platypus

My wife, with whom I was extremely close, took her life last year. She [edited suicide method]. It had been meticulously planned, and I had been too busy with my own issues to take notice.

She was diagnosed bipolar as a teenager, but had been off meds for years as she had been doing very well, until the final couple of months, which had seen us fighting a lot about our future plans.

She'd had more than one attempt as a young adult, but had been fine with me. However, I knew she was capable of it - which she ultimately and irrevocably proved - and should have heeded the warning signs, though it secretly bothered me that she would "use" it as leverage to affect my behavior.

We were a very communicative couple, loving, mutually respectful, in our twenties and had envisioned growing old together. All shattered by a few topsy-turvy weeks of uncertainty and posturing distance, brought on by things I'd rather not go into.

Now I feel marooned; utterly alone in a world I don't want any part of, simply biding my time while my own moment draws nearer. I desperately want to be close to her. She's in my dreams and thoughts, always. I know that I will not be whole again until the seconds before I myself die. I even look forward to it.

teenagedirtbag

:( That's a truly sad story.

I'm really sorry about your loss,and I really do hope that your wounds heal with time.

Ataloss

I'm so sorry about you're loss. I recently lost my dad to suicide and we were very close. He too is in my dreams and everyday thoughts and I know how it feels to miss someone so bad that you yourself hurt.....physically, emotionally, mentally.... it sucks and it's not fair. I had no idea he would ever even contemplate suicide let alone think about it. And I feel the same way you do, incredibly alone; I also look forward to not being here on this Earth anymore.

I hope you don't feel utterly alone as much. And I also hope that anything and everything in your life will work itself out soon.

Best regards, Ataloss

shadowAKA086

My heart bleeds for you and your loss, and my tears are burning my eyes.

You are far stronger and more powerful than I could ever hope to be, and you have survived horrors that I could never even begin to imagine.

As I read this, I sat here in awe of the fact that you have overcome a pain far greater than anything I have ever felt. The heartbreak I felt when my ex left me led to a severe depression, but to losing a spouse to suicide?: there's no word for what that is.

You have perservered through so much more than I could ever bear...

... and I have the utmost respect for you. V_V

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platypus

Thanks, guys. Means a lot.

teenagedirtbag

I hope that you can be happy again one day.

isurvived33

im terribly sorry for your loss hugs.
I hope that one day you can be at peace with yourself again xox

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"If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together... There is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. I’ll always be with you."
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Kaboodle

I lost my husband to suicide and keep hoping the days, weeks, months, years will get better, but they never do. The should of's or if only's are heart breaking.

Just Under Broke

Thanks for sharing Platypus, I know just what you mean. Actually I've never heard someone describe what it is that I'm feeling every day better than you did with that. Here's to the next life, because this one, really isn't cutting it for me any more. I hope that God blesses you no matter what you decide to do.

monte

Oh God, I should not have clicked this thread. Platypus, Kaboodle, and Just Under Broke, you will be in my prayers tonight.