What was my issue?
 

So, it's been a while since I've been on here, mostly because I feel that I've gotten so much better. Now, though, I'm curious as to what my problem could've been.

So for two years my life was hell. I was depressed all of the time, had self harmed, and contemplated suicide. I had three major crushes, none of whom worked out to be boyfriends. My problem with them was that I'd get very close to them very quickly. It would become unbearable to not be texting them at any given point. When they try to go away, especially when I was upset, I would try to manipulate them into staying and texting longer by saying I was upset, that they were what kept me from hurting myself that I felt like I needed to disappear, etc. Oh of course I'd feel ashamed of everything I said, but I would act on complete impulse. I would become afraid that they hated me whenever they weren't talking to me. Or if I knew they told somebody something they didn't tell me, I'd become angry, and envious and protective of them and feel like I'm being cut out. I would complain to an outside friend that nobody would ever love me because none of these boys did. Conversations were always strained and awkward with everyone I talked to for that whole two year period, like they would send one word answers to whole paragraphs of text, or they would leave me out of the conversation if it was with other people. I actually wanted to try and "commit suicide" but purposely fail just to go to inpatient care. At some point I began feeling so bad that I would feel as though I was caught in a dream, or that my head felt all fuzzy. I don't believe that I had DPD, which is what I at first thought it was, because I could make major decisions for myself, I was just extremely upset and couldn't function without my crush talking to me. I'm thinking I have BPD, though since I'm only 16, and I know you can't really diagnose a person until they're 18, I'm not gonna use that term to describe myself just yet.

I'm wondering if what I ha(d/ve) is the onset of bpd or something else. If it helps, my dad is extremely mentally ill, and my therapist believes that he has a personality disorder from the way I describe him and the medicine he takes (which is anti-depressants and antipsychotics).

The fact that you're questioning how your behavior affects others is a positive sign that you don't have personality disorder. Also, I'm sure you know, there are a lot of reasons why personality disorders are not diagnosed before 18. I'm not trying to be patronizing, at 16 you're just starting to build your adult identity, and that's stressful. If you want to discuss more why you self harm I will listen.

When I self harmed, I couldn't ever figure out why I did it. I just thought of it as something I did, it wasn't a positive or negative thing. Of course it was always getting worse and it came down to me doing it every single day, sometimes even more than once a day. I honestly found that I was unable to get myself to do it when I was extremely upset, and really, the less upset I was, the more I was willing to do it. I still can't figure it out myself. The only reason I stopped was because I lost my tool. I didn't plan on ever trying to stop. I hope this helps. I just want to figure out what was wrong with me, and it's pretty comforting to hear that I likely don't have a personality disorder.

Wow, you sound a lot like me. Your whole story sounds just like I wrote it
I have no ide what is wrong, if anything is wrong at all, with you or me, but I wanted to let you know you're not alone in this

There is nothing really wrong with you because you have cut yourself. It is common for people to self harm in many different ways. I think cutting is just more stigmatized because it is direct and cannot be interpreted as anything other than self harm. Like someone who drinks or abuses drugs or gets into physical altercations has self harming motives that can be hidden easier from themselves and others.

You said you became too close too quickly with guys and that was part of a cycle that prevented you from hurting yourself. Maybe since none of them worked out, you were just projecting positive qualities on them that they didn't deserve.