Crystaltears

Well how to put this.. I like online friends. I like "real life" friends too but online friends are special. I can tell them anything. And I don't have to worry cause-they can't see me. I'm not the nicest thing to see, and have a buttload of physical flaws(more than the average person and I really don't feel like listing them...again. I practically do it every post let's just stick with I'm plain.) and I'm an emotional screwed up wreck inside. And on top of that I'm a weirdo-really..really weird. I don't like going outside because of my looks, and because people are judgemental.
I am happy alone with animals. Most people find that odd-oh well. At least animals judge you by what you really are-your heart and not what you sound like look like or your odd quirky mannerism. My pets don't give a shit that I'm a young adult with bad skin and hair or that I have strabismus. Or that I'm an animal obsessed germaphobe-ahem elt me rephrase that I'm a human pathogen germaphobe-I have no problem smothering my kitty with kisses but I wont drink after other people. If you know anything about pathogens that'll actually make sense to you as a person has mor things you can catch than a house cat.
I wish I was normal. I like how I'm different in that I am a caring person but damn I could be caring too and be normal at the same time!
some people here complain about being single. What they don't get is that they'll find someone! I wont, I can't. For one I have a bad seflesteem and if I did find someone they'd take advantage of it and abuse me. Second, I'm ugly and weird and guys never find me attractive and in the once a decade that they do I wonder what the hell is wrong with them-or worry about what they'll do once they see my eye go out or hear that I'm insecure of see the scars on my body.
Point is I guess I'm "cursed". That's ok though I'm too much of a nazi feminist to be a good wife anyway,and I'm not hot so no guy would even care about breaking down the cold door and getting in.
The thing that really really gets me depressed too is thinking I wont be able to adopt kids. If i still have these issues then I can't be a good mom and it would be irresponsible and stupid to ruin someone's life.
So I have to wake up and try to get myself to quit crying in selfpity and go "hey I'm ugly, screwed up and destined to be alone without a family forever." Why can't I just accept that and move on? I mean seriously big woop I enjoy being alone. I'm an only child I'm used to it! Plus I've enver found someone I could truely relate to. Someone to really click with. That one special friend who has similair issues and understands. that and the friends I have I probably ownt see much after they get married or find a man as they'll be too consumed in him to care. And as for my male friends-once they get a girl they're gone. I wish I would stop crying and lying in pity. Yea I admit it-I wish I were pretty. I wish people would be like "wow you are something special" but the truth is I'm adult now and can't afford to whine like that.
The only thing I have going for me is my mind-but I make horrid grades and don't study. I'm screwing up my life. If I'm not able to get a decent job I don't know what I'll do. Maybe I'll finally work up the courage to kil myself and end this mess that is me.
I could never tell people this in "reality". Heck I feel if anyone of you saw me you'd probably be like "damn what's wrong with you?"
I just wish I were normal. A normal pretty responisble girl.
But that wont happen. I? have to quit wishing and accept the freak that I am.

Buckethead

I hope you don't give up, since you're still young and could possibly have a lot of good things ahead of you. You say that you are a caring person, and I think people would notice this if they got to know you.

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zomg

Hey crazy cat lady :-)
I've never had a cat and am very jealous of people that do, so consider yourself to have 1 up on me... they are sooo cute. I'd prefer a dog though, because if you are nice to them, they will always be your friend...

Reading your post, it felt like these were things that have been going around in your head for a while. As a second person, reading them, I can see that they are not exactly rational.
I can recognize the way you are thinking though. Things that bother you - your eye, your appearance, things that you don't like about your personality that you can't change without stopping being yourself... you build on them until they are a reason why you can't live a happy life.
If you take a step back though, you can see that your derivation relies on the worst outcome happening every time. Going by worst cases, if you were pretty, you might have 2 kids right now by some guy that left, and be living in a trailer...

I think you sound like a cool person, really. I'd love to know you in real life, especially if you'd put up with being made to watch crappy tv shows from time to time... but I don't think a reassurance like that can really help you get over your anxiety.

Look at the kind of things people do to get over anxiety and OCD, which are really similar. I've heard that exposure therapy is good.

What do you think you can do to make yourself more confident?

Katwinzzz

Yeah i often wish i could just be more normal like other people who seem so at ease and relaxed and happy. I hate being so in my head but I don't think I could change it because well that's just me. I have to accept it but it doesn't mean it can be done in a split second. It takes time. You seem really cool. I can relate to what you said about yourself, not everything of course because we're two different people but we do have some similarities- i love kids sort of for the same reason you love animals- kids are so pure and innocent in and of themselves; they are gifts from God. Kids have so much love and happiness bursting out of them and i wish i could stay young forever but i'm on the train to growing up that is moving at a really quick speed! I have thought about wanting to have kids but being sad that if i have them they might go through what i am going through- feeling lost and confused and not liking myself at times and asking "what is wrong with me?". Life is such a mystery but hey we have been given it so we need to make the most of it. Things can definitely change. Often when we are depressed, our outlook is pretty narrow and we can't see far down the road of life but that doesn't mean there are great things up ahead if we continuing walking. I wish you the best of luck in finding that confidence but you seem really down-to-earth!