who are you?

strawberry bitch · 07-26-2009, 02:18 PM

its just complucated to even start describing what i feel.. i`ve lived in a dark place for as long as i can remember... my thougts always take the best of me.. over rational.. to the very detail.. its made my life to lack a porpuse.. i get so cought up in my self.. like an laberynth,.. have no clue how to get out.. my thougts are disjointed.. non congruent at times.. some ppl say im a very bright at what i do, that perhaps its the reason im so umcomprehended... but.. what have i done??? i have no clue at this moment... i need clarity, i need ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i was born in a 3rd world country... where a standard norm of " culture" is deep rooted on every body... i was born 23 yrs ago..

about my family... its xtremely complex lol!!! but this is a good oportunity to get all this shit out and finally get some peace in quiet in my head.

MY Grams: she had a very traumatic life.. she was born extemely poor, in a family of 24 siblings (xtreme catholic no contraceptives) ... only 5 of them survived...the other little angels passed away from starvation.. my great grandma was a diabetic..she died of an overdose of insuline..(some say that the woman who applyed it, did it on porpuse becuase she liked my greatgrandpa.. i`ll never now. so my granma was an orphan since she was 7.. she had to take over the shores of the house and was never able to get an education.. nor having a normal life ... she became the housewive... yrs later she met this guy .. (my biological granpa) and she deeply fell in love for him..she got pregnant (she didnt even know how woman got pregnant lol!! i always thought it was hallarious) her oldest sister found out when she was 4 months ... this guy promessed her the sky and the earth.. he was just as poor, and never wanted to marry.(in my granmas time, a single mother was dishonored by society) an abortion abviously not an option... she then had my aunt... still poor.. still in the dumps... 2 yrs later.... the unexpected happened..she was pregnant AGAIN! my grams was suicidal.. she did not wanted the baby due to her circumstances.. she tried to abort it.,, several times.. she despiced it..her plans werent succesful.. and my mom was born... at the moment of delivery, there was a mild earthquake in the city,, having so many ppl screaming.. my mom almost lost her hearing.. another burden for my grams to bare. about 7 yrs later my moms biological father left them in the absolute poverty and married a lawyer. he wanted $$ and status! my grams was all by herself with 2 kids to take care of. there were no rules back in the days, no child support no courts.. nothing. so she had to pick the pieces of her broken hearth and tried to make a life for my aunt and mom..she was evicted from different houses a couple of times..cuz she could not pay rent..., she had to be roomate of prostitutes and crackheads.. ironically they were the only ones who gave her a hand,. she helped them doing the shores of the house.. the only skill my grams mastered..accidentally my biological grandpa moved close to where my granma was living... when my aunt and mom walked to school (3miles each way,) he was sitting on the hood of his new car smoking a cigarrete and ignoring them completely... he negated them.. they made part of an embarrasing past he was not willing to go back to.

.. i need to calm down for a minute.. brb

strawberry bitch · 08-05-2009, 11:17 PM

my grandma found "someone" that could make her life a bit more stable and settled.. (i consider him my real granpa, he is the only one i knew) ...i dont know i think about that "settle" thing.. it makes me think about indian marriages... should the head choose whats pertain`s to the heart?? <--- even if the chances are 50/50 This days... how can i bet my future on that??? idk.. my grams learned to love my grampa.. i love him dearly too.. they never had kids of their own.

some yrs later.. when my mom was 17, misfortune stroked again. my mom was raped she was a virgin.. never had a b/f before.. i can only imagine how scared she was... i cry every time i think about it.. she was a really quiet child, she never really bothered to speak her mind, she was so...pure should i say? idk... its hard to describe what i feel..
my grandma was so furious.. she wanted her to get an abortion " damn culture!!! is not the fact that she was going to do it or not, is the fact that they care more of what ppl are going to say" its disgusting !!!! i hate them for that!!.Despite the srugles my mom stood up for her self, nine months later my big sister "cookie" as i call her was borne! cookie never gave any trouble to my mom , she was pretty low key! all she did was sleep sleep eat and sleep..she weighted 7.0 lbs, and measured 45 cm! thats so cute.

my grandma is a good woman.. she was just raised the old fashion way.. she cares too much about what ppl say!! i hate that !!

my grandparents took really good care of cookie and my mom. my mom soon after had to stop HS and started working as a secretary, she has always been a very responsible woman.. i admire my mother soo much in that aspect! she pretty much neglected her self to comply to cookie..my grandpa was like a father to her.. he loves her so much and so does my cookie.. they have a very close relationship! my grams loves a lot too.. she was their first granddaughter,although my grams was always paranoid that someone wanted to hurt my sister idk. cookie tapped into a lot of those insecurities later in life.. i can see where they were rooted.. i dont blame her.. grams can be quite paranoid.

when my mom was 20 she met my dad or the sperm donor like i call him most of the time. she fell head over hills for him. i honestly have no clue why.!

one thing i got to admit though is that my dad never lied about the way he was lol!! which made even less sense !! lol... he was always crancky, impatient..good looking...but cold, and dry. he is brutally honest.. ( i took that after him) ...very responsible too ... mmm i guess she liked the honesty of his character, he was no player and no bullshit going around like her biological dad.. take it or leave it..

when mom got pregnant.. my grams again was in outrage!!! lol she wanted my mo to stop having kids and still be single.. before they knew it they were married..now the question still remains in my head.. why did they get married?? i know my mom adored him but i personally dont think it was the way around... idk i dont think he ever loved her.. it makes me sooo sad... and angry!! if he had balls to make a baby then why not to stand up for him and my mom ??? why making everyone unhappy?? my mom would never hated him or forced him to do that!! she even spoke to him b4 the whole disaster!!!i rationalize too much.. but i just think i could have saved us soo many griefs and frustrations and yrs of misery!!! anyway...

my mom married.. "ok" she always had a sad expression on her face.. idk.. she says she was really happy that day.. my dad was too...

strawberry bitch · 08-05-2009, 11:34 PM

once they were married.. my mom started the duties as a wife and my dad started his duties as the asshole he`s always been.. he got lost for 4 days drinking and having parties with his friends.. the day after the wedding!! <-----------(wot??))))))))) i can even believe im writing that!!! JESUS MOM !! HOW COULD YOU marry this guy???? **sights** he never gave my mom an explanation.. my mom was too afraid of the truth to ask for it!!

since my mom married 3 months pregnant, it wasnt too long before i arrived.. my dad was a business man.. he made decent money.. he had a little store of his own.. he made enough to pay for a good hospital for my mom.. but noo. she had to go to a charity one... damn .. what a life!! idk it should not be upset for this.. but why did she had to go through that?? i know she put her self in that situations.. jesus!! she wasnt a lucky woman i guess...

6 months down the line and boom! there i was!! according to mom i was practically painless.. the only contraction she felt was "the urge to go to the restroom" lmao!! i always crack a funny when she says that .. she was going to dump me down the drain lol!! i joke about that.. thank god the nurses stopped her in her way there..

i was born in december.. a wild Sagittarius exactly a week apart from my gams b-day. is the same day in the calendar... i was born a thursday.. her b-day was the following.. i always had a good relationship with her.

strawberry bitch · 08-08-2009, 04:26 PM

where was i??

mm rambling about mom and dad... well.. i always felt an outsider. not because they treated me diferently, but i just felt out of place.. i dont remember having any happiness whatsoever... a million thought popping through my head.. at the end, i just dont know who i am.. i have always struggled with my identity... its a big burden...

i truly dont know with certainty what my problems are.. im too complex to figure out.. i feel lonely, yet i seek to be by myself .. i guess is the way im comfortable because im used to that.. i want to have a good friend. someone to love me and respect me.. but i cant seem to get quite there because of my trust issues.. im scared of the pain i went through.. the loneliness ughh,... im so tired and so lost.. i just wish i could be more friendy, that ppl could notice me by who i am.. without me trying .... just feel good for once..

i guess im asking for too much.

strawberry bitch · 08-08-2009, 04:35 PM

Wants to be in her own skinn!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ghostrider · 08-08-2009, 05:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by strawberry bitch

i want to have a good friend. someone to love me and respect me.. but i cant seem to get quite there because of my trust issues.. im scared of the pain i went through.. the loneliness ughh,... im so tired and so lost.. i just wish i could be more friendy, that ppl could notice me by who i am.. without me trying .... just feel good for once..

i guess im asking for too much.

I'll be you friend, and I won't judge you. You're not asking for too much.

strawberry bitch · 08-15-2009, 08:14 PM

so its been a rough couple of dayss... its been unsettling the thought of my age.. my life seems sliping away.. i dont seem to have the strength.. i know i have the talent,but i lack strength discipline **arghhh*i* damn head damn head!!!!! why cant i see the gray?? why not the in between?? why is this quest so hard for me? ECXACTLY (FLOKS PARDON MY SPELLING..) but this is really getting ridiculous.. i mean why is it so hard to have a balance?? this is exactly what runs in my head all day and night. i might not have anecdontes to tell.. cuz im too damn busy thinking and rationalizing my everythougt... i dont even think ppl would spend their time reading crap like this lol.. ohh well its my journal.. i should care about my feelings for once.. today i saw in the art section a drawin of d1zyy where there was this face holding a mask. i said to myself.. damn it so right.. it hurts to carry this weight..

strawberry bitch · 08-15-2009, 08:23 PM

i was a little happy today cuz i found in my public getto library lol! they have a go green section?? wot?? that was incredible!! they remember the forgotten!!! well they had a great selection about enviromentally friendly food and products... i was talking with one of the staff, and she seemed so interested on this.. and we talked a lot about this. i felt in some way my anxiety was releasd in a positive.. the only downside to this is that i get to carried away with my obsession.. i think everysingle thing is potentially dangerous.. **sights** i must confess something really scary that happened as i went to walmart to buy some home supplies. : after being more consious about what i eat. and my diet, i saw ppl there buying food.. froozen food,canned food, all mass produced food.. and i felt like i wanted to throw up .... mmm after thinking for a moment, trying to catch my own thought; i could not believe i was actually disgusted by this.. ( i mean what the wrong doing in that?) i got so mad at myself for being so extremist!! ;( i wanted to cry bad,because i felt in such little control of my emtions..im A VERY STRONG PERSON.. SO I THOUGHT.. and when i become aware of my situations it gives an opportunity to understand my problem,but at the same time it makes me weaker.. cuz i know i have a problem.. i dont push my self to stay in control.----> but wait whats therapy about then?? why do i feel so fragile after acknowlodging my problem?? ** stop this fuckin confusion for once and for all** it needs to get resolved!!!

strawberry bitch · 08-15-2009, 08:33 PM

this sucks.. i saw pictures of my young cousing in a social network.. she was having a party.. nice party, nice car, nice ppl, happy b-f.. she has it all (i cant tell,but she has all the tools to be easily happy) and all i can think is " this would be me, if i still lived in my country... i work so hard to barely make ends meet... my cousing doesnt know what work is.. all is handed to her, (not that i regret to have learned responsabililty) i just wish i didnt have to push myself soo hard to have a decent normal life. dont get me wrong, im grateful of what i have.. i just wish it didnt cost me my youhth, and my best years.... i feel sad about that.. if i wanna be somebody i need to give my self to work.. there is no other way unfortunately.!! why didnt my dad supported me? he is rich in my country u know?? he helped to pay for his best friend`s son medical school!!
ahaaaaaaaaafhggggggggggggg!!!!!!! that still hurts.... this is the only safe place to disclose this.. im very hurt... very hurt!! dad i never knew what did i do so fucking wrong to deserve ur cold shoulder and demeanor!!!! shame on you!! all u did was find the wrongdoing.. all a teenager could do i did!! i had to take care of my family, no one was strong enough to be responsible!! and still when u came to visit me paying $0 to my mom let u stay in my house.. u stilll had the nerve to critisize !!! screww you!! i need to get over u and ur fucking crazy ways!!

strawberry bitch · 08-17-2009, 09:27 PM

damn... how to get it going on!! but hey i love this little space its mine ! i own it!! i can control it! =)

yesterday i had a bit of rough day sort of speak. i went a little manic about uploading pics online to a social network; please let me clarify that i only did it because its a lot easier to access pics there.. i dont have that many friends on that site.. im pretty reserved.. and i felt for the first time out in the open.. kind of naked.. it was weird but accelerating. then i got off from work and went home. i was still frantic about uploading more pictures!! the thought of not being complete with the proccess had me worked up! god damn!! why?? i dint eat drink peed.. for 8hrs straight! whats wrong with me seriously!!! c`om the fuck on!! i was seriously disturbed by that.. i ended up frustrated in bed. i was thinking how powerless i felt once u acknowleged ur situation.. i was like.. ok im being obsessive or manic .. but how did i managed before i knew what my condition was?? how was i stronger?? it puzzles me everytime..

today i woke up very late. around 1 inthe afternoon.. i didnt feel like getting up and then i spoke to my brother. who is always harsh and annoying.. i told him if he could go with me to the therapist so she can explain him a little bit more about my situations and understand where i was coming from. he was so reluctant because he thought i was usiing my ocd as a crutch like being handicapped!!! ohh i was so mad, and sad at the same time that my own brothen whose known how strong i`ve been could think i could pull a fast one on him..

later on i came to work.. i was very annoyed by everything in plain sight.. i could not deal with this place.. i took some xanax.. i was afraid of getting addicted to this drug.. i try not to let this take the best of me.. ***sights** now i have a bad headache.. its a side effect from xanax.. i guess u can never have it all huh?? im exausted.. need to go..