My journey..

Mitza · 02-20-2010, 06:35 PM

Tired.. tired, tired, tired... Of being like this, feeling like this. What is the use of living if it will be like this? I am sliding back into a world of merely existing. I don't recognize myself anymore. It is like I am a new person, shaken and stirred, up from the ashes of a long cold fire, smashed under houses, crawling out from underneath the rumble.. It is like I never lived and never will. I'll merely exist in this cold world of metal and wind. Walk the street and do my robotic duties to the society. Shifting money from one place to another to feed myself, so I'll survive yet another day. Emptiness. Why does it all feel so empty, so numb, emotionless. I don't want to live like this anymore. I'm so tired of it. So tired..

Mitza · 03-10-2010, 10:34 PM

Can't sleep... Distracting. Avoiding. Punishing? Idk anymore.. I'm tired of this. Of myself. Of everything... Why is it so hard to live? To keep going, to do stuff, to be in society.. It is hard to find a point. Just have to get up. Because?? .....

Mitza · 03-20-2010, 09:52 PM

No sleep again. So tense tonight. Idk why exactly. Just feel like running away from everything. Don't want to be here. Want to be far away from this apartment. I hate being here.. It feels like a prison.

... and look at me.. soon to be 29. What a life, eh?.. Hiding away in a room in my brothers apartment.... I don't want to do this anymore. I'm tired of it. Maybe I should just sell everything I own. Rent a room, the cheapest one I can find. Or live on the street. I have a tent. It's soon warm enough for that.. Really feel like getting a beer right now. Wish I had whiskey. Idk, I have some liquor I think, not sure what... *sigh* I know it won't help, just so tempting.. ... What's the use of writing? I've been like this for so long I don't see a point in trying. It just goes around in circles. And I'm good for nothing. As usual. I'll never be good enough. Never. Why don't I just give up? Idk why I don't. Not on evenings like this. Hate life. Hate me. Hate my brain. Hate everything.

Mitza · 04-27-2010, 08:07 PM

Another great night.. No sleep, no food, no emotions other than pointlessness. I wish I could be excited about something, but I can't. Looking at work ads just makes me feel worse, because I can't see anyone I can apply to. They all want normal functioning people, not someone like me. I hate myself. I hate my life. Just feel like ------ today, and drinking, running away.. somewhere, anywhere. I don't want to be here anymore. Hate stupid money. Feel like I'm locked up. Useless. Piece of shit. Everyone thinks I need to get my act together now. I've been ill for long enough... Just get a regular job. Be a part of society. Function. Function. Function. No idea how.

Mitza · 05-11-2010, 09:06 PM

New therapist again. She seems nice. I liked the fact that she suggested homework. I've not tried that before, so why not? Tired today though.. But still can't sleep. Tense. My body aches.. Stressed.. Sad? Idk.. Trying not to think. It is annoying how the first sessions never feels like they go anywhere. And I never get to say what I meant to say or wanted to say.. And I worry that I worded myself wrong.. And that I said too much.. Too little.. Idk.. Just worry.. So that's nothing unusual.. *sigh* Really need to sleep...

Mitza · 05-15-2010, 08:23 PM

Three years today. Three years wasted. Who am I fooling? Why am I even trying? Makes no sense. No sense at all.

Mitza · 05-16-2010, 01:25 PM

.....No words.

Mitza · 06-11-2010, 10:27 AM

Had a stupid dream tonight..

Why does she have to keep spinning back into my head? Why is it still making me hurt? It is not fair...

Idk.. I just dreamt that I saw her, and that I just told her that is still hurt, a lot. And asked why she did it.. How she could just throw my love away like that.. I know there are no answers other than the ones I can't accept.. It just hurts too much to be dropped for something that condemns all that you are. And for her to choose that instead of my love.. It just hurts.. And I just feel like crying.. Now.. After two years.. After I have found a new love I thought was not possible... It still hurts.. so much.. Why? Why can't it just stop hurting?? Why does she have to re-enter my mind again and again? I've tried so hard to block her out.. I try to avoid anything that reminds me of her.. But it doesn't work.. I hate my mind.. I hate my feelings.. I hate everything.. *crying*

Mitza · 07-12-2010, 08:11 PM

She's here. With me. And what do I do? Isolate, can't sleep, have a hard time connecting.. I hate being like this. I hate being grumpy. When she is so sweet, so kind, so caring.. She's the best woman in the whole wild world. And she is here with me. Why can't I just be happy? It's not fair. I crawl out of bed to go and write. Can't sleep, just laying there... Wish I could just get all sadness and emptiness away. Just wish it away and it was gone. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to get flashbacks from old times going around in my head. Thoughts about how it was. I'm such a mixture. Old and new. Stupid old thoughts won't let go. I hate it. I hate her for doing this to me. I wish I had never met her. I didn't know that my heart could be so broken for so long. Why can't it just heal up all right? I have all I need. I have love. Real love. Why can't it just disappear? ... Maybe I should speak to J about this. I think she might understand... Idk.. Just feel lost, sad, annoyed.. And I long for her. Miss her when I can't connect with her. I hate not being able to connect.

I love her so much. I just want to hug her and touch her all the time. When she holds me I feel safe. Like I belong. Where I am meant to be. (Whatever that means).. ... Scared.. Scared that this will end. Scared of my feelings disappearing. Scared when I can't feel anything. When I can't connect and everything just feels unreal. I don't want to dream anymore. I don't want to be locked in a bubble. I hate it. Even if it has kept me safe. I hate it!!! I can't live like this. I just want to wake up. I want to live. I am so tired of existing. So tired of in between. Time... Time... Time... I've wasted enough time now, all right? Why can't I just screw this head on the right place (or just take it off all together).. I don't want to live like this anymore. I've had enough. More than enough. And I'm scared that if I go longer like this.. I won't go any longer. I'll fall. Into nothingness. Emptiness. Quiet. Silencio...