I don't even think of fun stuff anymore because I think it's frivolous. Like I wanted to read something that wasn't academic and I just am re-reading an book I remember from childhood that I had for free on my kindle from years ago. And food. Every time I eat I think how it's going to affect me, is it healthy, if not then it's not worth eating. When I want to go somewhere I make a " circle list" to get all things I need to do within the circle that I have to travel, to save gas, and time and money. I only want to watch documentaries. I get annoyed at TV and movies, once again, i want to learn something. Everything I do now is to improve myself, and there's no will or desire for anything fun. My husband spent most of the weekend at my ex-friends' house. I don't go there, too much junkfood, and people eating for entertainment. And watching TV. And drinking. All I can see is time I can be fixing my yard, reading another book about health, or watching another cool documentary. I call them ex-friends because I used to go with my husband. Now I don't want to see them, or talk. Actually I don't talk to anyone except my kids( adults) and my husband if he's around. And I can see he's annoyed. I wish I could stop being so practical, but when I try I find myself listing in my head what productive things I could and should be doing, then I get irritable, and jittery and I just want to go back home and start on my projects. Everything I do has to be done right. I can't even watch other people cook. Because in my head I'm like " there's a more efficient way to do that"
I have bipolar. But currently not taking meds, because I was freaking out while taking them recently, so I figure why am I taking them if they aren't stopping me from freaking out?
So this has been gradually building up and getting more noticeable over the last two years. And I just got my CBT book out of archives...but I can't seem to apply it because it doesn't seem to address my issue. I feel like I am watching myself drive everyone away with my behavior and it's out of my control.
Btw...I won't see a psychiatrist again. Huge loss of trust there.