Possibly the whiniest journal ever but...

Matthew91 · 02-09-2010, 02:56 PM

I just wanna track my thoughts and feelings so maybe I can understand my ups and downs a little better. So here goes:

Sixth form kinda sucked. I spent the day avoiding my friends and venting on someone who keeps telling me I just have to man up and get over my depression. I've noticed my works just falling now, I can't be bothered to do any homework or listen in lessons anymore at all.

hopefloats · 02-10-2010, 09:57 AM

Have you tried to get help? Counceling, medication?

Matthew91 · 02-10-2010, 04:24 PM

Hmm...this was an odd day. I ended up sleeping through school due to staying up all night admitting to one of my best friends that I tried to commit suicide. It being out in the open seems to have lifted a bit of weight for some reason and I'm feeling slightly more helpful since she said she'd try her best to help me get through my depression.

I'm not sure if hoping is bad or not, I really don't want to get my hopes up and be disappointed but I seem to only be able to live on hope at the moment. I guess there's no harm in wishing one thing can go right for me.

Matthew91 · 02-12-2010, 09:22 PM

Wow, today was actually really good. Basically, I've been having troubles with love, my emotions seem too controlled by one of my best friends, this girl I'm in love with. Today was just a really good day, going to a really fun party and just generally having fun.

It's sad but I know it won't last. But maybe these times are worth living for.

Matthew91 · 02-18-2010, 09:30 PM

Damn, another bad day...I spent half the day with my friends which was really cool but then i went to a party where i just spent the time seeing the girl i love ignore me and act as if everyone else was better than me.

The thing is. she used to be my best friends and I feel like such an idiot. It's quite complicated to write about here though...I dunno if i can lat any longer, just killing myself seems like such a good option right now.

Matthew91 · 02-20-2010, 02:10 PM

Hmm...my body seems to be doing the killing myself for me. My weights dropping fast, I've become unable to eat and I just don't have the energy to do anything anymore. I don't think I'm gonna go to the doctors, if this kills me, I guess thats just a fitting end...

My friends are starting to get worried about my condition noticing the scars and how my health's deteriorating but i know there's only one person who's able to make me feel good enough to get out of this and they're ignoring the problem...guess this is it then

Matthew91 · 02-23-2010, 10:52 AM

*sigh* I give up...this week's gonna be my last, things wont ever change...

I just wish someone would help me but they don't seem to care anymore. I guess that's that then...

Matthew91 · 02-24-2010, 01:48 PM

I gave myself a week yesterday so only 6 days left to make a change. I was told today that I can't place my problems on other people so can't really ask people for help. I don't know what to do, I can't go on if I can't change anything by asking someone.

My schoolwork has fallen completely now, I know I won't get into uni and I feel completely futureless. I really just don't know what to do anymore...

Matthew91 · 02-25-2010, 11:25 AM

I feel completely helpless, nothing i can do to try and get help from people I know works, I can see i was just lying to myself thinking there were loads of people who cared about me.

I guess I'm getting impatient, I'm putting my hopes on tomorrow. If things go wrong thats it. I don't need to deal with this anymore.

LordAdonis · 02-25-2010, 05:28 PM

Matthew, I know where you are coming from, believe me. I have suffered the slings and arrows of depression since I was thirteen, and I am now twenty four. My social, aesthetic and intellectual inadequacies have weighed on me like a gordian noose! My lack of friends and stimulating social contact crashed my work into the ground in my sixth form. I just scraped by with my grades and was accepted to university. However, my sanguine depression pursued me and after two years of beating my head against a wall I was thrown out! I found myself in a situation comprable to yours, however- I decided that a trade was the best way to go. Luckily, my father is an electrician, and I became his apprentice, and am now not far from being fully qualified in that regard. Admittedly, I am still deppressed and have attempted suicide twice in as many consecutive weekends (Making a grand total of seven attempts- I doubt that my local William Hill Bookies would enjoy taking odds on my death!), but that is due to being as ugly as iron burrs, and the fact that I am not a nightclub person- not for lack of a proffessional future! If I fail at suicide in the future, at least I will have a livlihood to fall back on.
So, what I would say is that University is not the only option in life, even though it seems that the government and society suggest to the contrary by opening up the applications system so drastically (Most young people now look upon it as a kind of rite of passage- its just hedonism for its own sake if you ask me). Why not look at getting a trade under your belt? City and Guilds apprenticeships are a good way in, and are internationally recognised as being one of the best vocational qualifications in existence, so if you are curious have a look at their website. You can always go back into further education later on, once you have gained some practical experience- something I am told is much saught after by employers. Once I finish my electrical installation course, I intend to get on a BTEC electronics course, with a view to going into electronic design, possibly even a university course. So, have a think, hang in there- I may not be the most sympathetic ear, but I know what you are going through.