yesterday...

ButterflyChaos · 02-20-2010, 11:21 AM

I feel like dying.
Really really lonely and empty.
The thing is, with Borderline I just have to live with it - it won't go away. I will have to live with an unsteady self-identity and having a hard time with relationships to others.
I will have these problems with controlling impulses and intense feelings.
Is it worth it?
I don't know...

ButterflyChaos · 02-22-2010, 06:27 AM

I'm just waiting for the time to pass, in about two hour we'll head to the airport and tonight I'll be in LONDON!
It's gonna be fun, I hope. I miss some friends by now and I'm stressed over schoolwork, but it'll be OK. I hope to meet Kriss soon after I get back on friday again, haven't seen him since last weekend I think (why does that feel like forever?). ANd then next friday I'll have my birthday party which hopefully will be a blast. I'm glad things haven't changed between us since he's got a girlfriend (a couple of days ago)... Now I haven't got anything interesting to say so I'll shut up.

ButterflyChaos · 02-26-2010, 10:07 AM

Right, I'm back from London!
My lower legs feel beaten with a hammer or something, last night in London I got food poisoning and had to spend half the night in the toilet and this morning I fainted on the stone-floor - hitting my head in the door and my legs against the hard floor. Only thing I've got in me today was a little tea this morning, a diet coke and some caramels on the airport (when i finally felt a little better). I'm still light-headed though I've drunk hot cocoa too.
Fought alot with dad, he called me a bitch and I've felt pretty much useless and stupid the whole time. Typical my vacations, I can't get away from the anxiety and I felt like dying. Still kinda do...
Now I'm cuddling with my little ratie, he's so cute. I've miseed him and I've missed being alone and (ofc) kriss&all of my internet-buddies.
I think I saw everything worth seeing in London though - London Dungeon, Madame Tussaudes, The London Eye, Big Ben, Buckingham Palace, Hyde Park, Towern.... Yeah, the list goes on.
Now I'm fucking exhausted. I think I'll go get some sleep early tonight.

ButterflyChaos · 02-27-2010, 11:20 AM

Today have been OK so far, been to Copenhagen with katja&Cici. They're fun to hang out with. Bought myself a bottle of Smirnoff and 4 cans of beer for my birthdayparty on friday. Hopefully I will stop myself from drinking it all myself. Eh, I'll probably give Kriss a beer or two and a couple of drinks.
I hope the party will be nice, maybe I'll be able to get a local to be in, otherwise it'll be our small apartment - but that works too.

The last couple of weeks I've been having these thoughts about going out and buying carpet knives(my old favourite) and harm myself again. Often I feel "what's the point in resisting, in fighting?".
On the train on my way home I thought about calling my old therapist, but then I wondered how she ever could heal me? Nothing have worked so far, not AD's and not Dialectic Behaviour Therapy (DBT). I've fought for so long, it just feels so hopeless, y'know?
I just doubt anything can cure me from these thoughts and random bouts of anxiety. Is it Borderline Personality Disorder at all and can I get a happy, functional life? Maybe I should try another AD, tough they've all made me feel worse..? *sigh*
I've read on sites about Borderline that it can be treated with low doses of antipsychotics to help with stabilizing my mood... But that seems scary too, am I really Borderline? I do fit in that category I guess, but still feels odd, y'know? it's for LIFE.
I feel like drinking into oblivion.

ButterflyChaos · 02-27-2010, 03:09 PM

My stomach hruts like crazy, my back hurts too and my mind is in pain as well.
Is there really no place in this world for me?
I can't find my way back. I can not feel any warmth.
Is there really no one out there for me?
I don't feel close anymore.
Do you know what it's like to not being able to cope no matter how much you try? I do. That's why I've given up so many times. Have tried to kill myself and the pictures in my mind sometimes haunt me, encouraging me to complete the job I failed to do.

I don't want to live by coping, I'm done with hoping. Besides, I can't cope so why bother living? ... End.

ButterflyChaos · 02-28-2010, 07:19 AM

I'm just so sad. I should be studying but I don't feel like it& just too tired.
I don't have the energy to worry about school right now, my whole life feels like it's going under, so I don't have the capacity to just change my grades or my concentration...
If I don't do anything drastical I need to make some contact with the mental health for children-department, 'cause I can't live like this. I can't live a life so dependant on my emotions that it causes disability in the day-to-day life.
I can't live in constant intense ups&downs(mostly downs) and be suicidal every other day, can't live with paralysing anxiety. I NEED HELP.

ButterflyChaos · 02-28-2010, 12:15 PM

I've been in bed all of today. I've mostly watched telly and sitting here. Have also drawn a portrait of Kate Moss which I'm pretty proud over. Not done any homework though but I can't be bothered right now... I'm binging on ice cream....>_<

ButterflyChaos · 02-28-2010, 05:46 PM

Uhm, yeah... I have to wake up in six hours to go to school.. And I'm not the least bit tired. I don't look forward to school at all. It's just... bland and boring and I'm failing... And can't be bothered with it anyway.
I feel like drinking my bottle of smirnoff... Or atleast a bit of it. But I should save it, I know I know, it's bad for me and whatnot. I just want to forget. Everything.

ButterflyChaos · 02-28-2010, 06:53 PM

I'm worrying as usual. About meeting Kriss long-distance girlfriend during easter holiday. I'm scared she won't like me or even hating me and that I'll destroy their relationship somehow or .. I don't know. I just dread meeting her.
I need to go up at 6 am, which is in 5 hours... This sucks, it all sucks. Anxiety heading my way, as usual. Drinks anyone?

ButterflyChaos · 03-01-2010, 02:13 PM

I'm happy today! Mostly because I've been shopping, YEY! I found a dress I feel comfortable in and that I don't feel like a elephant in! And I didn't burn all my money either! And me&Katja&Cici have started on our project work for next year, which we all are very passionate about.
I love these days!
But always when I looked at my face in the mirror I just felt... fugly.
And couldn't find a bra, so irritating, never have my size in ordinary stores like H&M, I have to go too Change and pay double the prize for a good bra. Sucks!
Anyway, My b-dayparty is settled on friday at 7, lovely, and on thursday(MY BIRTHDAY) we'll go and see Alice in WOnderland 3D, Katja's paying as my b-day present. Trying to stick to the positives, I hate those godawful crashes.