Everyone says it's not my fault my ex killed himself. I know I didn't make him do it but today has been a bad day and I was reading our texts from a month before he did it and I could have maybe helped. I was hurting so bad then, I guess I didn't put myself in his shoes and today I feel like I was writing those texts. He said he hopes one day I suffer like he was and ever since he died I suffer everyday. I just couldn't handle all he was putting me through for so many years and now I feel like it's my fault he died because I didn't help him and now I feel exactly the same way.
But i don't want any help. I'm so over seeing counselors and taking meds and feeling like I'm just existing because for some stupid reason my heart just won't stop. My heart physically hurts all the time. Why can't it just give up. It makes me so mad. I can't kill myself because it will hurt my family too much. My parents and my sister have had too many suicides and deaths in our family and friends circle. I can't put them through that but it makes me so angry that the only reason I'm alive is so that they don't feel pain.
Ever since my ex died I died emotionally and mentally it feels. My body still functions I guess but this isn't living. I can't wait for my time to come. All I think about is the peace that I will feel and that actually helps. I just don't know how much longer I can wait.