a letter to my boyfriend, the things im afraid to say

heartfilledlies · 12-08-2010, 03:15 AM

this is a letter ijust wrote at 3 in the morning. im afraid to send it, but these r the things i need to say to him and im afraid to say them actually to him. i havent sent it yet, any advice? should i send it?

I'm writing this because I'm really confused and I cant sleep and i don't know if i'll even send this to you. the way everythings been going lately between us is making me question alot of things. for the past 3 days u barely acknowledged my existence, the only way you'd notice me is if i came to u first. the only reason u talked to me on sunday and monday is because i messaged u, if i hadnt, i never would've crossed your mind. and then tonight, i feel like it was the same thing. i feel like you forgot about me until i messaged u, and if i hadnt then u wouldnt have called me. and then u tell me that u were hanging out with ur friend from work, and that he invited u to go see Tron, and the fact that u and i had planned to see it seemed to slip your mind. and when i pathetically mentioned that u and i were going to see it, then u asked if i wanted to go see it with u and ur friends, meaning id be the third wheel, the only non-nerd there n a group of ppl sticking out like never before. which i shouldnt have to settle for. if you say u'll do something with me, you cant push me aside to go do it with your friends. andy, i deserve better then that.
andy i feel like ur pushing me aside for ur new friends and i dont no why. did i do something wrong? and i was about to mention it tonight but then u said u had to go and said ur sorry for not really talking to me that much the past few days like a simple apology really makes up for pushing me aside and forgetting me. but what u dont see is that it hasnt been the past few days, its been a while. i feel like ur drifting away and im afraid to say this bc im afraid ull leave me. when we were talking about u going bk to school, u said very plainly and bluntly that u cant let anything get in the way and im scared that ull take me being worried about us now as an excuse to leave me, either now later, which i shouldnt have to worry about.
and honestly andy, when u said that about ur school, i didnt no what to do then and i still dont. i do everything i can for u to make u happy, ive given u litterally every part of me to make our relationship grow stronger. and the idea that if i get unhappy later on, ull leave me because ill make it harder on you is really unfair to me, and then you treat me the way you have been treating me lately.
im trying to write this and make sense at the same time and its not working.
since uve decided to go back to school, uve been drifting away. uve been talking to me less, u think that a ten minute phone conversation is enough time to spend with me. i havent seen u in a month, and im missing u more then ever. but i feel like ur not even noticing im not there. u dont seem excited about seeing me anymore, and after the conversation tonight, i feel like ur new friends are more important to u then me. ull end a conversation with me to go play a game or go talk to one of ur friends online, but yet when i call u, u dont leave a game or stop talking to ur friends for me. you turned down a chance ot meet my sister one day because we didn't have tha tmuch time to spend together, but yet you were willing to drive me home a few hours early to make a midnight selling of a new game. the last time i came down, you left me alone in ur house to go to another midnight selling after u had been at work all night. you forgot about the dinner i was making and the movie you and i had planned on watching and focused on getting a game that you couldve bought the very next day.
u told me one morning that i was the most important person to u, and now im not sure. i feel like that, along with u saying that u loved me differently then u ever loved anyone else, was just something u said to keep me happy.
i thought it was just my birth control, but its not. me getting paranoid thinking that since u were online when i started writing this and now ur offline for the very first time is related to my birth control. me over analyzing and obsessing over the fact that u never botheed to ask me tonight what i did the past few days while u werent talking to me is related to my birth control. and the fact is, over the past few days, ive finished and printed out my poetry book and i made u a copy but im afraid to give it to u. im afraid to plan to go away with u because im scared ur getting to the point where u dont want to be with me anymore. and im sorry i have to tell you all this this way, but im scared if i tell you in person or over the phone, youll break up with me right then and there. the birth control is making me depressed and im afraid to talk to you about it because im scared ull say you deserve someone whose happier or im just too difficult and u cant stand it anymore.
the very first morning i woke up next to you, i looked over and you were watching me sleep. and u kissed me and said that you were picturing me in a white dress that i only wear once. do you still see that? even one tiny glimpse of that?
im sorry i am. i dont mean to make you mad or upset or anything. i just want us to be happy.

funnybone · 12-08-2010, 04:57 AM

well i dont know andy but i can tell you, that he is one lucky son of a b*** to have someone like you, and if he doesnt realise that then he deserves to have is games taken away until he does understand.

andy kinda reminds me of..... well me, i to am into all the games and been to a few midnight sellings.
i know how addictive games are.
but i would never ever put games before my girlfriend (if i had one

)
but going on that, if i did have a girlfriend, what would be really cool is if she liked to play games now and then, i know that, that for me would be really cool even if its just 1hour a day.

anyway
i think you should send that letter to him, the letter should be easyier on him than talking face to face aswell.

i really do wish you the best of luck , and i hope this gives him the slap he needs, to realize who he has

heartfilledlies · 12-08-2010, 11:40 AM

i do like nplaying video games with him, we used to for a few hrs a day. i do like some video games, and i love the ps3 move. but i really like to cuddle with him while hes playing a game, we'll lay on the couch or something with his arms arojund me and ill read something or fall asleep and he'll play. but lately all he wantds to play is games like dj hero, where he cant hold me. so im stuck just sitting on the other side of the couch for an hr or so watching him play as he forgets im there and ignores me. and itll be ok if it wasnt for our situation. bc he lives about 2 hrs away, we onli see eachtoher every few weeks, for a few days at a time. this weekend ill be going down there to see him and ill be there one night and itll be the first time ive seen him since b4 thanksgiving and i no i wont see him again until after christmas. see, if we could spend more time together, id be more ok with all of this. but he seems to take the time we spend together for granted. and im afraid to speak up bc i dont want to sound like a controling or bitchy girlfriend. and i feel pathetic to let things like this bother me bc he could be doing somehting much worse, an dim lucky to have him. and im scared to send him the letter bc he might think its a break up letter, which its not, its far from it, and then he wont bother trying to fight for me. y would he when he has his new friends and video games.
i get his world cant revolve around me, i dont want it too. i just dont want to be taken for granted. i feel like the only reason hes still with me is for sex, which im not even that good at.
im sry for the rant.

funnybone · 12-08-2010, 02:09 PM

no need to apoligize for the rant....... i got myself in it when i replyed lol

whilest reading i understood clearly it wasnt a break up, but just incase you could put at the botom "THIS IS NOT A BREAK UP :)" just to be positive

falling asleep whilst hes playing, (c'mon he can't be that bad at it

) that sounds nice.

" i dont want to sound like a controling or bitchy girlfriend" trust me you aren't, the way i see it, you bieng very,very tolerant of him, and yes it sounds like he is ignoring you, but hopefully it'll change after you send the letter.
and if he doesn't then he doesn't deserve you at all, not by a long shot.
and if you leave him, chances are he would be beging you to come back.

and frankly, if he's in for the sex. tell him no he'll soon pay attention ;)

have you made a decision yet?

heartfilledlies · 12-08-2010, 11:45 PM

i sent him the letter and he broke up with me. he said hes too immature and didnt want to hurt me. said hes sry for it all and that i deserve better. he wont asnwer my calls or reply to my texts. see this si y i didnt want to say anything. bc i new hed do this. i new hed leave me. i gave him everything. i broke my vow of chastity for him. i gave him my purity ring and all he has ot say is that i can do better then him bc hes not grown up enough. god im so fucking pathetic!

funnybone · 12-09-2010, 06:58 AM

i really am sorry

.

you are not pathetic, the things you have done for him, and put up with, you are a saint.... dont put yourself down for his stupid mistakes, and the way he has been treating you, well it honestly does p*ss me of that peaple can be so heartless. and breaking a vow and giving him your purity ring.... that was big, and for him to have the nerve to ignore you and put his friends and games before the one he loves

we'll im sorry but he really doesn't deserve you, i don't mean to offend you by saying all of this, and i really am sorry if i have

and if it helps, you are more than wlecome to talk to me, i'll be there

if you need someone to talk to.

heartfilledlies · 12-09-2010, 07:35 AM

i get y he treated me that way, bc he was stressed out and i didnt realize it. he thought i new and i didnt bc he never actually said it. everyone handles stress differently, and ive never met anyone who handles it well. he wasnt like this from the beginning. he was the perfect guy b4 all of this. if only hed talk to me i could make him see that. but he wont, he cut me completely from his life. he changed his fb status to single b4 actually breaking up with me. he then deleted me and wont answer my txts or anything. i loved him from the very beginning. i thin that was one of the problems. we moved so fast from day one.

and u didnt offend me at all. i just dont see how ur right. may be later on though. ty for ur help though.

funnybone · 12-09-2010, 04:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by heartfilledlies

i get y he treated me that way, bc he was stressed out and i didnt realize it. he thought i new and i didnt bc he never actually said it.

i didnt know that, now i feel stupid advising you to send the letter.

purhaps in time he may get talking to you agian, and hopefully now that you know, you may be able to help him

, if he'll let you.

did you find out what is stressing him at all?

heartfilledlies · 12-09-2010, 06:38 PM

yea i did, something else to worry me. his xgf. him and her were engaged, and then she dear johned him. she messaged him right b4 thanksgiving, and then again on his bday. and instead of telling me, he pushes me aside and lets his world fall apart over it and goes into a depression. and i understand that, but i dont get y he didnt tell me. and it worries me bc he still cares for her. i no hes not just going to stop lovingher, he cant. butif he lest his world fall apart and pushes me out of his mind when ever she contacts him, it makes me wonder if shes more important then me. what will happen if she wants him bk? will he leave me for her?

funnybone · 12-10-2010, 12:17 PM

hold on i thought you said he already left you, and that he's ignoring you?
well if she wants him back, thats up to him

"she messaged him right b4 thanksgiving, and then again on his bday. and instead of telling me, he pushes me aside and lets his world fall apart over it and goes into a depression"

i really find that impossible how you can get depressed over that.
my best guess is, that he's torn between you and her, if its bugging him that much.