hey! i dont know how to even start or what to say. for this matter im gonna keep my thoughts simple. and please FORGIVE ME if by any means im trying to define u, underestimate abilities,or question ur purpose.
im just a woman a lonely woman whose lost her sense of direction and therefore the purpose of her life. that much is clear.. everything else is just a blur..
as u well known my life i grew up extremely catholic,and any dispute about this matter will only be an imbecile blasphemy! i always thought i had my thoughts in order, clear and without need of reason. u simply were... and that was enough for me. i miss the feeling of comfort and trust i use to have when i thought of you... i just knew u were my father and will take care of my matter regardless how busy u were. i also used to believe that there was a reason why u existed... i mean the perfection of the world cannot be just a matter of some star dust with hidrogen and helium to make this universe.. our existence is beyond a big bang, moreover more complex than adan and eve.
it was satisfied with my life, with the porpuse of it. i knew the things i had to work on.. just like everybody else has issues, and blah blah blah.. u know what i mean?? today im completely devastated with confusion. i have an identity crisis, no i think is more of an existential one!! i have no fucking idea what to do whatsoever. i use to know my way around my life. when u thought me the narrow path was the one worthy of sacrifice, the one that will lead me to redemption and finally make me happy... it suffice me!!! DAMN IT!! why is different now??? what happened to me?? why are u not there??? why did u let me go so far from you?? why did i let my self become this?? YES right the power of free will!! hey i know that!!! i believe in it, in fact i advocate that!! but i can feel you anymore.. im lost.. i feel like a dumb child to be doing this.. who am i kidding?? WHAT THE FUCK??? (sorry, i know one of the commandments is to fear and respect you) but i can seem to figure my self out..
i never thought of suicide simply because i was afraid of ur judgement. afraid that if gave up, u were waisted ur time giving me the oportunity to acomplish my porpuse.. i didnt wanted to fail you after seeing the fate of so many other ppl in the world. i could considermyself happy that i havent edured half their life`s challenges.. that makes me even more angry!! to feel ungrateful.!!! **sights** please God, i hope u understand in the dismal place i am right now. whay did Neil made me question you so much?? why did i let his doubts and fears get to me?? why did his life inpacted me so much to the pt of believing that u truly dont exist and that we are we made ourselves believe we are?? . i should of understood this was a test, and i failed bad.. i never felt the pleasure of reassurance again.. the spark is just gone.. i feel lonely and cold and so vulnerable.. but i have a very very little light in my heart that tells me u are real, and im not falling for the scientific definition of you : God is plausable. but u know what? science has toughted me once and again that someone like u has to be behind such beauty. .. when i study chemistry and acid and bases, they biochemical paths, the particles and their chemical forces.. the flowers and their color, the landscapes.. i mean the world itself. beyond beautiful its meant to be that way in order to continue the cycle of life.. WOW!! polination has a porpuse, so are fruits and their sweet taste, and Humans!! we are quite amazing animals!! taking in consideration that we only use about 2% of our total capability of intelligence. eheheh Albert Einsten used only 10% and i mean a genius that guy was!! lol so i dont feel so bad about my homble 2% lol!! i chose to be a doctor and a biochemist because i can only worship ur job, i can only contemplate the miracle of life.. and the many beautiful things we were given...BUT WAY THEN ITS SO COMPLICATED TO BE HAPPY WITH SUCH MAGNIFICENT WORLD??? why do we feel?? why is it so hard to trust?? give ur heart away and not knowing how to get it back?? what about dissapointment?? and cynicism ??? betrayal?? why? i once said to ppl when this questions were brought to me attention." because without betrayal is no forgiveness, without pain is not love, without failure there is no hope,without bad there will never be good, without this there is no porpuse at all" i said it with such conviction and passion. i believed it!!! i was so proud when jehova witnesses, and other religions tried to question my religion and asked me "why do u think ur religion is the true one?" and i always answered. " because mine has the fundaments on love.. and everything in life is derived from that sole porpuse, not matter how trivial ur life is, it all comes down to love. and jesus died for love, god made this world for love.love doesnt hurt!! and that is how i discern from good to evil, because u see when u look at something more than once look at it the same. when u do somthing with love in the porpuse, it has to be the right thing. there is the balance of power and exitence. and thats why i choose u as my source of life!!
then one day i thought.. "fear comes from lack of knowledge" faith fills the gap of ignorance" oh God please forgive me for daring this quesions.. but they ponder on my soul, day after day after day... leaving me even more puzzled.. i read about the davinci code (i know the true facts, yet its pretty easy to have invented ur existence and the bible too) i also read the theory about the turim shroud. ( the correlation with Davinci`s works ... i cant feel you!! i dont know why im so lost.. i dont even wish to die.. there is no comfort on that thougth eiter!!! how dim is that!!????
i hate humans, like delta says "the humanies" LOL she is pretty hillarious u know?? humans are so irritating!! im no way superior than they are, im rather grounded in those terms.. i consider my self an animal with more gray matter.. lol a manimal!!
!! i should not feel anything all together.. i cant feel you. im to lonely and scare to continue believing.. im dying inside... i try to see you in the sky, in the cool breeze, in the beautiful flowers, and a baby`s innocent face, in the simple things of life that light my heart.. i think i have lost you.. im scared.. please dont go.. whoever u are..... i wanna feel u again!!! please dont leave me... i dont want to feel this way no more.
love you? i want to so bad!! i just cant figure u out right now..
strawberry.
