I still feel like its my fault
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I still feel like its my fault

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Old 05-31-15, 11:50 AM   #1
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Default I still feel like its my fault

Everyone says it's not my fault my ex killed himself. I know I didn't make him do it but today has been a bad day and I was reading our texts from a month before he did it and I could have maybe helped. I was hurting so bad then, I guess I didn't put myself in his shoes and today I feel like I was writing those texts. He said he hopes one day I suffer like he was and ever since he died I suffer everyday. I just couldn't handle all he was putting me through for so many years and now I feel like it's my fault he died because I didn't help him and now I feel exactly the same way.

But i don't want any help. I'm so over seeing counselors and taking meds and feeling like I'm just existing because for some stupid reason my heart just won't stop. My heart physically hurts all the time. Why can't it just give up. It makes me so mad. I can't kill myself because it will hurt my family too much. My parents and my sister have had too many suicides and deaths in our family and friends circle. I can't put them through that but it makes me so angry that the only reason I'm alive is so that they don't feel pain.

Ever since my ex died I died emotionally and mentally it feels. My body still functions I guess but this isn't living. I can't wait for my time to come. All I think about is the peace that I will feel and that actually helps. I just don't know how much longer I can wait.
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Old 05-31-15, 12:55 PM   #2
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I am very sorry for your loss and I know the pain you deal with.
I lost the person I loved most in this world to suicide and it's what led me
to this site. I wish I could say the pain gets easier but it's been
a few years now and it just doesn't. What happened is not your fault
it's a choice that he made. I deal with that feeling of guilt so much
myself and I understand. But it was a choice he made and you wouldn't
have been able to stop him. Once someone comes to the conclusion
that they will end their life there is no stopping them. I know what you
mean by not feeling like you are living. I feel like a ghost most days just
drifting through life but not functioning in it much. Still in the end I made
a choice that I would fight for my life and would not let this finish me.
It is not an easy road. I just accept the fact she was sick and it was
the illness that took her. One thing that has helped me to a degree
is going to grief support meetings. This is not like going to a doctor
it's meeting with others that have lost loved ones to suicide. It's
helpful to talk with others that know. Someone that has not experienced
this kind of loss cannot comprehend it. This is a pain like no other. One of the things that is hardest for me is people expect you to just get over it
and that doesn't happen. I wish you all the best and hope you find
a way to get some peace. This was not your fault.
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