JackFlash

yeah i figured i'd at least start one, hopefully ill post on it fairly often.

JackFlash

alright, so i'm failing school. i've only been doing a couple lessons a week over the phone for a few weeks now and i'm already completely boned. i skipped today's lesson and my dad gave me a decent lecture on how fucked i'd be if i didn't pass year 12. (i'm doing a combo of year 11 and year 12 subjects this year.)

i definitely dont want to fail, i already dropped out of my highschool midway through last year and that sucked. i couldnt cope with going to school each day and finishing assignments and all that crap. shit i only passed year 10 because i got a letter from a psychologist saying i had depression, so the school didn't make me finish the dozens of assignments i hadn't handed up. my attendance was way way below the necassary % to pass the year but they said if i did well enough in my exams they'd let me do year 11. i didnt even study for the stupid things but i passed most of them and they passed me.

but it wasnt any different in year 11 so i quit.

i fall behind so quickly, i dont feel capable of doing homework every day for hours on end. my depression stops me doing the work, and the anxiety i get from not having done the work stops me taking the lessons.

anyway, so after a few years of refusing to take anti-depressants i've asked my mum to make an appointment with a GP, and i'll probably go back to seeing my therapist. but i'm pretty sure by the time the pills kick in i'll have dropped out again and it'll be too late.

i know my dad's going to go off at me when i drop out, he'll probably do what he did when i dropped out before and kick me out of his house, i'll have to go back to my mums where i live in my bed for 99% of the time, doing absolutely nothing productive.

erghhghg, it's much easier to see the hopeless side of things than the hopeful side.

JackFlash

i just want to kill myself, i cant cope with anything that's going on around me. my future is completely fucking bleak and im so completely miserable right now. i cant function on the most basic level.

i dont have anyone to talk to, i get the impression every human on this planet apart from me is a master of manipulation and every person i meet is just doing a super job of fucking me around. i dont get it at all.

JackFlash

i wish i was dead

JackFlash

i need to wean down my smoking, or quit
i need to quit or cut down on weed
i need to stop drinking
i need to stop spending all my money on drugs
i need to start doing ~40 hours of homework a week
i need to start paying attention in classes
i need to pass year 12
i need to get another job
i need to start going to bed earler/get up earlier
i need to procrastinate less
i need to find some self esteem, confidence and some other good traits
i need some new clothes
i need to spend more time at my mums
i need to workout
i need to pick up my guitar again

i wouldnt mind a girlfriend.. but its prob a good thing i dont have one
i wouldnt mind learning another language

uh yeah, lol fuck all that. its funny, i need prob a few of those things to be at all happy, but im not going to do them because im too sad.

JackFlash

well im pretty much out of school again. i actually accidentally missed today's lesson and there's really no point in continuing. now what? get a job with a 10th grade education? get into a trade? this isn't what i imaged when i was 10 years old. i've totally disappointed my father and my mother. life's only going to get harder from this point on. i'm a fucking parasite.

i've completely forgotten who i am. everything that once seemed like a solid fact, things i knew about myself, things i knew about the world, everything is just becoming confused with lies that i've conjured for myself as a defense mechanism. i constantly lie to myself about everything. about past events, about the future, about everything. im probably completely deluded, but its hard to tell.

im getting on the anti-depressants bandwagon now. maybe i should just get afull frontal lobotomy instead. but yeah im joining the prozac nation.. "got a problem? here, take these pills!" brilliant. i guess if they stop me wanting to jump in front of a bus they're not all bad.

JackFlash

i'm considering quitting weed, well taking a break from it. apparently its a good idea, but seriously quitting the only thing that has been able to make me at all happy for the last two years.. why would i want to quit it?? sure it brings certain worries and problems, but its without doubt worth it, for me at least.

whenever i have taken a break i feel good to be away from it for a few days, then i remember how truly terrible and soul crushing life is so i buy some more. its probably a good thing i dont have a source for smack or crack or anything, or id be a mad junkie.

JackFlash

lol, its unfair. when i dont want to buy anymore he keeps delivering it to my house. how could anyone say no to that? when i am keen for it i drive around the entire city and cant find anything. eh it dont matter i spose, just another week to be wasted.

ive been prescribed 75mg of effexor daily. ergh, ive totally sold myself out. now i should become a corporate lawyer and go republican. i swear to god though if this shit doesnt work im gunna be pissed.

i figure if one night i was going to top myself, it has to be a method where i dont give myself an out. im not going to jump off a cliff with a parachute strapped to my back, if i was going to do it itd need to be a method where i cant back out. i wish guns were more available in this country.

JackFlash

fuck i hate feeling lonely. why isnt there a pill to cure it or something. bastard scientists..

most people are out drinking and socializing.. another dudes high as a kite on codeine. im doing jackall.

JackFlash

i took my first effexor 75mg capsule today. i havent eaten at all all day, and im not really hungry. it seems to have taken away my appetite.. which is pretty awesome actually. i smoked a really little bit of weed and felt a little weirded out. i was yawning heaps.. but that might just be me. i think it's given me a little indigestion or something.. maybe.

is it possible it has positive effects after just one? i hardly thought very negative thoughts all night and i wasn't so depressed i'd refuse to leave my house. i doubt it was placebo, it hardly registered in my head that i'd ever taken the capsule and i wasn't expecting anything from it.. dunno.

now i get a few hours sleep before a long, long, long shift of extremely low paying work tomorrow .