I'm Afraid I Might Have Bpd :(
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I'm Afraid I Might Have Bpd :(

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Old 12-13-15, 01:13 PM   #1
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About 2 years ago my ex boyfriend said he thought I had BPD but he was very abusive towards me. I'm not sure if he said this to try to hurt me or what, but it kinda stuck with me. When I was dignosed for Bi-polar they didn't do any tests but I went to the hospital my first time cause one of my boyfriend's broke up with me. I completely fell apart and went in there for 3 or 4 days. I was 19 at the time and at the time I remember i was depressed, my stomach ached so badly cause i was worrying so much. My stomach hurt so badly from me constantly worrying and I couldn't get to sleep cause I had a feeling like my ex boyfriend was cheating on me. When he broke up with me, I just wanted to end my life....I had no reason for living anymore. Since than I've been through break-up's and I never ended up back in the hospital again but I do get depressed when someone leaves me. When I was younger I was sexually abused by my father and I was 8 years old. I suffer with PTSD and it still continues to haunt me sometimes but my therapist tries to make me to work past it but I don't feel like I'm over my past again. It's like I'm constantly re-living events in my life over and over again. Always thinking about my father abusing me, being bullied in High School, how people were so cruel to me, saying mean things to me and I feel so depressed and lonely. All I want is friends close where I live but I have no friends cause I'm afraid they won't want to deal with someone like me. I have too many problems, I'm constantly crying and feeling sorry for myself all the time. When I was in my 20's, I did have a lot of momets where I felt extremly confident, happy and I actually loved being myself and everyone saw me as having it together. I felt like I had no problems or worries, I felt like I was high on life. Than I would crash later on and I felt extremely depressed and wondered what in the world happened to that happy girl I was awhile ago. Around this time I made friends with someone at my work place and I had a credit card and I spent a lot of money on things, we went on vacation to the keys, I drank but overtime I knew it was too much and I told my friend at the time that I had to cool down cause I don't want to become an alocholic so I stopped drinking which I think was good. He however continued to drink and it caused a problem for us, we were living together and would want to get drunk and want me to talk to him about his problems every single night and if I went to bed... he got angry. He was indeed an alcoholic but now he's fine and doesn't drink as much anymore which I think is good.

One year later I dated someone and he abused me emotionally and verbally and it truamatized me. However there were times I would freak out if he wouldn't answer my texts, I cut myself once cause he promised he would come over to see me and it was taking too long for him to come over and I told him I was going to get a ride to another town that's close to our city and go get drugs, I was yelling at him on the phone and I was completely losing it. Whenever this happened I felt horrible about it, I didn't understand why I was acting so crazy. Than I sobbed and I felt like I was just like how my father was and thought I was an abuser but I wasn't calling him names or trying to bring him down. I simply wanted to leave work and for him to get me and if he didn't come get me I would freak out. Not sure why I wanted to leave work so badly, but at the time he was so distance towards me and he played guitar a lot which is fine, but I felt as if he didn't love me or something. He was so emotionally distant and I wanted love from him. My ex boyfriend continued this for a whole year causing me to fight with him a lot and I thought I was losing my mind. Than he told me that I had BPD but he was so emotionally distant and didn't even act like he loved me at all. As time went on things got worse and he only seemed close to me when we made love. We made love and than two days later he broke up with me and told me that I was bringing him down and everything was my fault. Than a year later passed by and he told me he was possessed by a demon... I can't believe I fell for this and told me he wanted another chance, I gave him another chance but he ended up emotionally and verbally abusing me. Everything was much worse, I thought the first year was bad, but now this 2nd time I went back to him was even much worse. I got angry at him and told him how I rode my bike home in the pouring down rain when he broke up with me and he couldn't even offer me a ride home. He apologized and cried for forgivness. I forgave him but things gradually got worse, I won't go into further detail though cause it's quite triggering. He said a lot of mean things to me and told me how I tell everyone my life problems but I feel as if I do that cause i just want someone to listen to me, I want someone who cares. We ended up breaking up however and I got rid of him thankfully and I still suffer from the abuse he caused me. Recently I just got out of another abusive relationship and that too still lingers on my mind.....

I often think about suicide a lot but I never go through with it, I don't go on shopping spree's anymore and I used to abuse drugs but I stopped. Thankfully which I didn't do is sleep around with random people, I've read about BPD and this is one thing I don't do. I want to be in a serious relationship and I want someone to love me and appreciate me before I do anything like that. I don't think I could ever sleep around with random people, I respect myself too much. I know I do get angry sometimes, mostly at my family cause I feel as if they don't truly understand or support me eough. However when it comes to friends, I don't fight with them at all. I only fight with people when I'm hurt or if I feel like I'm being ignored or they don't care about me. In relationship's I try to avoid fights as much as possible but I do get worried sometimes that they'll abandon me or that they'll try to abuse me cause I'm so paranoid from being abused before. I posted this up here cause I see a lot of similarities in bi-polar which I was dignosed with. One of my relationships I was in, I only yelled at him one time when he didn't answer his phone.....I don't know why I freaked out on him but like again I only do this when I feel like they're leaving me or it could be cause of the abuse I've been through. My ex boyfriend would constantly ignore my phone calls a lot. He would go through times where he would disappear and wouldn't answer his phone when I called and than he would come back to me and say how sorry he was and end up blaming me saying he was angry at me for being friends with other guys. He ignored me for weeks cause of this, he wouldn't call me or anything and I e-mailed him and he told me everything would be fine if I stopped talking to other guys as friends or didn't hang out with other guys and I'm a very friendly person. So now anytime I call someone and they don't pick up they're phone I like go through so much anxiety, depression and feel like they'll end up ignoring me like my ex boyfriend. I'm not sure what I have is considered borderline or if it's PTSD or what, but I'll say one thing I do have abandonment issues but I haven't talked it over with my therapist yet. Just recently the same thing happened, my most recent ex boyfriend I dated which ended up being my 2nd abuser didn't answer his phone and I told him I wanted to end my life...and I feel like it's possible I might have some BPD symptoms. I hate how I always freak out, I just want this to stop and quit worrying about if a person doesn't answer they're phone that I shouldn't be so quickly to jump to conclusions. Sorry for this long post, but I had to get this out. Thank you.
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Old 12-14-15, 04:26 AM   #2
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Well, BPD and borderline share a lot of simmilarities. It happens to psychologist ffail to diagnose BPD and diagnose bipolar instead.

Ok, so, when you're on your lows, and something good happens, does that change your mood? And if you're feeling really good, and something bad happens, does that make you depressed?
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Old 12-14-15, 04:01 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by Shacke View Post
Well, BPD and borderline share a lot of simmilarities. It happens to psychologist ffail to diagnose BPD and diagnose bipolar instead.

Ok, so, when you're on your lows, and something good happens, does that change your mood? And if you're feeling really good, and something bad happens, does that make you depressed?
When I'm sad, I usually stay sad for awhile. People try to cheer me up and talk me out of being depressed but I continue to cry and usually want to be left alone. I don't like being around people when I'm feeling depressed.

And when I'm happy I love being around people and usually very social and full of life.

I usually am happy during the spring & summer cause I love the sun and being out in the sun makes me very happy. However during the fall & winter is when I'm most likely to get more depressed days. However I don't get voices in my head and I heard with bi-polar disorder people usually get voices in there head but I never had voices in my head or anything like that. Is this abnormal? Does everyone with bi-polar get voices in there head?

I'm not trying to diagnose myself but it could be a thing where I could have seasonal effective disorder too. But I know I have PTSD cause I think about my past a lot and sometimes I'm easily triggered by things but I meditate to try to relax myself and exercise and eat healthy. And I stay away from toxic people. I try to be with people who lift me up cause I don't like being around people who like to voice and who are constantly screaming. It really stresses me out and kinda angers me. It's like I want to stop it or fight or something, cause I'm afraid what might happen. And I've always been a person who hates yelling and people who wants to fight, I try to avoid fights as much as possible. When people fight with me I usually end up getting upset and cry. The only time I get angry is when people hurt my feelings really badly cause I've feel as if they're trying to abuse me or something.

Please write back soon.
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Old 12-15-15, 10:55 AM   #4
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Originally Posted by BlueWeepingRose View Post
When I'm sad, I usually stay sad for awhile. People try to cheer me up and talk me out of being depressed but I continue to cry and usually want to be left alone. I don't like being around people when I'm feeling depressed.

And when I'm happy I love being around people and usually very social and full of life.

I usually am happy during the spring & summer cause I love the sun and being out in the sun makes me very happy. However during the fall & winter is when I'm most likely to get more depressed days. However I don't get voices in my head and I heard with bi-polar disorder people usually get voices in there head but I never had voices in my head or anything like that. Is this abnormal? Does everyone with bi-polar get voices in there head?

I'm not trying to diagnose myself but it could be a thing where I could have seasonal effective disorder too. But I know I have PTSD cause I think about my past a lot and sometimes I'm easily triggered by things but I meditate to try to relax myself and exercise and eat healthy. And I stay away from toxic people. I try to be with people who lift me up cause I don't like being around people who like to voice and who are constantly screaming. It really stresses me out and kinda angers me. It's like I want to stop it or fight or something, cause I'm afraid what might happen. And I've always been a person who hates yelling and people who wants to fight, I try to avoid fights as much as possible. When people fight with me I usually end up getting upset and cry. The only time I get angry is when people hurt my feelings really badly cause I've feel as if they're trying to abuse me or something.

Please write back soon.
Well, I'm not really shure about Seasonal affective disorder, but most of people react different to different times of year. I mean, take a look at random people on the street. Are they the same during summer and winter? Mainly due to lack of daylight. So, of course it affects people like us.

Now, BPD and bipolar... first of all, I'm in no way profesional, I just love reading about human brain and how it works, and most of my sources are either schoolbooks or internet, so please don't take anything I say way too seriusly. But like I said before, BPD and bipolar are both often missdiagnosed. And fact that some people can have both of them at the same time makes it really tricky to diagnose either one of them.

So, here's the general descrition of both:


Bipolar disorder
Also known as "Manic depression" for a long time is disorder with 2 main phases. Mania, and depression. Mania is characterized by high mood, reckless behaviour, feeling of power, and people in manic episodes will often make big plans or start projects they can't finish.
On the other side there's depression. Well, I guess we all know what it is. Low mood, feeling hopeles, and... you know the rest.
Each episode lasts atleast a couple of days, but can last up to several years. Also, mood is more or less stable, so people with bipolar won't change their mood much based on external factors. Also, there isn't sudden change from mania to depression or other way around. People with bipolar slowly clim from deepest depression to 'normal' state, then all the way to the mania. But slowly. So, there are episodes where neither mania nor depression are present.


Borderline personality disorder:
Well, like name says, it's personality disorder, which means it's realtivly consistent pattern of behaviour and thinking. Also known as "Emotional instability disorder", name which gives pretty much all the explanation you need. Characterized by instable moods, reckless behaviour, and often fallowed by low confidence and unstable self-image. Usual symptoms are fear of abandonment, unstable relationships, extreme mood swings lasting from couple of hours, up to couple of days, feeling of emptiness, anger outbursts...


TLDR: the deifferences:
BPD has shorter and much more exteme mood swings than bipolar
BPD mood swings are usually reaction to external factors, while mood swings in bipolar are mostly uneffected by the former
People with BPD are much more likely to get angry for trivial things
BPD is charaterized by fear of abondement and emptiness
People with BPD are usually very sensitive to critism
People with BPD often idealise others, so once they are forced to face the reality, they get really disapointed
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Old 12-15-15, 10:58 AM   #5
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Also, what do you mean by voices? Like, you really hear them, or they're just in your head, but you know they aren't real?
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Old 12-16-15, 11:22 PM   #6
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Also, what do you mean by voices? Like, you really hear them, or they're just in your head, but you know they aren't real?
No I don't hear voices but I know people who are dignosed with bi-polar when they have mania they hear voices inside they're head. I don't hear voices in my head and never have.
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