ieatwings

honestly, i detest being korean. you have no idea... i do a lot of shit that's probably weird.

if i had a choice, i wouldn't have been born korean. i was born in the wrong ethnicity. i know i sound like a crazy person... but these are my honest feelings.

since i was young, i always felt there was something really off about me socially. like i was a black sheep amount white sheep. i have never been able to keep a korean friend, they all eventually decide to stay away from me.

i've always have been making friends with other races, usually white. and i always had more fun with them compared to being with koreans.

sometime in middle school, i entered a korean church. since the 7 years i've been there, i've never made a close friend. it was always small talk and no real attempt to get to know me. i was active in trying to get to know people, converse with them, attend retreats, etc. but it seemed as if no one wanted to be my friend. i dated a boy there and after i broke it off with him, my isolation increased. i was labeled in their heads as 'his ex' and no one was interested in befriending me.

i finally left that awful church. i found them too judgmental and too stuck in their norms and isolated anyone who didn't fit within them.

other stuff:
1. i find their sense of humor too cute-sie and stupid. when i crack a crude, morbid joke they get all quiet and give me the weird look.
2. i hate the language. it's so fucking whiny. "opppppppaaaaaa" (like STFU)
3. they have no filter, especially when it comes down to physical appearances.
4. a lot of them are party animals. i like peace and quiet, staying at home.
5. i butt heads with a lot of cultural beliefs, example: modern medicine is a no. to me, it's a yes.
6. they have no shame in starring, i hate that.
7. whenever my parents want us to meet their friends and kids, i'm like NO. fuck that.
8. my boyfriend tells me i often forget i'm asian. i say stuff like "yeahhh, we white people..." and he's like "__, you're asian..."
9. whenever korean person starts talking to me (like asking for directions), i get annoyed that i have to speak korean to them. i'm embarassed that i probably sound very rude to them because i'm not that fluent.

the biggest slap in the face my parents ever gave was when i was crying for help because i was depressed and they didn't help me. they told me stuff like, depressed people are crazy. toughen up. modern medicine is bad. instead they made me feel like some complicated shit. in some sense, i have a hard time forgiving them for it.

...i know not all people of an ethnicity are the same... i'm sure one day i'll meet a lifelong friend who is korean. i guess the ones i've come across here in georgia have just been jerks...

i know i sound fucking insane....

Blue Girl

some of the stuff you mentioned is stuff i think many non-korean people do.
like feeling out-of-place at a church, i think that happens to lots of people. being told there is something wrong with being depressed, to toughen up, i think u find that everywhere. are there a lot of koreans where you live, or is it a pretty small group?

Obese Oscar

Who cares? I never understood why people felt shame or pride about the breed of human they just so happen to be.

rememberthegirl

No, I don't hate my ethnicity. I'm proud of it. But it makes me angry as how others view my people (I'm Aboriginal Australian)...there's terrible racism in Australia. It makes me sick.

__________________
For beauty is always cruel...

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer."

ieatwings

@bluegirl:
yes, there are lots of koreans where i live. I live in atlanta. i guess i'm not explaining my feelings well, sorry i'm not the best writer. it's not just the whole church thing, it's more. like, everyday feelings towards the koreans i come across. i try and make myself as unkorean as possible. i feel there is something wrong with the level of detest i have towards being korean, you know? it probably sounds stupid. i'll shut up

@obese oscar:
...you're banned? i can't respond back? i wish i could say 'who cares' but it's gotten harder and harder to deal with :( it raises my anxiety, if that makes sense.

@rememberthegirl:
it's good that you are proud. i wish i could say that same about myself. sorry about the racism in australia, that really stinks.

rememberthegirl

My thoughts are that oscar has never actually personally experienced anything race related... But he's not here anymore to elaborate.

Thanks :) I never used to be this way..I wash ashamed when I was younger. I hope that you manage to sort it out though. Bet of luck :)

__________________
For beauty is always cruel...

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer."

Blue Girl

it doesn't sound stupid, i think there is probably some reason u feel this way

SensualGirl

I know how you feel. I too hate my ethnicity (African American). I would kill to be a Latina or better yet white. People always say black women are the ugliest women on the planet. For example, guys who want to marry foreign women because they're seen as more submissive go to Latina America, Asian, and Eastern Europe. They don't go to Africa or the Caribbean. That's because we're ugly. We're too dark and our hair is horrible and nappy. No other race has such horrible hair, it's like God hates us. Everyone else has hair that's presentable and just a matter of wash and go. Meanwhile we pay hundreds in many cases thousands of dollars a month on weaves and wigs and tight braids and dreadlocking and painful burning relaxers (hair straightening products). I think I would be seen as hotter by black guys if I was mixed, Latina, or white.

I also don't get along with my ethnicity, the boys yeah, but at least not the girls. Everyone says black women are domineering and aggressive and I've noticed that. There are obnoxious white women but there seems to be a preponderance of obnoxious black women. I don't have any black female friends. We just don't gel. They're also on the uptight, prudish side (at least the middle class ones) and tend to slut-shame. So I too am the black sheep of the group.

I don't like being called African American, because it's like I'm not a "real" American. Whites aren't called European Americans so it's like this is their country or something and not mine. I don't like that, so I call myself black. But then there's all the stereotypes of being a black American. Even Africans like the ones in my family look down on black Americans.

So you're not alone. I wish I could help you. I'll say look on the bright side, at least you don't have nappy hair. At least you don't have to wear a wig or singe your hair straight, or put it in braids so tight you have to take Advil for three days after getting your hair done. At least there aren't so many negative stereotypes directed towards your group, like lazy, hostile, criminal, and stupid. But I feel your pain, because this is something that can't be changed.

Maybe practice Radical Acceptance through DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy). Google it.

Monster in the Brain

I don't think you sound insane at all. I don't know if it's the same thing, but I've always been ashamed of being white. I'm a very light-skinned Latina, and I feel like I'm not allowed to be a part of that culture. I know Hispanics come in a variety of colors, but a lot of people are still ignorant. I've been told that I'm "not really Latina" by many people of many races and ethnicities. I want to be proud of who I am and where I come from, but I feel like I'm not allowed to be.

The worst is when my white friends start making offensive jokes about Hispanics to me, thinking that my skin color makes it ok. No, it's not ok to ask me to mow your lawn or clean your house. It's ridiculous.

Anyway, I think it's normal for some people to reject their cultures. Just because you were nurtured in a certain environment doesn't mean that it jives with your nature.

Molurus Bivittatus

I am mixed race and proud. I am Romany Gypsy, Spanish, Norwegian and Cornish. I view the world as my home and not the county I was born in. I have the dark hair, large eyes and bone structure of the Romany and the pale skin of the Norwegian, where my eye colour comes from is anyone's guess but they are different. I was bullied at school and the other kids would laugh at me and call me gypo. But I grew up proud and I think that is because my mum is proud of it to and my family are a real league of nations.
-----One thing it has taught me is that I am who I am and you either like it or you do not. You are who you are and if others can not accept you for who you are, then keep going until you do find people who will accept you. We are all humans after all. I will take people as I find then and if we get on fine and we do not that is fine to. Just do not harass me because I am different from you, just move on and I will do the same. This my take on it anyway. I hope this helps in some small way.