This is more of a vent.
I've been trying to work on courseworks for a week now. I had 4 of them, and each could have been comfortably completed in about a day.
Every time I sat down to do them I... didn't. I did other things. And then it got to 4 or 5 am, and I would get angry at myself, go to bed promising to do them tomorrow.
The deadlines were spread through the week, and the first two, which were presentations, I just about got done in time. The third one, I didn't do for the deadline, then did the sit and not do it thing for 2 day, so it was 2 days late.
This is the last one, I sat around and now I have 3 hours to do it in. It was supposed to take about a whole day. I don't think I can do it and I want to cry.
Why do I do this. Why? I know I can do the work if I just actually do it. Even the stuff I did in the last couple of hours for the previus peices was comparable to my classmates, if less good, so if I only took the right amount of time to do it, I'd be better than them. But as it is, I'm going to fail because of not handing in work. It seems like such a waste.
I feel a bit better for the rant. I'm going to try and get this done, but... fuck. why have I fucked this up? I set asside the time, didn't see any friends for a week, and mostly sat at my computer 'working'. But I wasn't working. I was reading other things. And now I'm going to fail and I just have to accept it's my fault. But I could accept it easier if I could understand it. It's not like I don't care, or am not interested - when I did it I found the work fascinating, a treat. I can feel adrenaline pumping through me and really what I want to do is go jump out of a window. Anything to make the stress go away. Which is stupid. But I am going to try. Just this last few hours.