Oubliette

I've always wanted to keep a journal, yet never actually bother to do so. What's there to write about my life....

I still live with my parents at 26 years of age, but I'm working on that...I love living with my parents but I'm not sure whether its just my need to be around people...and I am most comfortable with them seeing me at my worst.

I'm very focused on how I present myself...perhaps this is a bad thing...but people have always been focused on my looks so it makes me self conscious...like I have something to live up to...

I do still have problems with my food intake and my body in general....being able to accept myself as I am just doesn't seem...feasible...I want to be better...I want to be stronger...but then I think about when I was stronger...and wonder whether I really want to go down that path again...I still want to be skinny....but I don't feel like I have the willpower to stop eating like I used to......the scarier thing is....I wish I did sometimes...

Now that I know that if I stop eating it will slow my metabolism...and I don't want to slow it...im scared if i slow it and accidentally binge then i will gain weight...

Being vegan makes me feel less guilty of course....I can eat more and not worry...or so I keep telling myself....but I do keep worrying....not as much as I used to but it's still there...nagging at me....

I think I want to cut down my food intake again...

I think I will do it...I just...feel....fat...i hate it....the really shit thing is that I felt so good when i was really thin...I know that's wrong...and I wont let myself get that thin again...but i just want to be a bit thinner...that's ok isn't it? *sigh*

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Oubliette

OK so....the whole restricting thing is working....dead hungry but doing well....or is it doing badly....good in my head...i spose that's all that matters...im trying to enjoy the hunger...I am still eating...just small amounts...ill see how i go at the gym tomorrow on this amount of food.

in other news...eh...what other news...lol

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Oubliette

I called him coffee stain man....he's stuck on the top of my monitor and I look at him every day...always so happy...hah...

Not sleeping much...not eating much....doing a lot...hating a lot....sometimes I just wish I could float away...Sometimes I think of getting so thin that the wind picks me up and i float away...in a gentle breeze..somewhere that makes me happier...maybe just happy.

I'm hanging out with my ex a lot....he's been good company....purely platonic of course...he's far too messed up....but i just love his company...he makes me laugh....but then he has the potential to make me cry when he's down...i suppose its a risk....at the moment he makes me laugh so I'll stick around...i need to smile more.

I don't even really know what to write except that I feel alone unless I'm around people...I feel trapped and scared unless I have someone in the room with me....I fear my own thoughts...I fear being left alone with myself...I fear being left behind...

I have this dream sometimes...where I drive off the end of an unfinished road...but it's a road....kind of like a bridge...a section of it....the section that's unfinished is a high bridged part....very high....there's no warnings anywhere...and I just drive right off the end of it...I don't remember ever seeing the end result though....I just remember driving off...and starting to fall...

I get the feeling I'm not meant to be here sometimes...not just the desire to not be here....I mean...a feeling I'm really not supposed to be here....like it wasn't supposed to happen this way, something went wrong.....maybe something went awfully wrong...

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Oubliette

It's so cold here...so ridiculously cold...or maybe it's just me.

I ate a bit too much yesterday..felt like too much...always feels like too much though...but I didn't binge...I don't binge...I wont..I can't.

I had cereal for breakfast...all I have left is full fat soy milk...not good...not good...and just received my package of vegan food in the mail...which i ordered before deciding to restrict...grrr...I can't restrict and eat that food I ordered but it cost me over $60 I DON"T HAVE...I dunno what to do with it now...

I have to have lunch with my work friend today...dunno what to do about that...might pick a place that does a salad..that should work....will have to do a full 30 mins on the bike tonight and ab exercises..have to....

OK I sound like a crazy person...that's fantastic...*sigh*

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Oubliette

one of my ex's decided to sms me out of the blue last night and then go on to ask who i was because I was in his call log..I simply said 'lol...don't contact me again *name withheld* :) ever." and he starts tying to abuse me and then brings up sex and now that's all I ever was to him.

I'm not a bad person...I don't do bad things to people...I drove an hour last night just to help another ex of mine who I'm still friends with..because he was in need...I would do that for anyone I know...anyone who needs help...I don't deserve...this....fuck, maybe I do..I don't even know anymore...

My whole life has been spent pleasing others...the second I think I might actually know what I want to do...I fuck it up...it's like I subconsciously and continuously...want myself to fail.

lol....even my coffee fails...soy milk curdles....makes pretty patterns though...

Tried to serve myself too much breakfast this morning...I'm onto myself though...I threw half of it in the bin...I know what's going on...I wont allow it...need to stay strong....what else is left?

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Oubliette

"You used to be much more..."muchier." You've lost your muchness."

No...I didn't particularly like the new Alice in Wonderland...however I did like certain parts of it.

I kind of feel like this when I feel down...my muchness it would seem...because less muchier...lol...at least I can giggle at my own expense.

What to report...apart from losing my muchness....I plan on gaining more piercings...I would have got them done today but I had to go home and get some things as I'm house sitting right now...and hadn't brought much of anything with me!

My mood has been a bit all over the place lately...I think its to do with a series of unfortunate events...

Sunday was a disaster food-wise...but I'm back on track pretty much....It was just because I got stuck in traffic for 2 hours and hadn't eaten in way too long...had no salad at the new place and had been drinking the night before so....I failed...but....short lived...I'm back on track.

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