SomethingInTheWay

A year ago I lost my best friend to a drug overdose. The things he said before he died, that in retrospect revealed exactly his intentions, still haunt me. I've always felt pretty alone with that information, since everyone else who knew him was always so dismissive of it when I talked to them about it. I was very much the closest person to him before he died, and for some reason I keep making the mistake of thinking that his self-absorbed family members might take a minute to relect on the actuality of it rather than dismiss it with self-help cliches and pollyanish BS.

The thing is that a depressed life is a huge burden to carry for so many years. After the aftermath of his death, I just can not even entertain going there myself anymore. I guess I just wish that his actual life might be more of a legacy for other people who knew him. It seems like they were all too quick to ignore reality, redefine it for their own purposes and move on. It's pretty much how they dealt with him while he was alive after all.

ASadWhore

Hey! The best tribute to those who are gone is keep going...I belive that when you've lost someone so close to you you joined the club of "the sad forever" you constantly bash your brains thinking you could've done more...
But you would never know what went thru his mind in those final moments, maybe the thought of you brought him confort and a bit of happiness.
If going there leaves you far from feeling better then just stop going Im sure your friend would feel very proud that even when he's not here youre sticking by him and thinking the best of him

ASadWhore

Hey! The best tribute to those who are gone is keep going...I belive that when you've lost someone so close to you you joined the club of "the sad forever" you constantly bash your brains thinking you could've done more...
But you would never know what went thru his mind in those final moments, maybe the thought of you brought him confort and a bit of happiness.
If going there leaves you far from feeling better then just stop going Im sure your friend would feel very proud that even when he's not here youre sticking by him and thinking the best of him

SomethingInTheWay

I hear what you are saying and appreciate it.

You are right that I don't know what he was thinking. It's just that the last night I saw him he told me how he would check out while making it look accidental. I took it seriously, but hypothetically. I didn't think he was about to do it at the time, and being as depressed as I was, it wasn't like I was able to respond assertively to it anyway. A few days later I found his lifeless body.

He had had a falling out over some petty nonsense with his family members over Easter. It wasn't the first and I'm sure they didn't think it would be the last at the time. I guess maybe they don't want to look at it. Normal people, after all, deal with things by finding the positive and change the narrative to pretect their own sense of self. Although I've been able to let go of most of the guilt, for some reason it is important to me to not lose sight of what really happened.

It's not like I blame them either at all. It's just that it rubs me the wrong way that it seems like his death hasn't had any real impact on how they approach things. But I don't know what they really experience either.

ASadWhore

You could have been in the same room and still unable to stop him! His mind was set on that. It is incredibly sad that his family the only people that could feel worst than you do about his dead chose to not give the importance that the matter desserves...maybe a part of you would like to have them relating to what youre going thru, sharing stories about him or just doing something nice on the aniversary of his death.
Im glad you have shed some of the guilt away, youre on the right path, if they don't include you and still refuse to aknowledge what you have to say is their lost! He was their flesh and blood! And theyre all missing out on understanding his life, It is so unfortunate you can chose your family in the same way you chose who you love, trust me you wouldve been your friends first choice