How A Prescription For Xanax Ruined My Life
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How A Prescription For Xanax Ruined My Life

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Old 10-25-12, 11:39 PM   #1
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I have been taking xanax for 10 years. When I first started taking it, it was nice. It made all my anxiety go away. I was no longer looking over my shoulder and thinking everyone was out to get me. No longer having panic attacks.

The second time I was put on probation, having been a Cheech & Chong level pothead, I wanted a high. An average good day was 7 2mg tablets. I was waking up in the floor with my pants pissed with no idea what I did the day before. I would pass out sometimes. My girlfriend tells me I would stop breathing in my sleep and she would have to hit me in the back hoping I would breathe again; thank God for her it worked, because I wouldn't want my death on her conscience.

After all of that I quit abusing the medication. I take it as I would any medication. But hard times came and there were times when I couldn't afford to go to the doctor. I would have to buy my pills on the street. If I didn't know where to get any, I would suffer from extreme withdrawals. The first time I was hospitalized for benzodiazapine withdrawal syndrome, I didn't know where I was, I barely knew my name. I was dellusional and had fake memories, fantasy and reality no longer had a barrier. I couldn't remember key things, like what my grandmother's name was, ect. My girlfriend took me to the hospital after hours of vomiting; I tried to drive and I was going to drive on the sidewalk. Long story short my mind was shot. I almost went into shock and almost had a seizure.

Currently I have no doctor and am buying my pills from the street, because I moved and I don't know of a doctor to go to at the moment, and I'm afraid even if I were to go, that it may be a doctor that doesn't prescribe xanax, or one that wants proof I have been taking them constantly through a script, which I don't have because for the past half year my girlfriend (who has insurance) was going to the doctor for me and getting me my script, and for a while now I have been getting them off the street.

I don't abuse them, I have no intention of it, they won't get me high. They make it possible for me to live normally. I tried to quit but the withdrawal syndrome just got worse and worse over the course of about three weeks. I looked on the internet and it said withdrawals can last for six months to two years depending on how much and how long you have taken them. My latest scripts were three 2mg pills daily. And I've been taking them for ten years, a time frame no benzo should ever be prescribed for. The withdrawals do everything short of kill me. It's almost as if, when in withdrawals, I'm on some kind of drug, well at least that's what people think. I am slow about things, my memory is extremely foggy, I have no idea how to have normal social interaction, I worry that the mental stress of the withdrawals are opening up my stomach ulcers because I was bleeding internally last time I was out for a while. I currently have some and am taking 1 mg a day to space them out.

In short, there is no way I can quit this drug. There is nothing wrong with it when I'm on it, so the only problem is the doctor's cost. I know some people think it's better to not be on medication and it would be benificial to quit taking them, I just don't see it happening. I can't live with that withdrawal feeling for six to twenty four months. My body aches, my brain is messed up, I have headaches, my anxiety goes through the roof and worst of all, I think it affects the ulcers in my stomach.

So there it is. I'm medically addicted to xanax. For the rest of my life I have to live knowing that to be able to laugh, to be able to enjoy anything, to have a normal life, I will have to take pills. If any of you are considering taking xanax or any other benzodiazapine, please don't do it. My life is now a constant worry of when I will run out and how I will get more. That considered, things will be better when I find a doctor, but still, I will have to rely on that doctor, to know that doctor will be there, so I can be at least the best person I can be.

I feel no different than a crack or heroin addict, with the exception of knowing xanax withdrawals are worse than heroin withdrawals, so maybe I'm worse. I'm ashamed of myself. But when I take the pill it all goes away. I might as well not even be living in the real world anymore. Look what has become of me. I was a broken man before, now I'm addled with the disease of addiction.

I'll never be that kid giggling and laughing down a waterslide again.

I am a shell of who I used to be. I have lost part of my soul, part of what makes me human. I have lost so much.
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Old 10-28-12, 01:13 AM   #2
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(((((((venom))))))
i hope u find a doctor and get better soon.
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Old 10-28-12, 01:38 PM   #3
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Thanks for posting. I want to say I've seen ideas tossed around to mitigate benzo withdrawal, though I'm not sure of specifics. General consensus would be to gradually taper down doses, in order to wean off addictive drugs. Not easy, but very possible.

Perhaps a doc would feel you still have a clinical need for a prescription, or have other alternatives. Definitely go that route when possible, although my personal experience, as well as a lot of research, stands in direct opposition of any clinical usefulness of benzos for long-term anxiety treatment. FWIW.
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Old 10-28-12, 02:18 PM   #4
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Thanks guys, I just really wanted everyone to know the horrors that being put on benzos can bring into your life. And @ tempered, yes a long term benzo treatment is very rare these days, doctors usually will give them to someone who has been traumatized/ect. for about a month or two at most and then they have to leave them alone, and that's how it should be. Being on benzos alters your brain chemistry and as long as I have been on them, its basically rewired my brain into the effect that it realizes when I don't have them something's wrong, and the withdrawals is the brain trying to push to correct that.
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Old 11-03-12, 09:17 AM   #5
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Aww V, I understand how you feel. 10 years is a long time, but it's not impossible to live without them. It's really not. I became addicted to Ativan and am now on something that's not addicting. It's not quite the same, but it helps a little, which is more than I thought it would. It's called Neurontin.

But a good pdoc will understand the withdrawal of benzo's, and may even prescribe them week by week, instead of monthly.
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Old 11-04-12, 05:59 AM   #6
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I was on neurontin. I had to kick that, it was costly and ineffective for me. Pretty much doctors have figured that I'm a rare case where long term benzo treatment is nessecary - My life isn't normal at all without them, I'm addled to the point of wishing death on myself. I've been through a gauntlet of meds and nothing seems to work for the many problems I have like a benzo. Ativan, that doesn't even work, it's not strong enough, the only other benzo that might work for me would probably be valium and it isn't strong enough either. It's sad to be a medical addict, but I can only accept it and live and thank god it isn't worse... somehow
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Old 11-04-12, 10:34 AM   #7
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((((venom))))) don't give up, they might find something else to help you. they're always coming out with new stuff, and i'm sure there are other things u haven't tried. ((((hugs))))
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Old 11-30-12, 08:50 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Venom View Post
I have been taking xanax for 10 years. When I first started taking it, it was nice. It made all my anxiety go away. I was no longer looking over my shoulder and thinking everyone was out to get me. No longer having panic attacks.

The second time I was put on probation, having been a Cheech & Chong level pothead, I wanted a high. An average good day was 7 2mg tablets. I was waking up in the floor with my pants pissed with no idea what I did the day before. I would pass out sometimes. My girlfriend tells me I would stop breathing in my sleep and she would have to hit me in the back hoping I would breathe again; thank God for her it worked, because I wouldn't want my death on her conscience.

After all of that I quit abusing the medication. I take it as I would any medication. But hard times came and there were times when I couldn't afford to go to the doctor. I would have to buy my pills on the street. If I didn't know where to get any, I would suffer from extreme withdrawals. The first time I was hospitalized for benzodiazapine withdrawal syndrome, I didn't know where I was, I barely knew my name. I was dellusional and had fake memories, fantasy and reality no longer had a barrier. I couldn't remember key things, like what my grandmother's name was, ect. My girlfriend took me to the hospital after hours of vomiting; I tried to drive and I was going to drive on the sidewalk. Long story short my mind was shot. I almost went into shock and almost had a seizure.

Currently I have no doctor and am buying my pills from the street, because I moved and I don't know of a doctor to go to at the moment, and I'm afraid even if I were to go, that it may be a doctor that doesn't prescribe xanax, or one that wants proof I have been taking them constantly through a script, which I don't have because for the past half year my girlfriend (who has insurance) was going to the doctor for me and getting me my script, and for a while now I have been getting them off the street.

I don't abuse them, I have no intention of it, they won't get me high. They make it possible for me to live normally. I tried to quit but the withdrawal syndrome just got worse and worse over the course of about three weeks. I looked on the internet and it said withdrawals can last for six months to two years depending on how much and how long you have taken them. My latest scripts were three 2mg pills daily. And I've been taking them for ten years, a time frame no benzo should ever be prescribed for. The withdrawals do everything short of kill me. It's almost as if, when in withdrawals, I'm on some kind of drug, well at least that's what people think. I am slow about things, my memory is extremely foggy, I have no idea how to have normal social interaction, I worry that the mental stress of the withdrawals are opening up my stomach ulcers because I was bleeding internally last time I was out for a while. I currently have some and am taking 1 mg a day to space them out.

In short, there is no way I can quit this drug. There is nothing wrong with it when I'm on it, so the only problem is the doctor's cost. I know some people think it's better to not be on medication and it would be benificial to quit taking them, I just don't see it happening. I can't live with that withdrawal feeling for six to twenty four months. My body aches, my brain is messed up, I have headaches, my anxiety goes through the roof and worst of all, I think it affects the ulcers in my stomach.

So there it is. I'm medically addicted to xanax. For the rest of my life I have to live knowing that to be able to laugh, to be able to enjoy anything, to have a normal life, I will have to take pills. If any of you are considering taking xanax or any other benzodiazapine, please don't do it. My life is now a constant worry of when I will run out and how I will get more. That considered, things will be better when I find a doctor, but still, I will have to rely on that doctor, to know that doctor will be there, so I can be at least the best person I can be.

I feel no different than a crack or heroin addict, with the exception of knowing xanax withdrawals are worse than heroin withdrawals, so maybe I'm worse. I'm ashamed of myself. But when I take the pill it all goes away. I might as well not even be living in the real world anymore. Look what has become of me. I was a broken man before, now I'm addled with the disease of addiction.
I think an addiction specialist might taper you down slowly off of the Xanax or substitute a longer acting benzo like Diazepam and taper you down that way. You may need to be tapered down over the course of months or years.

Quote:
I'll never be that kid giggling and laughing down a waterslide again.

I am a shell of who I used to be. I have lost part of my soul, part of what makes me human. I have lost so much.
I know exactly how you feel.
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Old 12-07-12, 04:49 AM   #9
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I know how you feel, I am currently trying to come off Xanax and it's like I can't win either way
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Old 12-15-12, 09:47 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Venom View Post
I have been taking xanax for 10 years. When I first started taking it, it was nice. It made all my anxiety go away. I was no longer looking over my shoulder and thinking everyone was out to get me. No longer having panic attacks.

The second time I was put on probation, having been a Cheech & Chong level pothead, I wanted a high. An average good day was 7 2mg tablets. I was waking up in the floor with my pants pissed with no idea what I did the day before. I would pass out sometimes. My girlfriend tells me I would stop breathing in my sleep and she would have to hit me in the back hoping I would breathe again; thank God for her it worked, because I wouldn't want my death on her conscience.

After all of that I quit abusing the medication. I take it as I would any medication. But hard times came and there were times when I couldn't afford to go to the doctor. I would have to buy my pills on the street. If I didn't know where to get any, I would suffer from extreme withdrawals. The first time I was hospitalized for benzodiazapine withdrawal syndrome, I didn't know where I was, I barely knew my name. I was dellusional and had fake memories, fantasy and reality no longer had a barrier. I couldn't remember key things, like what my grandmother's name was, ect. My girlfriend took me to the hospital after hours of vomiting; I tried to drive and I was going to drive on the sidewalk. Long story short my mind was shot. I almost went into shock and almost had a seizure.

Currently I have no doctor and am buying my pills from the street, because I moved and I don't know of a doctor to go to at the moment, and I'm afraid even if I were to go, that it may be a doctor that doesn't prescribe xanax, or one that wants proof I have been taking them constantly through a script, which I don't have because for the past half year my girlfriend (who has insurance) was going to the doctor for me and getting me my script, and for a while now I have been getting them off the street.

I don't abuse them, I have no intention of it, they won't get me high. They make it possible for me to live normally. I tried to quit but the withdrawal syndrome just got worse and worse over the course of about three weeks. I looked on the internet and it said withdrawals can last for six months to two years depending on how much and how long you have taken them. My latest scripts were three 2mg pills daily. And I've been taking them for ten years, a time frame no benzo should ever be prescribed for. The withdrawals do everything short of kill me. It's almost as if, when in withdrawals, I'm on some kind of drug, well at least that's what people think. I am slow about things, my memory is extremely foggy, I have no idea how to have normal social interaction, I worry that the mental stress of the withdrawals are opening up my stomach ulcers because I was bleeding internally last time I was out for a while. I currently have some and am taking 1 mg a day to space them out.

In short, there is no way I can quit this drug. There is nothing wrong with it when I'm on it, so the only problem is the doctor's cost. I know some people think it's better to not be on medication and it would be benificial to quit taking them, I just don't see it happening. I can't live with that withdrawal feeling for six to twenty four months. My body aches, my brain is messed up, I have headaches, my anxiety goes through the roof and worst of all, I think it affects the ulcers in my stomach.

So there it is. I'm medically addicted to xanax. For the rest of my life I have to live knowing that to be able to laugh, to be able to enjoy anything, to have a normal life, I will have to take pills. If any of you are considering taking xanax or any other benzodiazapine, please don't do it. My life is now a constant worry of when I will run out and how I will get more. That considered, things will be better when I find a doctor, but still, I will have to rely on that doctor, to know that doctor will be there, so I can be at least the best person I can be.

I feel no different than a crack or heroin addict, with the exception of knowing xanax withdrawals are worse than heroin withdrawals, so maybe I'm worse. I'm ashamed of myself. But when I take the pill it all goes away. I might as well not even be living in the real world anymore. Look what has become of me. I was a broken man before, now I'm addled with the disease of addiction.

I'll never be that kid giggling and laughing down a waterslide again.

I am a shell of who I used to be. I have lost part of my soul, part of what makes me human. I have lost so much.
I really feel for you. I was prescribed Temazepam and Diazepam for a lot of years (I'm a former Heroin addict). It really is one of the most unpleasant withdrawals you can go through.

I really don't know how to offer anything that will help you feel better? All I can say is that it is possible to get through the withdrawal. I was on 4x10mg Diazepam and 2x20mg Temazepam a day when I stopped.


If you want to talk about it, I'm happy to help any way I can.
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