The only person I spend time with is my dysfunctional girlfriend. And trust me, I've TRIED to rectify this, but time and again, old friends have blown me off or disappeared completely. I've even tried joining multiple and variant organizations to make new friends, but never seem to meet people that stick. My relationship is not even remotely satisfying, but it's the only thing I have right now. I keep hoping and praying that somehow the universe will guide me towards fulfillment in any of these categories, but day in and day out, I just keep living the same way. My job is going nowhere, my girlfriend will never be capable of the loving and supportive relationship I crave, my sex life is nile, my music doesn't seem to be going anywhere fast, making friends seems harder and harder to do, I try to keep active with the gym, but even that seems pointless as I haven't lost a single pound in a year of going 3-4 times a week. I'm stuck in a rut. A very long rut that I can't seem to get out of. I feel that all of this has accumulated to low-self esteem, weight-gain, and I find myself drinking at home...alone. I don't want to be this person, but I just don't know how to change it, and/or what to change that will make any of it better.
Has anyone experienced this period in life? Am I going crazy/doing something wrong? I try to keep a positive mind most of the time, telling myself of all the good things I do have in my life (loving parents, a comfortable apartment), but in the end I still just feel so unfulfilled and hopeless.
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