Rambles of a depressive

Sweetheart93 · 01-28-2010, 02:53 AM

I don't know why I am sad. Something happened today but I just can't remember what it was. D needs to learn better speaking skills. Better english. Raise his IQ. I mean that literally. I would like him more if he had a higher IQ and was more intelligent. But he's not and there's nothing he can ...
I'm just awful. How dare I say that? What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm so ashamed that I even brought rap up to him? He hates it because it's too liberal and I respect that. What I'm really ashamed about it that I LIKE RAP. That I listen to that crap that he protests against so much. I'm bad. I'm evil. Why do I have to be so awful. I will tell him I love him.... Maybe that will be too awkward though. Why would I do that? He's going to think that I think that he is upset and that I am afraid to lose his love. I just want him to know that I respect him and that I respect his opinion. He limits his rap intake because it goes against his morals. Very good. Why don't I just TELL him that rather than play games. He deserves it. He influences my opinions a lot! A whole lot. He's twisting my thoughts. My morals. PLEASE STOP. I don't want to be YOU. Or your gf if this is what it takes. It hurts you know. To know that I'm losing a large part of myself just because I'm scared of what you will think! Because it hurts to know we don't agree. Make it stop. Please. I don't want this anymore. I'm losing myself to you. stop stop stop stop. i don't know what to do. I
On the subject of hw. I havent done a whole lot.

He has too much power over me and its SCARY. I don't know what to do. I'm depressed already. I felt ashamed. I told him my opinions of social issues are changing because of him and you know what he says.... "I LOVE YOU SOO MUCH!" if that's not pressure, I don't know what is. Is it me? Cuz it usually is just me in a depressed mood. Maybe he's not pressuring me to change. I'm pressuring myself to change. Tell me what the hell I should do? I have no fuxking clue. Maybe I will pray to God and ask for advice. I asked.. D if we would not talk about anything controversial for a while... and I was scared... ashamed.... crying.. Why can't I just be happy and normal ... for a year straght... I mean.. today was really good... but tonight was ... bad..... yesterday was slightly worse.. all day... fcked up.

Sweetheart93 · 02-07-2010, 01:41 AM

The pattern is just too obvious. A high followed by a low.
Rapid cycling... This sucks. Lol. I feel DEAD right now. Yesteday I felt crappy and it was my birthday. I'm tired all the time even though I'm getting hella sleep. My dad is suspicious. He knows its a sign of depression. What am I suppose to do? Sleep secretly? I'm so tired though. I just want to sleep!
This reminds me of last summer when for a coupld of days, I slept for like 15 hours a day and was still really tired. I also feel weird because I've been taking all natural weight loss supplements. I'm not fat but no i am fat. I think I shall stop but its so healthy. It's just green tea, caffeine, calcium and CHROMIUM which is supposed to treat atypical depression which I thought I have many symptoms of. Ok and theres this other blend of roots and plants in there too but it's been making me slightly dizzy sometimes... Like when I tand up. That's bad! Really, really bad... Otherwise... sometimes... my speech is a little... jarred... Is that even a word... It makes me stutter like I'm nervous.. My voice sounds nervous... I try to control myself. It's hard. I havent lost any weight yet but its only been a week. I just want to feel alive.. To feel awake.. I thought the caffeine would help... Sigh. Why am I so tired. Am I dying.. I want to go to the doctors... They'll say... its depression... NO. I want them to find a physical problem and give me meds... Diabetes? Thyroid disorder? My dad has diabetes. My brother has thyroid problems. Atypical depression has been linked with thyroid issues... HHMMMM.... ><
But now I think I'm bipolar.. midly... with hypomania...Ive only felt it once of twice but it was great.. a couple days ago, at 1am i began to feel ALIVE, AWAKENED, RENEWED. God had touched my soul.

I feel like I'm not even in touch with reality anymore.... How much sleep until I'm better? When will I not be tired anymore because honestly... I'm really tired...

I'm cramming sugary foods down my throat because I NEED it. I wish my dad would go to bed so I could BINGE.Arg it makes me so mad.. Freakin go to sleep dad.
I need to eat...
Even though I JUST DID a couple hours ago and everyone listened to my complain about how insanely full I was....
I want to feel alive... Exercise might be the answer... I havent gotten any lately... That might be it....

Sweetheart93 · 02-08-2010, 03:00 AM

I'm a victim to the system... We're all victims to the system... I should achieve nrivana by freeing everyone. But am I a victim to my own idealism? Maybe... But I don't want to change. It makes me a better competitor. It makes me better and competing and pushing and winning and reaching greatness. I'm a victim to competition. To the world's standards and to my own competitive nature. I can't develop a plan or a goal until I critically examine what's going on. So here's whats up. I am OBSESSEd with grades. I want to be SKINNY. I want behave according to my morals perfectly (this own isnt so bad). I want to reach my ideals b/c everytime I do, I feel like I am reaching nirvana or heaven. I don't want to be a slave to my ideals... I can't obsess, worry, and fret about it... I can't beat myself up for not being accepting enough. I can't beat myself up for caring about grades too much and simultaneously beat myself up for not getting a 4.0. Perfectionist behavior. Maybe. My therapist gave me a workbook on some of these things. I should go look at it. I'm really not the person I thought I was.. I'm ot as lazy or disgusting as I thought. No I am. I'm disgusting in the sense that I can't stop eating. That I can't control myself wholly or perfectly. I want to have total self control. That would be <3. I should look over the workbook and then hurry up and do self hypnosis and then brush my teeth and sleep.
i'm so ugly, and vain and UGLY and shallow. i hate these things about me. i hate looking at my face in the mirror. i hate my face.. its damning to look at. i should just go die. i mean im soo incredibly awkward and fucking ugly. if i was someone else, i would want me to die. i'm short. ugly. fat. awkward. dirty. why wont someone just kill me and get it over with. no sane person should accept me in their world. ppl care about me... and they're soo nice and sweet like Reginald right now. Good for him. Good for him for caring about me. Stupid David. It hurt when you leave. To know that you don't love me anymore. I'm like that okay. Sigh. Fuck myself.
p;;;pppp

Sweetheart93 · 02-09-2010, 11:54 PM

I had fantasies of being fantastically skinny. I thought everyone was fat today. I really didn't know I was this depressed. I read white supremist literature. I was put down by a guy. Now I'm going to go read more mean comments. ...Well ok. The rest of the comment were nice. I feel better. I still havent dont any hw yet. I'm not sure how this happened. Why did I get so depressed. Why do I feel this way. When I'm depressed, ALL my thoughts change from postive ones to negative ones... I thought that no one would support me. No one would be there for me. I must confom with the world to fit in and be loved. Everyone will find out that I'm awful... There's no point to life. There's no hope to life. Gotta be SKINNY. SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY. But that's not me... I'm not like that. That's the bad culure.... I'm fine the way I am. I just took some herbal supplements. I'd like to say they are helping. My friend makes me sad. He doesn't love me anymore. Sigh. Thats the depression again. Cuz I feel well enough to knoe BETTER. He does love me. IT FEELS LIKE no one cares about me... No one WILL care about me. I'm all alone.... Bad thinking... This makes suicidal thoughts possible and I do not will not go there. I hope. But its so hard when I'm so alone...
...

Ina cheered me up though. Thanks sweetheart <3. Sometimes I just can't understand why anyone would like me. There's nothing appealing or attractive about me. Why would anyone like me? I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
Depression, please please go away. I need to feel better so I can do my hw... I want to stop thinking that when I'm at school, I'm all alone and I feel so isolated. Incoherent babble. Sorry. Miss Depressed can't even write properly. I wish I had a better life... Actually... Wow... I must be pretty depressed. I feel like I could cry... Which is weird... I don't think I'm that depressed. I must be though. . . I recognize the signs... Thoughts of isolation... Being unloved.. unsupported... not doing any work... desire to lose weight... NOT doing any work.... Putting myself down... Visiting this website... So... that's a sure one. IF I visit this website, then is means that I am DEFINATELY feeling depressed. Yup. I'm here. I'm depressed. Denial is sweet but only up to a certain point. When you repeatedly try to kill yourself and look your therapist in the eye and say, defensively... "IM NOT DEPRESSED!", I think it means that you are.... o.O
But I'm not. Haha. I'm okay. I'm FINE. <--- Denial.
I really feel like he doesn't love me... and I am going to cry...
What changed? What did I do wrong ? Tell me what I did wrong? I'll fix it. . . Please love me. I miss you. Please. Please Please PLease.
I just want to lie down and say Fuck This. BUT I have homeowkr... I can't seem to make myself do it... I don't want to be happy or hopeful.. I just want to live this way. In the TRUTH. The truth of what is. Hateful, spiteful people.
Tell me I'm not bipolar. LOL.
Miley Cyrus + Lily + herbal supplements +.... idk... cheer me up? LOL
So I just ended my period and yeah... i've been becoming MORE and MORE sad... Maybe it's over now... LOL.
Fuck this... GETTING my period made me depressed... Ending my period made me depressed... NOT FAIR!
But yeah.. IT's a party in the USA

Sweetheart93 · 02-10-2010, 12:10 AM

Who knew depression was so hard to beat?!

Sweetheart93 · 02-11-2010, 02:42 AM

You know what's weird though... I actually feel SKINNIER now than I have ever before even though I weigh MORE now than I have ever in my life...
But I was a fatty back then and I'm a fatty now. My arms so fat. I hate looking at pictures of myself when I was in 5th grade or 8th grade. I was sooo fat. It's weird. I feel better about myself even though I weighed more. I use to be sooo insanely insecure. I obsessed. Exercised. Tried to starve. Restricted. Worried. Freaked out after I saw my big butt in the mirror. Guess what? I don't have a butt! Even after I gained weight. I'm heavier now than ever and my butt is still flat... don't know why I eer thought it was big.... My stomach is big though. My waist it 29.5 inches right now. That's pretty bad considering I'm only 4'11ft. Time to fast 2m or just restrict if I can... I know I'm not good at it... but The fat on my stomach is pissing me off. It's just HANGING there. I don't like touching it. I feel like a skinny fat person right now. I don't want to go have to keep checking in the mirror to see if I am fat...
UGHHHHH. FUCK THIS. How did this happen? What happened? WHATT????
yeah okay...i dont think ive been this obsessed since middle school. ><
oh well... i might go exercise later.... what a nice thought... then maybe i ca study. freakin procrastination

Sweetheart93 · 02-12-2010, 02:27 AM

im so tired. forget hw... im just going to sleep... night guys <3

Sweetheart93 · 02-13-2010, 02:40 AM

I think I'm stupid. Let's ask for a reality check. Although, I know that many people DO think that I'm stupid. I'm not. Even if I am, I can't think that. That's equivalent to "I'm ugly". But I feel like this is different. IQ is measureable. And beauty is not. How can I ever achieve my goal of transcendence and be infinately strong if I keep having these types of thoughts. I need to remind myself that I am beautiful, intelligent, SELF-CONFIDENT, persevering, creative, and kind. No need to put myself down. It's not worth believing in. I truly believe that I can choose my self-perception and that the self-perception that I choose can either lead me to win or lose. I want the better one. The one that will lead into success. I want to reach a state of nirvana where I am so strong and resilient that I can either 1) handle anything or 2) bounce back from things that i cannot handle. I need my sleep. goodnight guy <3

Sweetheart93 · 02-14-2010, 02:13 AM

I was quite depressed at first. I exercised and felt crappier. But now (10 min later), I feel better. Can I atttribute my recovery to exercise? I don't know. I read a post about God and I was touched. I prayed. That must be it. I can't assume anything. All I know is that God has the answer. Not people. Unless God tells me who to trust, I can't trust anyone. I will read the bible. Not today though. Maybe soon hopefully.

anyways.. its been a couple of hours. i feel better. haha. i had some chips and salsa. i have no idea whats going on. but i have lot more energy. i also has some decaf green tea. i think i have a problem. i eat every 3 hours or less if given a chance. sometimes every one hours.

ughh i hate myself. my guyfriend just called me a loser in a joking way but now i feel so... fat? idk... whats wrong with me? why can't I stop eating? i JUST ATE. i don't need to eat anymore. i feel full too. whats wrong with me. if i become of eating disordered b/c of, then i should say something... i dont want to be an awful, disgusting, anal, oversensitive bitch though. i tell him to shut up all the time. this is not working. i need a bf who will not make fun of me... i can't take it. unless you're pushing me to perfection. i can never reach perfection ok. its never going to happen and im just going to keep pushing myself until i stop and until YOU stop. SO STOP. sighh im so fat. what the hell does this have to do with him calling me a loser. now hes telling me that i dont love him. he needs to go to hell. im very happy right now for unknown reasons but he needs to be more sensitive to my needs. i don't want to tell him to stop being a pussy and an elitist jerk at the same time. fucking grow up. tell me im not bipolar right now., this is really weird. i think im bipolar lol.

hmmm im sad.... it occurred to me that suicide could be the answer but im not going to think about it just b/c i said i wasnt going to . i need peanut butter sandwhiches to binge on....

Sweetheart93 · 02-18-2010, 01:20 AM

i think i'm really really stupid.... i just want to throw up? yes, throw up. why cant i? OMG i should huh? wow, that would be great, except i would ruined my teeth and ppl would find out and i would be soooooooooo screwed.... i'd ruin my teeth and be even more degraded than i was before... maybe i am so defective that i dont deserve to live. first off, i am stupid. 2nd off, i am emotionall messed up, aka depressed. 3rd, i should have died at birth if it wasnt for c section. 4. im ugly and fat. i think im suppose to die. PLEASE let me die...
no let me vomit and have no one find out. esp my dentist. PLEASE just let me do it... letme have relief.
im not ok. im not ok. i m not going to call another suicide hotine to say.... uhmm well... i think im ugly and fat And STUPID... yeah thats why i want to die... omg why canti just commit suicide in college. whats the big deal...i think IQ means a LOT and if my IQ cant be relatively high than im.... idk.....worthless maybe?
abandoned by my family.... a dissapointment....a failure....disgusting piece of shit...

intelligence is EVERYTHING and nothing else matters in life... too bad you cant get SMARTER.. iq is inborn since im not economically disadvantaged...
somehow being average is not good enough. i hate myself ihate myself
idont think i can wait forever to kill myself..
i need to do it now? or soon..i
well.. i took a counselors advice and i told my best friend how i felt... she listened.i feel better. thanks lily. <3
i really cant stand being averagethough. not in this world. not any more.