Hello, I am a 20 years survivor of my fathers suicide. I am here to learn and to help others.
I was 15 when it happened. The day started as everyday prior did. My father and I woke up very early, 5am, to go do a newspaper route. We finished the route and returned home. I went back to sleep and my father went off to work. Later that day a friend called me and wanted to hang out. My family had moved across town just days ago and my friend lived in our old neighborhood. I told him I'd call and ask for permission to ride my bike over there. I was unable to reach both of my parents at work. I called my friend back and before I could say anything, he told me there were a bunch of police cars outside my old house. Curious I rode my bike over there, a good 5+ miles. My friend and I hopped over backyard fences approaching my old house. We were in the backyard next to my old house when I heard my grandfathers voice. He was across the street and summoned me over. That is when I found out that instead of going to work, my father killed himself.
He was a good man and father I think. I know the household he grew up in was very disciplined. He had just started taking depression medicine before he died, so that will always haunt me if the the pills ultimately pushed him over. My mother did not let me know he was suffering until after the fact.
It is not easy. I will never live a normal life. I don't even care to have a family. I mostly just want people to leave me alone. If it wasn't the pills I feel it was society that drove my father to suicide. I wrote a passage to summarize my feelings on it.
"A person is born and ultimately they have two options, to live or die. No one wants to die, but for some or even many, the option of life is also undesirable. We are raised to be successful, to be winners. It is pounded into our heads the potential we have. But, why? Not everyone will be an astronaut or a rockstar or the leader of a country. We as a society are telling these people that if you are not successful, you must be a loser, you are worthless. People need motivation, but not like that. Never blame the people who are depressed. Never. Never blame yourself if you lost someone close in such a way."